john fucking tesh

joe & i are in monterey ... i have a meeting here tomorrow.

i DO NOT LIKE the hotel. actually, it's a ho-motel. some of it's a hotel, some of it's a motel. that's my first issue.

it's seriously a throw back to 1982. and it's not that clean. i want to move but joe says i'll be okay.

i'm sitting at the desk ... doing a little work, and i notice that there is a cd player on the desk and a couple of cds ... apparently for one's listening pleasure.

one is called "chopin and champagne." i think it's all instrumental, so that's not too bad.

the other is JOHN FUCKING TESH. i'm sure it's here because the album is entitled "monterey nights."

did i mention that there is a label on the front of the cd that reads, "This CD is provided as an amenity for your enjoyment during your stay. If you wish to purchase a copy, additional CDs are available through the front desk at $25.00 each."

seriously. $25?!? even if one was deaf enough to want a copy, it's only $17.98 at http://www.amazon.com/. i did add that tidbit of information to the label as a courtesy to future victims.

we were going to stay two nights, but we're definitely going home tomorrow.

perhaps the most distgusting & disturbing costume ever

this is appalling on so many levels. i'm writing a letter to target. goal - have them pulled nationwide. seriously.

rice cakes

rice cakes.

the word "cake" implies, and really downright promises, frosting. therefore, rice cakes should be renamed to "cardboard circles made of rice."

look who's in us this week

a lovely jennifer garner ... the very day i saw her in the admiral's club. i am so glad i'm not famous. it would suck to have your photo taken all of the time.

is it bad to take your blackberry to bed with you?

seriously. it's been happening. sad, huh?

wow. this would only happen in southern california

Standoff with RV driver ends

From a Times Staff Writer10:05 AM PDT, September 6, 2007

The driver of a motor home who led police on an hourlong chase through the San Fernando Valley before barricading himself inside the vehicle was taken into custody today, police said.Neither the suspect, identified as David Wayne Rosales, 42, of Northridge, nor police were hurt. The standoff ended at 9:20 a.m. when police fired tear gas into the motor home, LAPD Officer April Harding said.

Police said Rosales had a history of weapons violations and was distraught over a child custody dispute.Shortly after 3 a.m., officers said, they saw Rosales commit several traffic violations near Dronfield Avenue and Weidner Street in Lakeview Terrace. Rosales may have pointed a gun at officers, police said.

Rosales drove around the Valley for more than an hour before parking his vehicle about 4 a.m. near his wife's house on Parthenia and Oso streets in Northridge. About 8 a.m., police broke a window of his RV and handed him a phone. They fired tear gas into the vehicle when talks broke down.

question.

i've been shopping for my soon to be 4-year-old nephew.

i've noticed some unusual clothing size references ... for instance, why are chubby girls' clothes referred to as "plus sizes" or "extended sizes" and chubby boys' clothes are referred to as "husky?"

as "well-nourished" has already been taken by my allergist ... what's wrong with assigning sizes without the labels?

witnesses

kristine and i went on our morning walk this morning ... and we noticed a car with a woman about our age parked at one end of the park. she was doing a little primping, but we thought nothing of it and moved on.

until we noticed said woman making out with a guy like he was going to war on the picnic benches. OMG. seriously, they should have totally gotten a room. i almost threw up my rice krispies.

i'm pretty sure we were witness to some type of malfeasance. affair? if nothing else, it gave two busy bodies something to talk about for 10 minutes. :-)

blood

since the start of summer, i have given more than 20 vials of blood in a vain (get it?) attempt to find out why i break out in hives all of the time and my lips swell to an obscene, Angelina Jolie-likeness.

i still have no diagnosis. and i am 6 vials of blood shorter today.

need answer soon. not sure which is worse. giving blood or constantly itching like i have some form of lice lurking on my skin.

well-nourished

i saw the front of my chart at my allergist's the other day.

it had my age, race, birthdate, etc ...

then we get to the dreaded height and weight categories.

my height is described as average.

my body (aka weight) is described as well-nourished.

i suppose that's better than "chubby," but seriously, well-nourished? isnt' that kind of an oxymoron? if i was truly well-nourished, i probably wouldn't be overweight. shouldn't it be over-nourished?

nirvana

starbucks inside of a target. sheer genius.

we all scream for ice cream

i want to buy an ice cream truck.
my husband has requested a business plan.

