doesn't play well with others

so what if i sing while i workout on the treadmill ... i never claimed to be a grammy winning singer, or even know how to sing on key. but recording my songs without my consent and then making fun of me is down right mean mr. joe. remember ... i know where you sleep and you sleep like a rock.

the 175+ sharpie salute

the weekend is over and we're still not done cleaning

if we kept up the same pace as we did this weekend, we would have the entire house cleaned out by flag day. we have that MUCH stuff ...(stopped counting at 175 sharpies) ... and i've only lived here for 5 years.

the real bummer is that it was a gorgeous weekend ... i couldn't stand it any more today ... i shirked my cleaning responsibilities and laid in the sun for 2 hours.

sometimes i miss my pre-house life.

happy memorial day!

just when i thought it couldn't get any worse

i thought i had organized and put away the last of the office supplies this morning.

until a few minutes ago when joe presented me with TWO more boxes of paper and pens that he'd found in the garage.

thank goodness my good friend has just opened a scrapbook house ... i feel a rather large donation coming on.

i may need help.

office supplies

i could start my own office supply store with the myriad of supplies i have unearthed. it is quite possible that i may not have to buy another paperclip for the rest of my life.

the first step is admitting i have a problem. i, jaws, am addicted to office supplies.

pez & beanie babies

so the cleaning continues.

i found over 100 pez and about 100 beanie babies in the dark, mysterious guest room closet. holy shit. let's not even discuss handbags and totes. much less t-shirts.

the beanie babies will be saved for nieces ... or the highest bidder. any takers? oh, i wonder if i could donate them to a women's shelter or hospital for kids. that would be the best use for them! must research ...

the pez are not going anywhere. the hello kitty and smurfs are my favorite.

can't wait to locate the swatch watch collection. thank goodness i've already dismantled the shot glass collection.

is there a collector's anonymous? i am my father's daughter.

microfiber

my darling husband is making me clean the house this weekend. well, more like organize and clean out ... i don't really "clean," per se.

anyway, i did find myself in a position that require some dusting today. it was really thick. ew. so i grabbed a microfiber towel and went for it. even though i sell this product everyday, i had never used it on a really dusty surface. viola! the dust was trapped by the cloth as i swept it across the bookshelf and didn't fall on the floor! amazing!

if you don't use microfiber for cleaning now ... i would consider a change.

lazy and / or dumb ass = fat ass

i may be the laziest beast in the world.

i hurt my back last fall and the exercise has trailed off since then because it hurt. since i loathe exercising, it was a real convenient excuse not to get my fat ass off of the couch.

well, six months later, my back still hurts. well, it did until last sunday. for the past 5 days, i've done 20 minutes on the treadmill each day; that's all. and woohoo, no more back pain. it was tough the first two days, but once i worked through the pain, it was okay. seriously, i feel like a new person.

so, lesson learned. sitting on the couch is NEVER a good idea. especially when i have a treadmill in my house.

however, it's only week one. can't lose steam. must keep going. must lose weight. this girl is done being a fat ass.

ps. i've also stopped driving through fast food restaurants to obtain food. also a very bad idea.

home office decorum

note to all home office dwellers:

spend the $$ and get a dedicated phone line OR only give out your cell phone number. no one wants to hear barb - a 2 pack a day smoker with a cough - yell out "darrel, there's a jaws on the phone from company x. are you available to talk?" now, in this instance, this guy works for me ... so it's even more disturbing and not a fun conversation to have after barb hands the phone over.

also, don't flush until you've hung up the phone.

jaws

allergist

interviewed an allergist today.

sign in the waiting room stated, "no perfume or cologne please." makes sense, right? those items can trigger some people's allergies.

so then why is it okay for there to be fresh flowers ... ?

my ass still hurts

joe joined me for a trade show in santa clara this weekend. WOOHOO! despite working all weekend, we had a pretty good time ... except for the fact that my back and ass still HURT. we've traced the culprit to the dilapidated chairs each booth was assigned by the convention center. they were so bad that we had to add our own personal touch to them in an effort to survive. we would have chucked them all together, but the floor was concrete; no carpet and definitely no padding. standing 7 hours per day was not an option. :-)

what did i do to deserve this?

