flip, flop ... flip, flop

how lovely is it that i wore flip flops to dinner tonight ... on the 30th of december? i love my life.

however, i have to break out the boots tomorrow ... we're going to the mountains for new year's. one day of snow should do it for me ... :-)

ready for 01/11/07

thanks to abc.com, i am all caught up on the 3rd season of grey's anatomy. not too bad for a mid-season 3 joiner. :-) now, if i could only catch up on my sleep ...

hello kitty kitty cakes!

thanks for the cool waffle maker, Grandma!

funny christmas letter

strange present

this is a gift from james to kim. it has airholes. i am scared.

christmas hijinks

flash back to junior high. this is malibu tim's car which was parked outside of his mom's house. the house is called "trevan heaven." i shit you not.

lola's bling

best present so far of christmas 2006! thanks, robin & aaron!

so drunk

2006 - gonna show up at christmas eve drunk. so drunk right now that there is no way i'll be sober by tomorrow. fuck.

and we had a celebrity at our impromtu party tonight. "billy, don't be a hero" ring any bells?

i rock.

note to self & target seasonal buyer re: christmas wrapping paper

next year be cognizant of the fact that you live at the beach. there should be no snow, snow people, or any other snow-related icons. do you really want to "let it snow?" no, sir. there isn't any snow here. the target seasonal buyer should also be reminded of this fact ... most of the wrap stocked at targets at the beach should have beach-themed (hell, even desert-themed) wrap available. what's wrong with a few good sandmen? :-)

brings a little tear to my eye

watching my husband and my ex-boyfriend hug it out in honor of Christmas fills me with holiday cheer. :-) (that would be nick, for those of you who know him)

one word - dedication

there was a mop & broom situation in the new vons down the street from me. i fixed it ... despite the fact that joe forgot to leave me his "sports wagon." there is no stopping a woman with a mop & broom situation looming.

i have the touch

i took on the little red furry monster and won.
after seeing how cool elmo tmx is at my friend sweet's house last weekend, i decided that my dad HAS to have an elmo. he was totally obsessed with chicken dance elmo, ymca elmo, etc. ... so he'd totally heart this one.

toysrus.com had them for $39.99 this morning. with a little luck, i'll have it by christmas. :-)

got my christmas bonus - went to the beach!

gut-wrenching

nothing sucks more than hearing your parents or grandparents cry. for me, that is. i'm sure kids trump both. but i digress.

sometimes i wish i was as tough as the facade i can pull off. i've spent most of the past hour silently crying after talking to my grandma. today would have been my grandfather's 89th birthday. it still physically hurts to think about it.

trying to concentrate on the good of today. today is also my cousin's 30th birthday, and she is awesome. something good with the bad makes everything okay. even steven, as seinfeld would say.

lola godiva

junk email

i have started a new campaign. i am making an effort to officially unsubscribe to all of the junk emails i get each day ... which are usually the result of buying something online or booking travel. it's absolutely ludicrious to get 10 - 20 of these emails a day. (this is in addition to the stuff my spam filter already filters away from my view). i hate junk email. it's as bad as junk snail mail. i am in a hateful mood today, huh?

obsessed

i never got into grey's anatomy. didn't really want to get involved with another show.

so, i wasn't really excited when i won the second season of grey's at joe's holiday party a couple of weeks ago. but i ordered the first season from netflix to give it a shot.

i can't stop watching it. the series is currently in its 3rd season, at about episode 45. since saturday, i've watched 19. (remember, i had the flu over the weekend) i can't stop. i LOVE it.

question. re: sickness

if one has dedicated 3 days to the flu (most of which was spent in the loo or in bed) ... isn't that enough? why would the same person move immediately into a cold?

this is so not fair. however, joe may get his christmas miracle again this year. my voice is definitely giving out.

cute saying on a tee shirt

tiaras make me taller!

too bad the largest size was a girl's 14!

funky graffiti

from the tidepools at la jolla cove. i simply discovered it; i did not defile the tidepool.