first, i have to find a reasonably priced truck. found a couple on eBay tonight ... they're about 3x what i was expecting.

but i won't let the dream die. i'm getting an ice cream truck. it just might take a little while.

super hot cowboy hat

this hat sat in front of me on the plane today. didn't get a chance for a good photo until we were deplaning. super hot. i was extra impressed with the use of cocktail swords that probably held fruit before they were appropriated to hat decor. :-)

focus, julie, focus

i am in the lovely state of texas as i had a meeting with AAFES this morning. (army air force exchange services) i've been there before...i know it's on a base and it's serious business. MPs are all over the place with big guns, etc. but this morning, as usual, i was running late (that really wasn't my fault ... marriott sucks ass) and i was on the phone.

i was still on the phone when i arrived. i wasn't ready to check in with the head MP ... so i pulled over to finish my conversation. during my converstation, my rep pulled up in front of me and checked in. apparently, the MPs were just about to come over and question what the hell i was doing parked on the base without checking in. apparently, that behavior raises some red flags. mike vouched for me and we checked in.

when i got to the actual entrance, the MPs asked if i'd been there before (i was back on the phone by now) ... i advised that i had and they told me to have a nice day. well, i had never gone in THAT entrance and apparently i was driving in places that i wasn't supposed to be driving and that kinda upset them. one of the MPs cut me off on foot and sternly told me where i was going to go. he had a really big gun so i was as demure as possible ... but seriously, i was driving a hyundai that had been searched. why must we sound the alarms?

i could never be involved with the military on a daily basis. too many rules.

3:30 in the morning

my phone started ringing this morning at 3:30 am CST. none of my customers or the home office would be up at that time ... so I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep.

it wouldn't stop. so against my better judgment, i answered.

"this is american airlines. flight XXXX leaving on august 29th has been cancelled. we have re-booked you on flight XXXY at 2:10 pm. you have been assigned seat 24E."

two hours delayed ... no biggie ... but a MIDDLE seat. seriously, that just doesn't fly with me. no pun intended. :-)

so i got the platinum desk on the phone ASAP. expressed my thanks for being rebooked, but begged for a better seat. sitting on a wing would have been better than sitting in the middle!

status has it's advantages. she got me an exit row aisle. in coach, you can't beat that.

by 4 am, i was all set. but i never fell back asleep. perhaps it's because the smell of texas doesn't agree with me?

i wish i looked that good without make up

i saw jennifer garner in the admiral's club today.
even with no make up and her hair tied back in a ponytail, she was absolutely adorable.

my poor little cell phone

first she was lost in las vegas.
now she's wet.

she was in my pocket and got wet when i de-boated today during a trip to pyramid lake. :-(

i think she'll be okay. she worked for a little while. then the SIM card went a little crazy. then i let her dry and she worked again.

she's currently air drying a little more in pieces in my office. sad. oh, so sad.

i hate being wrong

i really thought that the nosy neighbor on bewitched was named edna kravitz.

turns out that my husband is correct. her name was GLADYS KRAVITZ. (double checked on www.imdb.com) wow. i've been using an inaccurate pop culture reference for YEARS. i guess i too can be wrong.

how to know when you need a vacation

i showed up this morning to walk with my friend, kristine, and i had no shoes on. i had socks, but no shoes. i need a break.

my new favorite show

rick and steve: the happiest gay couple in all the world

www.happiestgaycouple.com

this is the best show in a LONG time. i just heart it! i highly recommend it. :-)

ps. mom - think of this as wayne's world. you probably won't care for it. :-(

day 2

still not healthy enough for a pedicure. pardon the ass paint job.

joe had to operate on my toe last night and let the blood out. it was HUGE. i was too beat to get out of bed and get the camera ... so let your imagination run wild.

i may just be the most clumsy girl in the world.