that's two, count 'em, two camry rental cars in the span of about 6 weeks. nice. really nice. today's camry is a LOVELY shade of light brown poop. if i had to choose, i'd take the powder blue one i had in houston.

sir, wouldn't it be better to perform that task in the privacy of your own home?

ew. this guy was clipping his nails in the terminal and letting the nail shards litter the floor. i almost puked. he was so into his project that he didn't even look up when i took the picture ... flash and all.

ps. re: golf

there are very few hello kitty golf accessories. so, that sucks a little bit.

i have to golf?

when i was offer the promotion to vp i took it without thinking about much beyond the pay increase. and the fact that i made vp before i was 35.

so, i've adjusted to the longer hours, more flights and a lot more marriott accomodations. (especially since i get to stay in nicer places and drive better cars!) i'm dealing with being a hell of a lot more accountable than i ever have been before. i'm almost okay with having to make decisions that affect a lot of people all day long. i'm about halfway to okay with the ceo of the company asking me for my opinion. so, in short, i was feeling pretty good about the job.

until yesterday. apparently i have to participate in GOLF tournaments. that's right. me. GOLFING. i guess my dad knew what i was in for when he gave me clubs a couple of weeks ago. duh, jaws.

so, i have to do what i have to do. i'm trying to psych myself up thinking about the new shoes, new clothes, and accessories that i will HAVE to have for the new sport. i'll be golfing with customers 5-6 times a year. apparently at the last tournament my boss went to they got FREE SHOES. maybe this won't be so bad ... oh and drinking is encouraged while golfing (remember, i'm in sales) ... i hope they have martinis!

illinois tollway - take a lesson from the french!

so this is nice.

during my 36 hour trip to chicago i had to blow through two tollbooths. why, you might ask? because i didn't have enough change.

this is the most fucked up system i've ever seen. they're too cheap to person the booths so change may be made, nevermind the receipts needed for this businesswoman's expense report ... so they leave the booths unpersoned and THEY ONLY ACCEPT CHANGE. (note, you may purchase a "pass," but that is unavailable to use car renters - um, hello, AVIS & HERTZ - money making opportunity here) ... but i digress.

if you don't have change, you have to call a "violations" hotline. as if i have the time to fucking deal with this. so really, if this process takes me 30 minutes to "clear" myself, i'm really out several bucks plus the $1.60 in tolls. that's really nice. i'd let it go, but this one time, california tracked me down through hertz when i drove through the wrong lane on the golden gate bridge. they will find you.

so, listen up illinois ... take a lesson from the french ... tolls booths do not have to be personed, but put in a fucking credit card reader and receipt printer. it may be the midwest, but it's not the middle of fucking des moines.

unauthorized access into the ladies' room

after 17 days of blissful travel-free days, i'm back at lax.

first stop, admiral's club for a little potty break. this morning, the security of the ladies' room was compromised by a 40-something gentleman ... sir, if the sign on the door (which included a picture and braille in case english isn't your first language) didn't clue you into the fact that you were in the wrong bathroom, then the tampon machine on the wall should have! that is not a candy dispenser! also ... perhaps the lack of urinals would also give you a clue. and if all else fails, the shriek of the little old lady from pasadena should have given you pause. i hope you enjoyed your view of how the other half potties.

second stop, seat 20D.

ciao!

drunken peeps tips

make sure the vodka and white chocolate liqueur are ice cold or the drink tastes like ass.

also, if you are going to eat the drunken peep whole by slurping it out of your glass, be careful ... there is NO going back.

cheers.
jaws

shellshocked

i was shocked by lola's electric fence this morning.

the neighbor's dogs were being very unruly, and like other times when they've barked incessantly, i got up on a step stool and told them to shut their pie holes. however, my foothold was not steady this morning and it was either grab the electric fence or fall to my death. i chose the electric fence. holy shit.

i'm tired of the continued malfeasance of my neighbor's dogs. i do wonder when they'll ask where all of the new dog toys have come from ...

pepe comes home!

introducing Pepe the Marlin!

my maternal grandfather caught Pepe in the 60's off of the coast of Cabo San Lucas. Pepe is part of my childhood memories of my grandparents house ... so when my grandfather passed away, I inherited him. however, due to living in apartments and now a fairly small house, Pepe has been living in my dad's storage unit for the past 5 years.

but now he's home ... much to my husband's chagrin ...