make that two refunds, please

joe's been barfing out his guts all morning.

that's two flu shots that sucked.

maybe gabor's right ... flu shots are just the government pumping toxins into us. as my friend sweet would say ... "they're donkey fuckers."

are refunds available?

i paid $21 for a flu shot on 11/18/06.

on 12/8/06 i developed a bad case of the stomach flu.

is this grounds for a refund?

southern california toll roads

during my recent travels to la jolla, i used the 73 N/S to avoid some of the traffic on the 5. most of the 73 is part of the california toll roads system, which are private. no government funds were used to build them, nor are they used to maintain them.

so is this why mr. CHP didn't pull me over on thursday as i flew past him going 90 mph? because he doesn't have jurisdiction?

curious.

true story

joe accompanied me to michael's tonight. i had two 40% off coupons ... so he made one purchase, and i another ... but i digress.

the woman ahead of him was writing a check. a CHECK. in 2006. after she FINALLY handed the check to the cashier, the cashier exclaimed, "we live in the same trailer park!"

i shit you not.

christmas wrapping

woohoo! i finished my christmas shopping and personal christmas cards tonight. i see a lot of wrapping in my future. :-)

two ass movies in a row

well, it's really three if you count my last netflix.

do not see the following movies unless you need a nap in an air-conditioned environment and have money to burn.

running with scissors (joe & i walked out)
for your consideration (kristine & i almost walked out)
scoop (netflix)

is this really all hollywood can come up with?

over the top?

this is the week for nature!

please meet patrick. he was attached to a jetty in ventura today. he is absolutely beautiful!

lola's prize from florida!

we love flamingos!

friends we made in florida!

dolphins, a crab and an armadillo!

"war driving"

joe told me about "war driving for a wireless internet signal" while we were in florida. this was the first i'd heard that there was a name for hijacking wireless signals.

i tried it today and it worked! i'm connected through kinko's in the parking lot! :-) it's not really "free" though ... i have a tmobile hotspot account ... but it still feels naughty!

home sweet home

i am home.
there is a small chance that tonight was the last flight of 2006 for me.
let's hope.

unbefuckinglievable

i have been stuck at chicago o'hell airport for over three hours. there are at least two more to go.

on my way to the admirial's club (yes, i have already been here once today), i took the attached picture. it's blurry, but just look at the yellow lines versus the white ones. that was three hours ago. the yellow represent delayed flights, the white are on-time.

as of a few minutes ago, there were no white lines.

fuck.

toll road drama

question. how is one supposed to pay a $0.50 toll when one does not have any change, the booth isn't personed, there is no dollar bill changer, there is no credit card reader and you don't have an automatic payment scanner because you're driving a rental car?

answer. you don't.

this phenomenon absolutely infuriates me. i have NO problem paying tolls ... however, if i am visiting from out of town and haven't memorized the toll system, i cannot be prepared by having a shitload of change available at the ready. however, if a credit card reader was made available ... i could always pay the required toll.

joe and i had to blow out two toll booths in florida this week. i'm kinda sad that they didn't have the bars lowered across the lane ... it would have been added fun to bust through them!

okay florida. send me the letter demanding your fucking $0.50. i can't wait to write that check and my letter of protest. by the way, in chicago and london one can go online to pay if one can't pay the toll at the time of passing. and in france - a seemingly THIRD WORLD COUNTRY - you can pay by credit card at ALL toll crossings. bottom line - if you want my money, make it possible for me to give it to you.

i am available for consulting.

for my friend ... sweet coalminer

this little jellyfish lost its life on the shores of new symrna beach, florida. i totally thought of my friend, sweet.

ps. my husband has now used the word "chode" in a sentence. also thought of you.

dark chocolate m&ms

these kick ass!

my new buddy

this is bodie. he is my sister-in-law's chocolate lab.

this one is for my sister, kim

dixie crossings restaurant
titusville, florida
11.25.06

it took over five years, but i FINALLY saw a gator in the wild!

