fabulous birthday card!

i totally heart this birthday card! happy birthday to me! (in 2 days).

giant underpants

i have the episode with the giant underpants!!!!!!!!! i was positive that i watched the pee wee's playhouse boxed set from start to finish, but i must have missed the utmost important episode.

now ... if i just had pee wee's big adventure my birthday would be classified as a success. :-)

what i want most for my birthday

a. pee wee's big adventure DVD. this would be a replacement for the one that was either stolen (like poor pee wee's bike) or hidden by my husband. it is cheaper to get a new DVD than to fly to san antonio and see if my DVD wound up in the basement of the alamo.
b. episode 17 from pee wee's playhouse. this is the episode with the giant underpants.

these items are of course in addition to a red 911 carrera and a personal chef / trainer.

birthday celebration - part 1

tonight was birthday celebration #1. i absolutely LOVE my birthday ... it's totally my favorite holiday of the year!

it's hard to believe that i'm going to be 33 ... the years just seem to fly by! the scary part is that i remember when my parents were in their 30s. that's when i feel old. okay, and the fact that they're starting to remake movies from the 80s. that really sucker punches me. and really, do we need "new" versions of adventures in babysitting, summer school, and back to school? they weren't all that great the first time around. someone out there must have a truly NEW idea for a movie ...

neighborhood barking weasel

why does my neighbor feel that it is acceptable for his mutt to bark constantly while its awake? and why does mr. neighbor thinks it's okay to LIE to me about the noise being emitted by said mutt? i saw the dog barking this morning ... with my own two eyes. of course, i had to do a little spying, but it is what it is.

this aggression will not stand.

even lola is tired of the barking. she looks at the wall behind which lives the barking mutt and sighs.

how kind of marriott!

bonus! if i want to re-create the homey atmosphere of a marriott hotel room at home, i now have the tools to do so!

marriott has made their bedding, pillows, duvet/comforter, featherbed, BED, sheets, bed scarves, shower curtain rod, shower curtain & rings, LAMP, chaise lounge and ARTWORK available for the consumer to PURCHASE.

i would like to meet the people that take marriott up on this most generous offer.

question.

if your child eats a banana while shopping in the grocery store ... how is the store supposed to charge you for it? weigh the peel? are people really this stupid?

tiny bubbles?

did i spy Don Ho today in the los angeles airport? i tried to keep up with him, but alas, he was lost in the crowd. all i have now is the guy in the corner of the lounge who is snorting like special ed. super nice.

cupcake land

i'm over the hump. a delicious batch of cupcakes has been created.

i'm back. does this make me domestic?

shopping carts are not a storage receptacle for your front yard!

note to my white trash neighbors:

the use of shopping carts is a privilege. here in america, we don't even have to pay for their use! yet you have completely abused the system. shopping carts are available for use in retail outlets and for toting bags to your mode of transportation. they are not a storage receptacle for your front yard.

do not mess with me. you will not win. the manager of the 99 cent store was all too happy to record your address and send someone to pick up their shopping cart. and i dare you. bring home another cart. guess who is on a first name basis with all of the store managers in our area. that's right. me. you have been advised.

sincerely,
your fabulous neighbor

no more of my famous cupcakes?

it's no secret that i can't cook ... the one thing i did have going for me is that i can mix a mean drink and am a good baker.

but now i've lost my baking edge.

it all started when my husband advised that peanut oil can be used the same as veggie oil. WRONG. those were the most disgusting cupcakes ever.

then the bunny cake i made for easter had a fissure and the candy i used to decorate the cake turned colors because the cake was refrigerated. nice, ghetto touch.

the cupcakes i made on tuesday were too soft and crumbly.

what is happening???

is this the end of my famous (okay, infamous) cupcakes? am i going to have to bring store-bought baked items to all future functions? am i going to have to hire a chef? ooohhh... now there's a thought ... a chef that could double as my driver ... that would be perfect!

decorum

the following is an out-of-office email I received from someone at work today.

"Gone home sick today 4/20/06. I will be checking my laptop and Blackberry for important emails.
thank you
[name withheld]"

a. too much information re: sick. you don't own us an explanation because your lunch didn't agree with you.
b. what rates an "important" email? aren't all emails important? what if a customer got this response ... how would s/he feel? especially if no response comes?

i often wonder if decorum has gone by the way of chivalry.

blacklisted at target?

i needed to return some shoes at target today ... thought i had the receipt, but couldn't find it. the clerk did a recepit look up ... but that didn't work.

she advised that i could do a no receipt return ... apparently each customer gets two per year and they keep track on a LIST. scary.

thank goodness i located the receipt prior to leaving the building and am not on "the list" ... for now.

lola's new bling

she is so totally my dog ...

a wise manicurist once said ...

mix olive or sesame oil with sugar or salt to make an exfoliating scrub for your hands! the oil will help eliminate dry, crusty cuticles and the salt / sugar will rub away old skin particles!

easy and inexpensive!