SUPER F

as if the last few days haven't been challenging enough, i tripped over one of lola's ubiquitous bones today and smashed my little toe into a bedroom door.

i really don't think i've ever had that much pain, that fast, that lasted that long. i must have yelled fuck a million times. and then burst into tears because the pain wouldn't subside.

it's been 5 hours. this is what my toe looks like now. not good. joe wants to pop the blood blister situation. i won't let him. although, i might break. it's still throbbing pretty hard. SUPER F.

ps. been a long week in dry, desert like weather. hence the sad state of my pedicure. (the chip happened in the accident). this will be handled tomorrow. they could only get me in for a massage today. i almost feel human again.

i would totally learn how to bbq if i had one of these ...

a vendor had one of these adorable grills at the show last week in vegas (she even has nipples) ... and he offered to sell her to me for cost ... $700 ... if i could get her home. i could only imagine joe's face if i'd showed up with a u-haul and a pink pig grill.

this vendor is going to be at both of my upcoming tradeshows ... one is in atlanta (too far to drive) and one is in denver. denver may be an option. :-)

i could have lost my head if it wasn't attached

i couldn't hang on to anything this week ... i guess 9 days in 105+ heat will do that to you!

i lost my cell phone on wednesday ... the following is an excerpt from a press released previously published outside of this blog.

"true story.

i didn't know where i lost my phone on wednesday night. and it was GONE before i started drinking. i knew i had it at the hotel ... and the last phone call went out at 4:17 pm. the only place it could have been was the restaurant, the taxi or the street. when the restaurant advised that they didn't have it, i wrote it off ... a stranger who found it on the street wouldn't be able to get it back to me, even if they tried.

so, i called it several times on wednesday night, hoping someone would pick it up. joe tried too. nothing. just voicemail.

yesterday morning, i tried again. and lupe, from las vegas western cab lost and found answered my phone! someone had turned it in! so i went down this morning and got her back! WOOHOO! i will so back up my sim card when i get home. i wasn't concerned about having to buy another phone, i just didn't want to have to enter in all of my information manually. not mention that i would have lost all of my cool graphics and tones! so, call me on my cell again ..."

on a side note ... when i got to the taxi company lost and found, a guy in the front inquired as to whether i was there to pick up my check ... seriously.

so if that wasn't bad enough, i lost my AMEX last night in downtown vegas. turns out, i left it in a bar at the golden nugget. however, it was in the SAFE by the time i got there and security had to retrieve it for me. i am so glad that i got to fill out two evidence-type forms yesterday and leave copies of my driver's license all over vegas.

i need to get back home. 9 days here was way too long ...

almost got my ass kicked

looked up yesterday at the tradeshow and immediately locked eyes with one of the tradeshow maintenance crew. i smiled.

she said, "what you laughing at?" her tone was frightening.

i looked away before she could kick my ass. she was a bit rough. i could have been hurt for being nice! so sad.

red licorice flavor

i broke down and had a tub of red vines in my booth at the show. granted, they probably became "pee pee red vines" 5 minutes after opening them as you never know how many people have washed their hands, but i digress.

a psycho vendor came over and exclaimed she just LOVES licorice and could she please have some. i advised she could.

she asked me if the licorice was strawberry or cherry flavored ... to which i replied, "it's red licorice flavor." she told me there wasn't such a thing.

i explained to this woman that red vines are red licorice flavor ... TWIZZLERS come in either strawberry or cherry. she told me i was wrong. i told her that it's a coast thing ... red wines are west coast and twizzlers are east coast.

she still didn't believe me.

so i advised that she should trust the chubby people. we know candy. (she was a twig and skinny people can't be expected to know the ins and outs of candy.)

she gave me a perplexed look and left. :-)

how dumb are the toy manufacturers?

another lead paint recall in about a week's time. who the hell is in charge here? among the affected ... barbie and tanner ... apparently tanner's poop is toxic. well, duh. what poop isn't toxic?

another day at LAX

i took a town car to LAX today.

i wish i could do this for every trip ... the sky caps are ALL OVER YOU when you get out of a town car. i was in the security line 3 minutes after the car stopped at the curb. of course i left my sunglasses on until i went through the metal detector to play into the mystery of my identity.

on a side note ... celebrity sighting. Fred Willard. I heart him. He is fabulous in the Christopher Guest moves ... my favorite being Best in Show.

blackout curtains

joe put up blackout curtains in our bedroom about a month ago.

we had no idea that they'd work so well. i overslept the first morning ... getting up at 10 am rather than 7!

after a month long struggle, we've resorted to tying one side back each night. otherwise, we may never make it to work on time again.

if you're having trouble sleeping ... they work like a charm!

elvis pez

gotta love that there are now elvis pez!

i picked a set up at vons ... i had no idea they're limited edition and already out of stock on http://pezco.securesites.com/catalog/index.php?cPath=91_153&osCsid=76f83942c01f959abe96cfa835ba0230.