meet fluffy ... she is just ONE of the many gators we saw at the kennedy space center today!

yummy adult beverages!

captain morgan's tattoo rum (it's black) and bailey's caramel irish cream are DELICIOUS. i highly recommend them.

field trip!

we are going to cape canaveral and the kennedy space center tomorrow! we're going on the tour that requires a background check so i'm assuming we're going to have a good time! pictures to follow. unless they're classified! :-)

and now a message from our sponsor

happy thanksgiving to all and to all a good night!

we're having a blast in florida. space center and daytona, here we come!

i think we ate enough to feed a small village in a rainforest somewhere.

ps. i am thankful that lola did not bite nick's balls today.

i am thankful for yet another celebrity sighting

sandra oh (grey's anatomy, sideways) has joined us here in the admiral's club.

last year it was alfre woodard from desperate housewives.

seeing sandra sure beats out my weird al sighting a couple of weeks ago in chicago.

who knew i had it in me!

in the past 24 hours, i have replaced three buttons and mended a hole in the pocket of a pair of running shorts. i did not bleed and saved about $20 by not taking my mending to the cleaners.

i rock.

anonymity

for the past 10 years, i have enjoyed a certain level of anonymity here in ventura. i like that i can run into the store or target without running into anyone i know. there are days that i don't want to put on makeup, get out of my track pants, etc.

these days have come to an abrupt halt.

i suddenly have a new identity. sidney's aunt julie.

in the past week alone, i've run into several moms from sid's class and brownie troop. wow. who knew? even the subway at the gas station isn't safe anymore. :-(

mea culpa

in case you can't read the note ...

"To whom it may concern - enclosed please find a fork from your establishment. it was inadvertently taken from your restaurant last weekend. it fell into my friend's purse. sorry for any inconvenience. jsw"

75 degrees and gorgeous

pismo beach, ca
november 19, 2006

note to self: when bummed about how expensive it is to live on california's coast, look at this picture. thanksgiving is in 3 days and i have a tan.

sanity saving tip

did you know that you can buy stamps and print shipping labels at www.usps.com? All stamp orders have a $1 shipping and handling fee attached; regardless of order size. This is a BARGAIN.

you can also use "click n ship" to print a shipping label. AND, if the item is heavier than one pound (you can't drop a package in a mailbox that's larger than one pound) you can schedule a carrier pick-up for NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE.

i haven't been in a post office for months.

service deli

i overheard a woman ordering at starbucks today. it is that kind of order / customer that makes me remember just how much working in the service deli sucked.

"sally" walked up to the counter and said, "i need to order 3 drinks, but need to pay for them separately." F. can't you people whip out a calculator and divy it up? i HATED customers like that. oh, and the drinks were "1/2 this, 1/2 that, no whip, extra whip, etc." DRAMA.

problem solver

at the wise old age of 33 i have realized that there is no problem that cannot be solved by racing up and down the coast, top down, radio blasting.

over the top, even by my standards

kristine and i drove past a "pump it up" the other night ... ("pump it up" www.pumpitupparty.com is a warehouse-like facility that's filled with bouncy houses, slides, etc. ... parents can rent it out for kids' parties.) anyway, parked outside of the building was a stretch hummer limo. who the fuck gets a limo for a little kid's party? if you have that much money, shouldn't you just rent out the magic kingdom?

bella vista, arkansas

literally, "bella vista" translates into "beautiful view."

isn't that an oxymoron in arkansas?

ps.

i may be high from inhaling sharpie fumes for prolonged periods of times.

this time i even sickened myself

as of today, i have all of my work related holiday cards ready to go. i even managed to write a personal note on each of them. there are about 80 cards in the pile.

this type a in its worst light.

a blast from the past

i spent 2 hours this afternoon supervising girl scout cookie sales. it brought back a lot of good memories of the hours i spent pushing cookies in front of vons when i was little.

i can't believe i'm old enough to be supervising the sales ... time goes by quickly!

ps. cookies are $4 a box now!