NOTE TO SELF!

always remember to remove one's enormous box cutter from the boss's briefcase after a headquarter call.

otherwise, said boss could get stopped by TSA at an airport for trying to board an airplane with a weapon. this could end badly for all involved.

hindsight is 20/20.

taco trucks

i saw two taco trucks today.

got it.

they're like "roach coaches" only with tacos.

the two i saw were a little skeevy. one was in the parking lot of a home depot in commerce, ca and the other was on the side of the road, also in commerce.

i love america. tacos for all.

bumper sticker

as seen in ventura today. very profound.

GWB is a WMD

origin of the name "inland empire"

fascinating.

"Inland Empire
'Inland Empire' is an informal name for any highly productive farming area some distance inland from the west coast, for example:
The Imperial Valley area of extreme southern California.
The area around the city of Ontario in southern California (between Los Angeles and San Bernardino).
The eastern part of Washington State."

4 hours, 266 miles, 1 blue taurus, 1 bathroom break and 1 run from the law

i wish i never had to travel to houston again. i don't mess with texas (much), why does it continue to mess with me?

this is the second time in 18 days that i have been monumentally delayed trying to get out! i have no trouble getting to texas, but it's like the state likes me so much that it can't bear to let me go. :-)

last night i opted to give up my seat on the houston to dallas leg and drive to DFW. chance of me actually making it home last night was slim to none due to the weather in texas, so i figured i was due for another texas adventure. by the way, when is there not weather in texas? so, 4 hours, 266 miles, 1 blue taurus (what is it with blue cars on this trip?), 1 bathroom break and 1 run from the law i made to to a hotel by the airport where i enjoyed 4.5 hours of sleep. :-(

in exchange for my seat on the HOU - DFW flight last night, American put me on the first flight out this morning and upgraded me to first class. THANK GOODNESS as 30 minutes from departure i learned that the flight is sold out and there are 22 passengers on the stand-by list. and lucky me, there are a zillion kid and one LAFD search dog. (he was a lovely dog).

i'm trading air travel for driving in los angeles next week. it is a real toss-up as to which trip will be more drama. :-)

side note: did you know that there is a texas county prison museum in texas? who the hell would what to take that tour? i retract that question ... texas is a red state after all!

light blue texan camry!

isn't she lovely? i have been enjoying cruising the streets of houston with her!

what an adorable & spacious trunk!

sign in houston

as seen on a car wash sign in houston:

"RVs and Taco Trucks extra"

i think they really mean the trucks that drive around selling tacos ... like the ice cream man, but with meat, cheese, tortillas and hot sauce!

i am experiencing culture shock.

law & order / seinfeld

i find comfort in the fact that there is ALWAYS an episode of law and order or seinfeld on some channel ready to be viewed.

i'm part of the problem, not the solution

i am being punished for last week's car rental accident and mocking of the maroon taurus with the spoiler..

the car rental company put me in a light blue camry with 12,000 miles today in houston.

rock on.

pictures to follow. she's a beauty.

traveling on planes with fluffy and / or rover

the following is a copy of an actual letter i received from a major airline re: pets in the main cabins. bottom line, paying customers without pets rank a bit below customers with pets. this very same airline is being sued because an animal died during flight. i would think they would want nothing to do with pets on planes.

this may be a reason to go with southwest; they do not allow pets.

April 4, 2006

Dear Mrs. [jaws]:

I am sorry that you were uncomfortable by the presence of an animal aboard your flight to Los Angeles on March 30. From the details you provided, it is clear that the animal aboard created unpleasant conditions for you -- again, I am sorry. I apologize, too, that our personnel weren't more successful in improving the situation for you. No doubt it was an annoying experience for all concerned. [read on, they're not that concerned that i had to smell a dirty dog which drove me to sneeze for most of the flight.]

In addition, it might be helpful to know that while it would not be possible for us to effectively contact every customer who has booked a reservation to advise them that a pet may be traveling on their flight, the next time you make reservations to travel with us, ask the booking agent if any animals are booked for travel on the flights on your itinerary. [please note this will cost me $10] Bear in mind that some people book flights on the spur of the moment, so it will be necessary to call our reservations office about 12 hours or so before the departure time. That way, we can give you the best information available about pets in the cabin. However, we cannot guarantee a pet-free cabin because some customers traveling with pets or service animals could be reaccomodated on one of your flights after either missing an earlier flight or their flight was canceled. [also note that service animals are not an issue, they are trained.] Believe it or not, our regulations for pets carried aboard the aircraft are aimed at reducing any discomfort on the part of our other customers. When traveling within the48 contiguous United States, we allow seven kennels per flight, two in the First Class cabin and a total of five in the Main Cabin and Business Class combined.The pet must travel in a kennel that fits underneath the seat in front of the accompanying passenger. We require that the animal stay in the kennel (there are exceptions) in order to reduce odor, noise, allergic reactions and unpleasant "accidents."