i'm glad i have one ... even though joe and i found at least 200 pez in the garage today during our quarterly cleaning. they are safely stored away, however, i am donating the 150 beanie babies to the ventura county foster care program, so at least that's something.

funnel cake

i had funnel cake at the fair last night for the first time. i don't see what all of the excitement is about. it was gross. :-( i should have stuck to hot dog on a stick! :-)

the vest

i just don't understand the vest.

why not wear a jacket? or a sweatshirt? what good is the vest if no sleeves are available? i just don't get it.

drew loving pedophiles?

k & i took sid to see nancy drew this afternoon.
have to admit that i was a little creeped out by the 3 SINGLE OVER 50 YEAR OLD MEN who were in the theater with us.

these men were not sitting together ... they were sitting alone. and i couldn't see their hands.

seriously. do you think they were pedophiles? ew.

say hello to our little friend

super vile. it's possum season at the beach shack. that's right, that little beast is on MY WALL. i just hope lola doesn't kill one while joe is in london. i think we'd have to stay in a hotel until he got back ... or call the gardener ... or my dad ... or rick? i am so not cleaning up possum blood. i've done it once and that was way enough.

venice & sepulveda kwik e mart - on the inside

kwik e mart - venice blvd. & sepulveda - july 9th!

i made it to the kwik e mart on monday the 9th. it was about 11:45 pm when i got there and there was still a LINE to get it. so i stayed in the car and got some photos. (Ash - that neighborhood is super scary after dark!) ps. the guys in the first picture remind me of the guys in say anything that do the lloyd dobler rap!

how to locate a kwik e mart

little envy here.

my cousin, Ashley, visited a "kwik e mart" yesterday. it sounds really cool. she even bought buzz cola!

if you're interested in visiting one in your area ... http://www.7-eleven.com/kem.asp

i hope to go to the one in los angeles tomorrow. :-)

celebrity sighting at LAX

beverly d'angelo was lost inside of the lax admiral's club today.

seriously.

she asked the front desk 2 times while i was standing in line for an upgrade how to exit the club.

curious. didn't she enter the club? it's the same way out as in. but i still heart her for her roles in the vacation movies and entourage. http://imdb.com/name/nm0000350/

new word of the day

hijinx

life imitates art

the simpson's movie releases july 27th.

7-11 converted twelve convenience stores to "kwik e marts" to promote the movie.

however, it seems that slurpees have also been converted to squishees. see attached picture submitted by my friend, malibu tim.

seriously. are you really that dumb?

i spent the week in south jersey at the home office of the company for which i work.

one afternoon, i was talking to our head of collections / credit and our direction of edi. (electronic order transmissions). both should be pretty smart given their jobs. however, i quickly learned that while they may be book smart, they sure as hell don't know anything about american geography.

we were talking about passports. will (collections) mentioned that his passport was about to expire. i told him that he really should renew it now while he doesn't have any international travel planned as it can take up to 12 weeks for a new one. that led into a discussion about the new passport rules re: mexico, canada and the carribean. i commented that the new rules were good for the tourism in puerto rico and the us virgin islands. steve (edi guy) then inquired as to why that would matter. "you need a passport to go to those places too," he stated authoritatively. SERIOUSLY. so i reminded steve that both puerto rico and the us virgin islands are us territories, thereby a us citizen may travel to either place with just an id card / driver's license. it's no different than crossing into new york from new jersey.

if that wasn't bad enough, will said, oh yea, well, what about hawaii? do you need a passport to go there? i shit you not. i kindly reminded will that hawaii is the 50th state, and alaska was the 49th ... just in fucking case.

unbelieveable.

my first firefly

i saw my very first firefly tonight. at the ripe old age of 34!

i had just parked the car at the hotel in south jersey and thought something was sparking / like an ember. but as it turns out, it was a firefly! he lit up twice before i lost sight of him.

and then the rain, thunder and lightning started. coincidence?

philly cheesesteaks

i just had my first philly cheesesteak. at the strong urging of my boss.

it was absolutely terrible. ass. i can't believe people rave about these things.

brady bunch

i just discovered that the brady bunch ran from 1969 - 1974.
which means every episode i saw was a rerun. i thought that was a current series when i was a kid in the late 70s early 80s.

brings a whole new meaning to "it's new to me."

ps. my friend kristine told me that ann b. davis is a lesbian. does anyone have any info on that?

creative packaging

i have a book to return to amazon.com. as i am so tidy, i already broken down and recycled the box it came in ... it's an odd shape, so it was tough to find a box large enough. so i improvised.

i cut two large UPS boxes and wrapped them around the bubble wrapped book. since i'm sending it USPS, i covered up all mentions of UPS with priority stickers.

but it was going to cost $15 to send it priority mail ... so i am sending it media. i hope they understand my messages. :-)

should be interesting. can't wait to see if it makes it!

wisdom tooth drama

the wisdom tooth situtation is getting out of hand.

had #1 and #32 pulled on june 4th.