is your betty ready?

i am still laughing at this article from vanity fair this month!
(click on the article to enlarge it if you're having trouble reading it)

steves, part 2

to sweet coalminer:

how in the hell could i have forgotten "snacky?" actually, if his nickname had been "snacky steve," i probably would have been all over it. :-)

he was a real good time, as i recall. although, i don't think i ever had the pleasure of making his acquaintance. but after the valentine's day debacle, i feel like he was part of my life too. :-

isn't he married now? poor girl! i hope she feeds him lots of snacks!

jsw

steves

why do men with the name "steve" always cause problems for me?

the following list is in no particular order of importance. they're all super weasels. note: surnames have been omitted to protect the innocent and the guilty.

steve y. "aka vermin" - head of marriott maintenance when i was in college. he was more than incompetent (ie. left a porch light burned out for days in front of one of the residence halls at a women's college.) i got him fired. he's probably still working at a fast food joint in florida.

steve s. - one of skye's roomates in jackson hole. he was completely arrogant and accused me of touching his willy on the way home from the mangy moose on new year's 1999. he really should have been more concerned with the fact that it was so small i couldn't find it.

steve m. - the sheriff. for those of you who know the stories, enough said. for those of you who do not, they are in the vault.

steve d. - at my current place of employment. homophobic, redneck dick. need i say more?

steve k. - works for me as a rep. as dumb as they come. need to fire, but can't due to company politics. i'd like to dedicate "steve polycronopolis" by adam sandler to this weasel.

who am i missing?

squeekectomy

lola got an A in this clas

libations

one has to be pretty drunk to call one's husband to pick her up from a local watering hole. driving was not an option for me tonight.

lyrics

"strange is your language and i have no decoder" - peter gabriel

haunted house

this is a shot from a haunted house in ventura. "bush" was driving and in front of the car there were 3 "dead bodies." they were labeled "civil liberties," "peace," and "environment." those pictures did not turn out. :-(

2 things that suck about losing weight

1. getting colder easier / more quickly
2. pancake boobs

fruit

when will my body stop rejecting the 5 servings of fruit i eat every day? i HAVE to eat the fruit ... it's healthy and helps me lose weight.

hey, am i losing weight because fruit reeks havoc with my digestive system? does that happen to everyone? is that fruit's secret?

dancing

is dancing ability inherited? i ask because i was boogying in my office this morning and noticed a lot of ass shaking. i'm afraid i may have gotten that move from my dad. it's a little elaine-esque. oh well, i guess this white girl can't dance. at least my office is a safe dancing haven.

halloween

rude teenage trick or treaters got you down?

try giving them leftover condiment packets (or ice cubes if they're carrying a paper bag) ... that'll teach 'em to leave the trick or treating to the little kids!

(tip provided by lynn at the vanity shop)

what a pink flamingo sticker means in the bahamas

"Just so you know, if a store has a pink flamingo sticker on their door or window it means that this store meets strict government guidelines and that all their brands are authentic. The flamingo is the official bird."

alcohol

there is not enough alcohol in the world to erase the drama of the day's events. sometimes i wish i had a job to which i just had to show up, punch a clock, and not think. it's too bad that those jobs don't pay well enough to keep me content.

f.

business venture?