Additionally, the pet must be able to stand up in the kennel, which precludes large animals from being accommodated. For the most part, no pets are allowed in the cabin on long transatlantic or transpacific flights or on flights to or from Hawaii. [which is actually because of quarantine issues]. While we appreciate the perspective that things would be a lot easier if pets were barred from the passenger cabin, unfortunately the large number of our customers who want to travel with their animals don't share this view. [read between the lines, we can't lose anymore customers to other airlines.] So, I hope you can appreciate our reasons for not applying any such ban unilaterally.

Many customers traveling with animals are professional breeders on their way to shows and competitions. Their livelihood may well depend on the ability to transport their animals inside aircraft cabins. [also not the issue, usually are well trained animals]. Again, I'm sorry your experience was unsatisfactory. However, pets will continue to be passengers aboard our flights. We will continue our efforts to ensure compliancewith our inflight restrictions for pets in the cabin to make for a quiet and peaceful journey for everyone. We want all customers to enjoy their flights with [major] Airlines -- whether they are customers who care to travel with their pets or those who would prefer that "Rover" be left home. Thank you for sharing your perspective and for listening to our point of view. This is an "outgoing only" email address.

Sincerely,
Hobby Customer Relations [major] Airlines

flying to dallas? beware of freaks!

why are there a disproportionate number of freaks on the flights going to and coming from dallas? everytime i'm on a dallas-related flight, there is some type of drama. (need i remind you of the masturbator??) this morning there was almost a passenger uprising in the first class cabin. one of our cabin-mates was sleeping and SNORING LIKE A BUZZ SAW! i could hear him through my fabulous, and now alleged, noise canceling headphones.

airplanes are shared space. there's no where to run. it's not right for one passenger to adversely effect everyone else's experience. and this goes for you too, mr. "i like to marinate in my cologne prior to leaving the house." i almost needed a gas mask to breathe when you walked by.

oh, and on a side note, my seatmate stared at me during the ENTIRE flight. keep trying to anticipate my needs and offer to get my stuff for me when i got up to retrieve my bag. weird. either i look really hot today, or as my husband notated, the hello kitty earrings scared the shit out of him.

making friends at LAX

this morning i was greeted at my car by a representative of the parking spot - sepulveda. he welcomed me back and asked if i was going to american first class or alaska. while it was nice of him to remember me and my airlines of chose, the reality of how much time i spend traveling was a little too much to bear.

memo from the corporate office

and i quote:

"Good Afternoon:

On Wednesday, April 5th, the buyer from [a very important account] will be visiting [the home office]. As this is a very important customer to us, we are looking to put our best foot forward for this visit. One of the fun things that we would like to do to show our support and appreciation for [said important account] is to wear orange on that day. If you have appropriate attire that is orange, we urge you to wear it on that day. Of course, we will have a special treat to share with the buyer to welcome her, also.

Thanks so much!"

question. isn't "appropriate attire that is orange" an oxymoron? it's not halloween, after all! so, is an orange crossing guard vest appropriate? if worn over a tee shirt, it would cover up all of the naughty bits, but seriously, do they really want an office full of cal trans employees?

question. #2. special treat? that scares me more than the attire! especially if it's orange. oranges, candy corn, pez or mangos don't seem like a "special treat" to me. what if the office employees in orange have to perform a skit? i can't wait for my mole to report back!

question. #3. who turned her grammar checker off?

"thanx"

will someone enlighten me as to why it's appropriate to say "thanx" in an email instead of taking that ever so difficult additional keystroke and type "thanks" instead? it looks so awkward and for some reason really bothers me, if you couldn't tell. :-)

grandma! what were you thinking!?!

the first time my grandma's car was hit in the parking lot and she spray painted the car to mask the damage, i laughed.

when my dad told me that my grandma's car (a '93 vintage camry) took another one for the team thus causing grandma to spray paint the car again, i thought to myself, this is a great anecdote to share with the world!

as it turns out, the last need to spray paint came at a bad time as my grandma is finally going to turn in the camry next week. my dad is concerned that they won't get top dollar for the trade-in because of the spray paint cover-up. this may be true, but she might get some credit for the fact that the car is 13 years old and has less than 70K miles. :-)