#32 has caused me great pain.

so much that i may have to have surgery. yippee.

this is my mouth. i'm wondering where my front teeth are, because i still have them.

not sure when the saga is going to be over. i'm on pain killer rx #3. it's super sad.

90069

just learned that the zip code of 90069 belongs to west hollywood.

i absolutely love it ... how cool is that? i wish my zip code was 90069.

lunch in mississippi

had lunch at a place called "Dale's" yesterday in Southaven, Mississippi.

they actually had cheeseburgers made with velveeta. see attached. ew!

fortune cookies

there was no fortune in my fortune cookie tonight.

that can't be good.

people are strange

on my lax to dfw leg today, i was one of the first passengers seated. that meant i could watch a lot of the passengers board ... which is a great time.

one guy strolled down the aisle with a brown paper shopping bag ... with handles. inside were 3 boxes of fruit loops. why, i wondered. fruit loops are available just about everywhere ... and it was only a 2.5 hour flight ... while i understand bringing snacks with one while traveling ... was he really going to eat 3 boxes during the flight?

i lost sight of him when we deplaned. it's such a free for all when that little bell goes off that i was lucky to escape with my life; let alone track fruit loop boy.

why i loathe the dentist

i had my last two wisdom teeth pulled today.
I NEVER would have consented if the last two had gone so poorly.

mr. dentist couldn't get my bottom right wisdom tooth to budge. so, rather than give up, tell me to eat lots of sugar and hope it falls out on its own, he got a SAW and cut it out of my jaw. that's right. with the saw noise and EVERYTHING. i thought i was going to die. or break a finger from gripping the chair so hard.

so, after all of that (did i mention the tears streaming down my face?), he had the AUDACITY to tell me that ibuprofen would be enough for the pain. i don't think so!

i took one vicodin and i can still hardly stand the pain. seriously.

the flamingos are back!

Original pink flamingo lawn ornament reborn in new US factory
The Associated Press
Friday, June 1, 2007

BOSTON: The original pink flamingo lawn ornament — the Americans' answer to the ubiquitous garden gnome — is making a comeback after its manufacturer went out of business last year.

A company that bought the copyright and plastic molds for the original version plans to resume production in Westmoreland, New York. HMC International LLC will pick up where Union Products Inc. left off last year when it shuttered its Leominster, Massachusetts, plastics factory after 50 years of making the kitschy, bright pink birds.

J.C. Waszkiewicz, head of family-owned HMC, said Thursday he expects retailers who buy his firm's flamingoes wholesale will appreciate subtle design differences between knockoff versions and the original by Don Featherstone, who studied art before Union Products hired him in 1956 to expand its lawn ornament lineup.

"Once I began discussions about buying Union Products, I started examining the different products on the market, and I realized Mr. Featherstone created a great-looking flamingo," said Waszkiewicz, whose firm closed on its purchase of Union Products in April for an undisclosed price. "There are other people who have tried to capitalize on his design, but none that I've seen hold a candle to the quality and detail he created."

Waszkiewicz's firm expects to resume Featherstone flamingo production by the end of summer. After Union Products ceased production last June, uncertainty surrounding the fate of the original led aficionados to snap up remaining stock in retail stores and secondhand Featherstone flamingos, in case those models became unavailable for good.

The molds are based on flamingos Featherstone sculpted from clay, working from photos of the graceful birds in National Geographic magazine.

The ornaments hit the market in the late 1950s when the color pink was in vogue, and America's exploding population of suburbanites sought to add flair to their lawns.

But the birds also came to symbolize bad taste, and some residential developments even banned flamingo ornaments from lawns. The bird also became a target of pranksters, some of whom swiped the ornaments from front yards, took them on the road, and then sent photos to their owners showing the kidnapped birds in front of sights like the Grand Canyon.