Pink plastic flamingo faces extinction
By MARK JEWELL, AP Business WriterSun Oct 29, 1:23 PM ET
The day Mayor Dean Mazzarella turned 40, he got a surprise. "After I woke up and went out for my morning run, I came back and there were 40 pink flamingos in my front lawn," Mazzarella recalled. "Someone had put them there as a joke."
Now that he's 49 — "the same age as the pink flamingo," he notes — he hopes both he and the iconic lawn ornament that his city claims as its own will still be around next year to celebrate 50.
But the original version of the plastic flamingo may be singing its swan song after inspiring countless pranks — and being alternately celebrated as a tribute to one of nature's most graceful creatures and derided as the epitome of American pop culture kitsch.
Union Products Inc. stopped producing flamingos and other lawn ornaments at its Leominster factory in June, and is going out of business Nov. 1 — a victim of rising expenses for plastic resin and electricity, as well financing problems.
The small privately held firm has been in talks with a pair of rival lawn ornament makers interested in buying the molds and resuming production of the flamingos, designed in 1957 by local son Don Featherstone.
"We think the flamingo will go on," Keith Marshall, Union Products' chief financial officer, said at the company's aging brick factory, where just a few years ago more than 100 employees churned out flamingos by the millions.
Just a couple workers were still around to wrap up business. At the front desk stood a lone flamingo with the words "Happy 50th birthday" written with a black marker on the side, symbolizing hope that the flamingo will rise phoenix-like from the ashes to be reborn.
Other companies' knockoff versions of the Featherstone original remain in production. But the uncertainty surrounding the original has aficionados of kitsch snapping up what they can via the online auction site eBay and elsewhere in case Featherstone versions go out of stock for good.
Mike Smollon, a firefighter who sees plenty of plastic flamingos in his Boynton Beach, Fla., neighborhood, traveled to Leominster to attend a wedding last month and was surprised to learn the city about 50 miles northwest of Boston is home of the original flamingo.
"I guess it never dawned on me that pink flamingos would be made anywhere else than Florida," the 55-year-old said.
Smollon had never owned flamingos before. But, on learning of Union Products' demise, he was inspired to drop by the factory and buy a dozen pairs — $15 per pair for regular pink ones, and $25 for gold-colored special issue flamingos commemorating the bird's upcoming 50th birthday.
"This could be the end of them, and I wanted to get some," he said.
Smollon shipped the flock home and gave most of the birds to friends. He kept the most valuable ones for himself — those he had autographed by Featherstone during a visit to the retiree's home in Fitchburg, just down the road from Leominster.
Featherstone, who wrote a 1999 book about his creation called "Pink Flamingos: Splendor on the Grass," studied art before Union Products hired him in 1956 to expand a line of lawn ornaments that consisted of two-dimensional renderings of animals. Featherstone sculpted his 3-D flamingos from clay, working from photos of the birds in National Geographic.
The birds typically sell at around $10 for boxed sets of two — one standing nearly 3 feet high with its head held proudly erect, the other bending over as if munching on grass. Their legs consist of spindly metal rods that can be planted in the ground. The Featherstone originals have their creator's signature etched into the bird's plastic rear end.
The ornaments hit the market in the late 1950s when the color pink was in vogue, and America's exploding population of suburbanites sought to add flair to their lawns, said Kevin McCarthy, a retired University of Florida professor and author of several books on Florida's history and culture.
Meanwhile, the state's population was booming, and its tropical mystique rubbed off on the rest of America.
"The flamingo is an icon of Florida, and harkens back to a past when there were wild flamingos in large numbers in south Florida," McCarthy said.
But the birds also came to symbolize bad taste. They became the namesake of the 1972 John Waters film "Pink Flamingos," an epic to excess that celebrated a wide range of perversions. Some residential developments even banned flamingo ornaments from lawns.
The bird also became a target of pranksters, some of whom swiped the ornaments from front yards, took them on the road, and then sent photos to their owners showing the kidnapped birds in front of sights like Paris' Eiffel Tower.
The pink flamingo enjoyed a resurgence in the 1980s with the popularity of the television police show "Miami Vice," whose opening credits featured images of real birds. Today, the flamingo image is found on everything from doormats to swizzle sticks to roadside motel signs.
Featherstone originals remain a top seller in the gift shop at the National Plastics Center, a museum in Leominster that tells the story of the plastics industry both locally and internationally, including the pink flamingo.
"What started out as a fun fad turned into the ultimate in tacky, and evolved into kitsch art on your front lawn," said Marjorie Weiner, the museum's outreach coordinator. "You really can't help but smile when you look at them, and giggle, because they're funny."
Whatever the Featherstone flamingo's fate, Leominster's mayor plans to hold a party celebrating the creation's 50th birthday next June on the Town Common, which he hopes to fill with flamingos. Mazzarella said his city of 46,000 has purchased the rights to the Internet domain name http://www.flamingocity.net in hopes of capitalizing on its legacy.
"I don't think the pink flamingo is dead at all," said the mayor of the city. "But whatever happens, he was born here — that can't be taken away from us."

