did you really say poopie?

so, i checked into a moderate marriott courtyard tonight in a suburb of chicago. i had to pee really badly, so i ran into the bathroom and used the facilities.

the toilet clogged when i flushed. OMG. important to note that i only peed.

i had to call the front desk ... didn't bring a plunger with me.

so, the crustiest, oldest guy came knocking at my door. with a plunger. (and no, it wasn't a quickie.)

he assured me that he would totally take care of it ... so i left him to handle the plumbing situation and went back to my blackberry.

when he finished, he checked in with me and advised that if i have to go poopie, yes, he said POOPIE, then i should go poopie, flush, wipe and then flush again. seriously. i couldn't make this stuff up.

he then advised that if i poopie, wipe and then flush ... the toilet would be sure to clog up.

i didn't know what to say. he used the term poopie like three times and i was a little shellshocked.

so, i politely thanked him for the information and he left.

OMG.

have people lost their minds?

wow. an infant bikini, in hooker red, with juicy printed on the fanny, is now available from the fabulous (i use that term super loosely) people at juicy couture.

i would love to meet the people that buy this for their poor, defenseless little girl.

in the wise words of the beastie boys, "i think her name is Lucy, but we all call her loose."

show me the nuts

found a place where you can decorate and MAIL a coconut while in kona, hawaii earlier this week! i did two coconuts ... aren't they fabulous? (please keep in mind that i had to use Pineapple Bob's markers ... and he didn't have that many ... if i had known i was going to do this, i would have brought my own stuff!)

parrot fish

did you know that a male parrot fish is a polygamist of sorts? he has several female parrot fish that follow him around.

but because the male parrot fish are so beautiful, they usually get caught / speared first ... leaving his group of females without a leader.

after the male is gone, the strongest female parrot fish changes into a MALE parrot fish ... changing color and all. and then "he" is in charge until his demise.

weird, huh?

donkey crossing?

between our hotel and the airport ... there is a 2 mile donkey crossing. a DONKEY crossing! i guess i didn't know as much as i thought i did about hawaii ... did you know it snows here too? but i digress. anyway, we have been desperate to see a feral hawaiian donkey ... but nothing so far! we did see a pack of feral hawaiian goats near the donkey area, but they weren't nearly as exciting!

we're going to the volcanoes tomorrow. apparently, we need a coat. a coat in hawaii? bizarre.

poop is falling from the ceiling! poop!

upon arrival on the big island, i spied several bats at the top of the tiki hut, under which was baggage claim B. B is for BAT, i suppose.

ew.

"poop is falling from the ceiling! poop!"
-angela martin, the office, "business school episode"

question.

how does one get a disabled tag for a motorcycle? isn't that strange? struck me as odd as i spied a biker with one today entering the 101 freeway in ventura.

was oprah booked?

hill made an appearance on the tyra banks show yesterday. if that wasn't bad enough, she chose that forum to discuss bill & monica's affair and why she decided to stay with him. wow.

a. tyra banks is as low on the journalism totem pole as jerry springer. was oprah booked? how about matt lauer? even barbara would have been better than tyra.
b. hill is a liar ... she stayed with bill and his cheatin' ass because she had her sights on the white house. pure and simple. i applaud her for doing so ... she was able to keep her eye on the prize, but don't lie about it.

regardless of her pinochino impression yesterday ... hillary '08. mailed the ballot this morning. no turning back now.

blackberry drama

joe and i leave for kona, hawaii tonight. i'm going to try and take an actual vacation ... i am actually leaving my laptop at home ... which is a major deal for me. i usually never leave home without it. but i figured, i will have my blackberry, so i should be okay.

until this morning.

i unplugged my blackberry from its charger this morning and realized that it had never charged.

i checked to make sure the charger was plugged into the wall.

it was.

i tried another outlet ... blackberry still wouldn't charge. tried hooking it up to my computer. still nothing.

so i panicked. seriously.

i called work and talked with tech support ... they told me to take it to an at&t store so they could see if it was a bad battery or a bad phone.

wouldn't you know ... bad phone.

so ... we leave in a few hours ... i did what i had to. bought a new $400 phone, overnighted the bad phone to our tech team at work and am getting on the plane. let someone else sort out the drama for once.

new blackberry is currently charging ... is already synced up with my corporate email, phone numbers, etc. all set to go.

ALOFUCKINGHA. :-)

snapple fact #77

no piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times

i remember testing this out in high school or college ... i couldn't get past 7 no matter how hard i tried.

strange. maybe i should have paid more attention in physics ...

old and snotty

10 years ago on a saturday night, i would have been at the local watering hole, dancing, shopping and / or hanging out with friends.

now, at the ripe old age of 34 ... here's what saturday night looks like today.

• movie with husband - saw "juno" - a must see, by the way
• drank rum during movie
• felt sick
• came home
• ate grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner - CLASSY
• hovered over lola - who had surgery yesterday
• played 90 minutes of "viva pinata" on xbox360 - AWESOME GAME
• rinsed out nasal passages - seriously
• ready for bed

and it's ONLY 9 PM.

what happened to me?

WTF

on my way to the mailbox today, i saw a southern california gas company truck being driven by an old crusty guy who was SMOKING! seriously, does he have a death wish?

i did what i had to. i memorized his truck number and reported him to the gas company.

i think i live in the land of whack-jobs

joe and i watched the 11 pm news last night ... we don't do this very often, but we were curious about the imminent storm ...

OMG.

the stories went like this.

storm - interrupted by breaking news at britney spears' house - storm - back to britney - storm - britney being rolled out on a gurney - storm - oh, by the way, the iowa caucus results are in - britney's kids are also going to the hospital - storm ... blah, blah, blah

seriously. who the fuck cares if britney is further messing up her life and the life of her kids? isn't the presidential election like WAY more important?

i guess it's just another day in la la land.

i am the only one?

doesn't anyone else watch nip / tuck??? i don't think i know one person that watches it ... except me, of course.

i missed my opportunity

i toyed with the idea of sending a holiday card to my neighbors with dogs that would read:

"all i want for Christmas is for your dogs to shut their damn kibble-holes!"

but i chickened out. and now i pay for it by listening to their whiny barking. gotta go. time to bribe them for silence by tossing some bones over the wall. oh the price i have to pay for silence.

bliss

bliss is welcoming in the new year by driving one's car, with the top down, to the beach and walking on the sand under a perfect sunset.

tomorrow i will be more prepared and take a camera!