The flamingos typically sell at $10 to $20 (€7 to €14) for boxed sets of two — one standing nearly 3 feet (90 centimeters) high with its head held proudly erect, the other bending over as if munching on grass. Their legs are spindly metal rods that can be planted in the ground. The Featherstone originals have their creator's signature etched into the bird's plastic rear end.

love it!

the "do not disturb" sign at the hotel has the following quote printed on it.

"Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses. Jake: Hit it."

how great is that?

superassdawg's

i was so excited to try a superdawg today.

i made a special trip ... the best chicago dogs are ALLEDGEDLY made here.

let me tell you ... it sucked. totally disappointed. greasy, salty ... just gross.

i so wish i could vomit.

WTF!?!

i just saw a commercial for white castle (never been a fan, but i digress) ... they are advertising "chicken rings" ... they're like donuts, but instead of fluffy donutty matter, the ring is made out of chicken!

question. what part of the chicken is shaped like a ring? huh? the hiney hole? maybe they should call these deep fried chicken sphincters. yum, yum!

i just might barf.

little debbie too!

i guess everyone is on the 100 calorie bandwagon! saw these little gems in a dominick's store on the northside of chicago today ... "little debbie, little debbie i'm coming home ... you make me walk like a camel"

resume killers

as quoted by www.careerbuilder.com this morning ...

Applicant attached a letter from her mother.
Applicant specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday and Sunday was "drinking time."
Applicant explained that he works well nude.
Applicant explained an arrest by stating, "We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig."
Applicant drew a picture of a car on the outside of the envelope and said it was the hiring manager's gift.
Applicant explained a gap in employment by saying it was because he was getting over the death of his cat for three months.

i would love to meet these people!

who could have predicted ...

that i would get named Vendor of the Year at one of my major hardware customers? that's right HARDWARE. i never could have predicted this fabulous turn of events.

now ... let's just hope the title comes with a tiara.

did i mention?

that joe and i were out until 3 am this morning? i can't remember the last time we closed down a club and then went out for breakfast before the papers were delivered.

i would like to state here, for the record, that i have no idea how i did the bar / club / whatever thing so often in my 20s. there was not one guy there last night that wasn't:
a. dirty
b. crusty
c. vile
or
d. just downright scary
seriously. but it was an "older" crowd, so i totally hearted being one of the "young" ones.

shockingly, i am not hungover today. not at all. tylenol and water are my new best friends. i guess i did learn something valuable in my 20s after all. :-)

the stars at night are big and bright ... deep in the heart of texas!

so ... here's the alamo. in all of its glory.

still no basement. sorry, pee wee.

i can't believe i missed this toy!

Growing up Skipper

Growing up Skipper: a doll made from 1974 to 1977 by Mattel. You cranked her arm backwards in a circle, and her breasts grew. She would also gain half an inch in height. I had this doll, in its red leotard and wrap-around red and white checked skirt.

Did anyone have this doll?

lunch in san antonio

we stubbled on a quaint, mexican, highly colorful restaurant in san antonio today.

i swear, i've never seen so many pinatas or lights in one place before!

attached is photo documentation.

holy shit.

www.mitierracafe.com

coincidence?

my obsession with the alamo started when i was 12 and saw pee wee's big adventure for the first time.

you know ... pee wee's bike is stolen ... fortune teller advises it's at the alamo in the basement ... trek to san antonio commences ... no basement, no bike ... remember?

so how cool is it that i'm in san antonio right now and pee wee's big adventure is on tv? and bonus - the hotel in which i'm staying is less than 1/2 a mile from the alamo.

sometimes life is just too good.

you couldn't pay me to live here

arrived in san antonio at 8:27 pm CST on may 15th.
it was 90 degrees and STICKY FUCKING HUMID.

seriously, if it weren't for the alamo, i would LOATHE this place.

someone thinks she's too sexy for the valley

wow.

sprinkles!

first attempt at making an official sprinkles cupcake!

happy mother's day

seriously, why would one choose to wish a stranger "happy mother's day" when said stranger is sans child?

after my much needed pedicure this afternoon, the girl who processed my payment said, "bye. have a great mother's day."

when will my ovaries be big enough to break down at a time like that and announce to anyone that will listen that i'm barren? i'm not, but seriously, how many free treatments would that display have gotten me?

losing my religion, err wisdom

my two remaining wisdom teeth are scheduled for elimination on june 4th.

seriously, i've had them for this long. why can't i keep 'em mr. dentist?

day 37

the lip swelling is just about over.

all it took was a visit to my competent primary doctor ... some prednisone ... and the firing of my allergist by my regular doctor. she loathes him too.

so, let's keep our fingers crossed that i've lost that jolie lip look ...

happy birthday to me!