wow

my pal kristine and i did a little walking this morning. when we parted, she asked me if i had a couple of bucks on me. i offered what i had, a twenty-dollar bill. she said, "that's okay...i only need a couple of bucks." i offered up what change i had ... including the $1.30 her daughter left in my car last week. (sid gave me the money because she has lots of monies and she wanted to share!) i think kristine made off with $2.30 in change.

i figured she was stopping to get a cup of coffee ... so imagine my surprise when she said she was going to the gas station! she bought $2.30 worth of gas ... paying in coins! wow. and i thought i'd seen it all.

found!

i found my driver's license. WOOHOO! no DMV for me this week!

anniversary

joe and i celebrated three fabulous years of marriage by having a day at the spa. we had massages, manicures and pedicures. it was lovely. :-) we also had a delicious dinner at which we consumed a decadent slice of cheesecake. cheesecake is definitely not on the ww plan, but we did share it!

the fun ended this morning. when i smashed my toe in my office ... the accident has left me with a bloody stump of a toenail! not to mention that the incident completely ruined my pedicure!

but i digress. here's to more years of wedded bliss!

driver's license

f. i mis-placed my driver's license. at least i have a spare! :-) but this means another trip to the DMV. i loathe that place.

general malfeasance

who is this woman?
who is the kid in the backseat?
why is she staked out across the street? for over an hour?

this isn't a trailer park, babe!

i may never eat barbeque again

the company i work for used to make an item called "cotton dish mop." it was a handheld brush, if you will, with cotton fibers. (see picture). as indicated by the name, it was to be used as a dish washing implement. that is all.

this item was recently disco'd from the line. since it was disco'd, there have been some requests for it to be brought back. nothing unusual yet.

here's where it gets disgusting. said customers are using it to slap / smother / apply barbeque sauce to meat! this is vile for many reasons, including:

a. little cotton fibers wind up in the sauce
b. the sauce would stain the cotton fibers; how would one clean said implement?

my rep then told me that he's been to barbeque places that use a full-sized cotton deck mop to apply alot of sauce to alot of meat.

i may barf. haven't these people heard of silicone barbeque brushes? no fuzzies and easy to clean!

otherwise known as sheila the great

did anyone else read otherwise known as sheila the great by judy blume when we were growing up?

well, sheila is apparently my new nickname. my new hair stylist, kathleen, referred to me as "sheila" during kristine's entire haircut and color. even when she remindered her that my name is julie ... is julie really that hard to remember?

teddy bear's picnic?

who would leave a teddy bear in a bathroom stall? s/he was sitting on the toilet paper cover dispenser; too high for s/he to have been left by a child.

as seen in stall #2 - cheesecake factory - brea, ca - october 16, 2006 (i just cleaned out the pictures on my phone - which is why the picture kinda sucks - no flash!)

boardwalk farter

kristine and i hit the boardwalk / beach this morning for a little exercise.

all was well until we were on our way back to the car ... we were in front of the crowne plaza (used to be the holiday inn), for those of you who have been to ventura, and we passed this couple who were gazing out at the ocean.

the guy totally farted as we walked by. it was the loudest fart i've heard in a very long time. i looked back and he wouldn't make eye contact ... the woman with him was HORRIFIED.

disgusting oinker.

the ups store

the one in ventura sucks.

they're a UPS store, but they don't stock any UPS shipping supplies, they don't have a late pick-up (the box down the road gets visited by a driver AFTER the store), and you have to pay $10 extra for a saturday pick-up.

i loathe them.

however, i am stuck between a rock and a hard place. if i use fed ex for work, the dollars come out of my regional budget; if i don't, they come out of the corporate budget.

so, i will keep hating them and find another place at which to drop my UPS packages ... as i can assure you i will not set foot in the ventura store again.

quote for the day

"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

hot

it was 90 degrees in camarillo today and almost 80 degrees in ventura.

isn't it the middle of october? where's our fall weather? i'm super tired of shorts. :-(

maybe it'll snow in chicago during my early november trip ... that would be great fun!

starbucks groupies

i'm in a starbucks right now ... killing time before my doctor's appointment. i heart starbucks because they have wireless and i can work and drink coffee.

i do this about 2 x a month. tops.

however, i'm pretty sure that some of the people in this starbucks are here daily ... not just to get coffee (which is totally normal), but to hang out and socialize with the staff.

case in point. there is a 40 something year old woman ... she's not clean and definitely not put together ... she's totally hyper and keeps jumping up to say something clever to the 20-something co-ed staff. it's kinda sad.

attention getting ad!

postcard from malibu tim!

interesting observation from malibu tim re: his recent trip to hong kong ...

HK may refer to "Hello Kitty" rather than "Hong Kong." apparently the country is filled with wall-to-wall Hello Kitty accoutrements!

i think that is fabulous!

bushwhacked

as seen on www.cafepress.com

w = nixon 2.0

[re: w] more corrupt than nixon and not nearly as smart

we've been lied to since birth

just how bad do you have to be to make nixon look good?

unexpected domesticity

i have an adorable sweater that has several crystal-like buttons.

one of them broke while i was in philadelphia. i remembered that it came with a spare and figured i'd take it to the cleaners when i got home for repair.

then i thought ... a button? i think i can handle it.

so, i tried ... and succeeded! the button sewing went so well that i re-did all of the buttons on the sweater because they were getting a little loose.

it's perfect now ... and i did it myself! woohoo!

fabulous saying ...

"i'm sorry, the muffin shop is closed!"

is lola part skunk?

so i'm pretty sure that lola is part skunk.
when she's upset ... and her fur rises on her hind end and neck ... and especially when she barks ... she also farts.

it's so not a coincidence.

stop the madness

whew. no worries.

so i just got an email from the human resources director regarding the company auto insurance policy. apparently, she just realized that my driver's license expired almost 6 months ago and could i please send a copy of the renewed license ASAP as i haven't been covered for the past 6 months.

so ... i doubt she'd get around to dealing with alleged malfeasance during a sales dinner.

human resources nightmare

so just how inappropriate is it for a senior vice president of sales, a regional vice president of sales, a sales manager, and four account managers to play "who'd you do?" and "ABC" at dinner?

"who'd you do" is played by one person naming two people at the office and the rest of the group, in turn, choosing who'd they'd do out of the pair. not pretty, i tell you!

"ABC" is where everyone names their "A," "B," and "C" sex partners - usually celebrities. "A" = the person with whom you'd just have booty calls, "B" = someone you'd totally marry, and "C" is the person you want to shag, but would keep it secret.

wow.

WAL*MART update

i survived.

however, i do have this observation.

given the demographic of the typical wal*mart shopper, self-checkout registers are not a good idea. the pressure is simply too great.

WAL*MART

f. i have to go to wal*mart for a comp shop today. i may die.

recent celebrity sightings ...

william jefferson clinton - philadelphia, pa on 10/05/06

jeremy "you must give me my firebird keys" piven - american flight from ORD to LAX on 10/09/06

i really want to be famous. :-)

pink

in honor of breast cancer awareness month, the city of philadelphia has dyed the famous love fountain pink. it is the most beautiful thing in the city! enjoy!

up

whew. i am up and will not be late to the show. :-) however, i need coffee stat.

ps.

how am i going to get up at 6:30 am EST on a fucking saturday morning after drinking so many martinis? i'm scared.

crazy + 7 apple martinis

holy crap ... it's been a crazy week.

i will debrief as i remember ... i've been indulging in libations every night since i landed in philly.

tonight was no exception. was at a VERY POSH restaurant tonight ... $50 entrees ... had 7 martinis and wrote on a comment card ....