34 years young today! what a fun day! took 2 naps, got a massage, watched movies and had a great dinner ... woohoo! day 2 of birthday palooza was a success!

birthday palooza starts today!

start of a new month.
birthday is in less than a day.
i think i'm going to start a new tradition.

"birthday palooza!"

at least 2 weeks straight of birthday celebrating.

shouldn't be hard!

nobody puts baby in a corner

only 3 days until my birthday!

AND it's the 20th anniversary of dirty dancing (nope, don't feel old at all!) ... they've released the movie on the BIG SCREEN across the country for TWO DAYS ONLY. may 1st and 2nd! joe made dinner plans on my birthday, so we can't go that night ... but we can go on the 1st. i had to BEG to get him to agree to go with me. (btw, kristine and tim wouldn't go either ... so poor joe!). i can't wait! i've never seen it on the big screen!

WOOHOO!

day 26

fuck the allergist.
he's fired.
saw him again and now i'm on 3 antihistamines ... still swollen.

ate chilies and dairy ... no change.

maybe i'm allergic to him!

day 22

despite taking 2 antihistamines (strong ones) and sacrificing chilies (and now dairy) my lips are still swollen.

it's day 22.

eggs

there is an expiration date on eggs.
who knew?

this is gonna hurt

my upper lip has been swollen for at least two weeks.
it looks like i've had a botched collagen treatment.
the cause - i'm allergic to something.

well, duh.

so after ANOTHER visit to the allergist, he's decided that i am not to eat anything spiced with chilis, in ANY form, for two weeks. we think it's some kind of chili that's causing the reaction ... and since there are no blood or skin tests for chilis ... we are going the elimination route. no tabasco, no salsa, no hot sauce, no spice AT ALL. if the swelling has gone away ... i can start re-introducing the foods into my diet, one at a time ... waiting another two weeks to be sure it's not the culprit ... and so on.

basically, i'm performing one long-ass science experiment on myself.

oh, and what to do while we don't know? don't leave home without an epi pen and a cell phone. super fun.

f.

offices

day two of being in the home office in nj.
i'm so over working in an office.

i've probably spent 5 months max in an office during my career. it really and truly sucks. i like working at home. then when it's slow i can nap. can't nap here. and there's just too many people ... too much noise and distractions.

i wanna go home to my red office.

there just might be a coupon for everything ...

from this week's ventura reporter

dear mr. ditka ...

and i quote (me),

"Dear Mr. Ditka,

During our March 23rd visit to your restaurant, we received exemplary service! However, one of the team members stood out - Anna. She was instrumental in finding my lost Ben Franklin Action Figure - which was located in the second floor bar. As you can see by the enclosed photo, Ben had a great time.

Thank you for a fabulous evening.

Fondly,
Julie S. and Ben"

i mailed the letter yesterday, on pink stationery (no, it was not scented - name that movie), along with a copy of the picture of mike, my two friends and ben. i framed the picture so it would be SUPER easy for mike, or a member of his staff, to put the picture on the wall. awesome!

my new friends, barbie & tanner

this toy is the shit, so to speak!

you feed barbie's dog, tanner, treats, he poops them out, and barbie cleans up after him with her pooper scooper.

who the fuck thinks of this stuff?

ps. i totally bought one.

joe's birthday, mike ditka & ben franklin

as i was going to be out of town for yet another one of joe's birthday ... he flew to chicago to celebrate with me in the windy city. i don't think he knew what he was in for ...

on friday night ... the eve of his actual birthday ... we went to mike ditka's with five of my colleagues ... including my boss.

as to be expected with this group ... it was out of control. :-) to give you an idea, our server, jackson, referred to us as "his drinkers." love it.

so, during appetizers ... my boss returned to the table ... from the powder room and announced the DITKA HIMSELF was in the bar. WOOHOO! (i was kinda expecting it ... i've never been to ditka's when he wasn't there ... but i digress.)

gerianne, the only other girl in our party, was SO excited that we ran over to check him out. and there he was ... smoking a cigar at his own table ... and he was wearing his GIGANTIC superbowl ring. :-) gerianne was too afraid to talk to him, so i went downstairs, bought her a tee shirt and asked mr. ditka to sign it. which he did. (he had a sharpie!) then i asked if i could take his picture ... he obliged ... and I BLINDED him with my flash ... i apologized and scampered away.

a little while later, two of the guys in our party decided that they wanted me to take their picture with DA COACH. i offered to lend them my camera, but i was a little nervous to go back to ditka after i blinded him. they begged, offered to take my ben franklin action figure (he's like a gnome in our group ... he goes everywhere with us and even has a kite ... but i'm really digressing now), so i agreed.

we went back to ditka ... they posed, i took a flashless picture. it was too dark, so i advised mike to close his eyes as the flash was imminent. he took one for the team, so to speak, and the picture is perfect. ben is in touchdown formation.

after the photo session, i headed to the ladies. i figured the guys got ben. it wasn't until we were eating dinner that bobo (another story) got up quickly and retrieved ben from ditka's table. ben had been hanging with ditka the entire time!

as the evening progressed, we got drunker, which lead to more drama. my husband had SEVEN martinis ... holy crap. i then took apart one of the birthday blowouts we had at the table and made ben a birthday toga. he was adorable.

we were about done at this point ... and we headed to the bar to say goodnight to my boss and craig, another one of our friends ... they were watching the basketball games ... after that, joe and i headed back to the hotel.

that is when everything took a turn for the worse. as i was packing ben's kite for the show the next day, i realized that I HAD LOST BEN. it was a nightmare.

joe - who was passed out ... was no help. i called my friends, and my boss, but no one was picking up their phones. it was after 11 pm and ben was on his own.

i had no choice but to call ditka's. the woman that answered the phone checked our table, with our server and even asked the kitchen staff ... no one had seen ben.

i kinda panicked. he's our mascot! our gnome!

joe was really out at this point ... so i downloaded my pictures from the night ... after looking through them, i realized that i had ben when we visited my boss and craig at the bar.

so i called ditka's back. i talked with a guy ... advised that ben franklin was missing in the restaurant ... and he put me on hold ... he came back before he searched the 2nd story and took my name and number. he didn't laugh once.

15 long minutes passed ... then the phone rang. it was anna from ditka's. she advised that she had my DOLL. i told anna that he's really an action figure and that we'd be by the next morning to pick him up.

joe did the honors and ben is back safe and sound. kite and all.

yum yum! - sarcastic - "crap meat"

from hill street cafe in ventura, ca.

porta potty at 30+ stories

i'm staying downtown chicago on the 31st floor of the sofitel hotel.

a new high rise is being built across the street ...

the attached photo is what i saw this morning as i was looking out at lake michigan.

look for the blue dot in the center of the photo ... that is a new porta potty being hoisted up to the top floor for the workers.

this afternoon, the dell guy (who was installing a new keyboard / touch pad on my laptop) and i saw a porta potty going the other way ... i guess they have to send them down for emptying?

super gross!

when two worlds collide

a pink camry taxi in vegas. does it get any better than this?

you know you travel too much when ...

you have to pack dirty clothes for laundering at your next destination because the window of time between is too short to have them laundered at home. i shit you not.

viva las vegas

as i woke up in chicago today at 4 am CST ... and then flew to las vegas, i was a bit out of it when i landed in nevada at 9:00 am PST this morning. but not as out of it as the guy on a pay phone (i didn't think anyone used those anymore) who asked me "we're in seattle, correct?" as i walked past him. i was feeling a little petulant, but i did tell him the truth ... advising, "we're in vegas, baby."

seriously, that was the highlight of my day. today was one of the worst i have EVER endured at work ... it was so bad that i almost quit. seriously.

coin slot

did you know that the slang definition for "coin slot" is the butt crack a woman shows when bending over in low rise jeans.

super.

fanfuckingtastic

i speak dyson

so, we have the dyson animal vaccum cleaner. i swear ... for $500+ i would expect not to have to have a degree in home ec to run it.

joe has had to explain it a couple of times.

perhaps i don't get it because i just don't want to?

but i kinda did it today ... i'm kinda proud.

diner dash 2

i am addicted to diner dash 2. for those of you lucky enough not to know what this is, it's a computer game that sucks you in until you're playing in your sleep.

kind of how i was with hello kitty party pals.

i absolutely do not have time for this game. i know we're going to have to break up eventually, i'm just not ready yet.