"would like access to souvenir glasses and t-shirts. possibly panties."

we're talking zagat fucking rated and this is the best that my colleagues and i could come up with. bloody brilliant, i tell you.

it's been a wild ride. two more days to go.

jsw - a princess without a country.

ps. thanks to sweet who sent me a text message picture of her mom riding her daughter's train. i almost peed my pants during my "fancy" dinner. gotta love that!

you give some people a badge ...

unbefuckinglievable is the only way to describe memphis airport security and their tsa agents.

so, i've traveled almost every week since the liquid ban and have had NO problems. i've read everything my airline of choice sends me regarding carry-on luggage updates ... and i adhere to the ever-changing guidelines.

apparently, the memphis tsa were on loan from heathrow.

this mean tsa agent roamed up and down the SLOWER THAN MOLASSES line yelling at us about liquids. i didn't really listen because i thought i had it all under control.

she then proceeded to advise that ALL "LEGAL" liquids had to be in a quart sized ziploc-type baggie to pass through security. otherwise it had to be checked.

again ... not heathrow ... USA.

so, i figured, what the hell, jail in memphis might be a good time, so i started in with the questions.

"why are you requiring the baggie? these are domestic flights. liquids under 4 oz. per container are allowed, regardless of receptacle."

to which she replied, "that's just the way it is."

so i gave her my slits and proceeded to dig through my carry-ons ... looking for a spare hello kitty baggie. it may not be quart-sized, but i figured it'd work.

i then remembered that my medications are in a clear plastic pouch ... and even though the zipper is printed with flamingos, it's 99% transparent.

i proceeded to transfer my lip gloss, eye drops, purell and tide to go to the medicine pouch. bitch-face noticed my activities and swarmed right over ... demanding to see what i was doing.

that's really out of line, babe ... i'm OUTSIDE of the sterile area. you can't touch me. :-) i glared and she reached out and tried to GRAB my belongings. to which i asked, "do you need to actually handle my items outside of the search area?"

i figured i was going to jail for sure.

she then asked about the medications ... did i have proper documentation? i offered to pull each and every rx copy for her inspection ... deciding that i was going to kill her with kindness. she declined and handed my property back.

FINALLY, i made it to the front of the line.

i stripped down, put my stuff in bins and walked through.

not one tsa agent even looked at my medication / beauty bag. bitch.

so, i'm on the other side, patience is at a premium, and i'm putting myself back together. my honeymoon necklace was in the same bin as my shoes. it's a very expensive piece of jewelry ... and i'm very careful with it. so, i'm watching the necklace in the bin as i'm tossing my shoes on the ground. without any notice, some old, bald tsa guy grabs the bin, and starts to tilt it in an effort to put it away. my necklace was precariously hanging on for dear life! i lost it. i yelled, "STOP IT...WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" then, in a calmer voice, i advised him that the necklace is not replaceable and that he was not to touch my property again now that it had been cleared by x-ray boy."

i walked away before the cuffs could be produced.

i loathe memphis. there was no burnin' love here today.

hand soap

i just washed my hands in the dallas airport.
it took me about 10 minutes to figure out that the "old man smell" was coming from my freshly washed hands!

why on earth would someone scent soap to smell like an old guy? is unscented soap just too much to ask for?

f. the mini blueberry muffin

mini muffins were made available in the airport lounge this morning. as i only had a yogurt for breakfast this morning, i figured, how bad could a couple of mini blueberry muffins be? they're so little and cute ...

oh how wrong i was! turns out i blew 4 points - about 200 calories - on the little beasts. who knew? they were good, but not that good!

i cringe to think how many calories are in the big blueberry muffins, much less a chocolate chip muffin! F. no more muffins for FG!

sunday night dinner

in honor of my eight day business trip that commences tomorrow, i made a real sunday dinner tonight. it actually started this morning ... i put a roast, carrots, potatoes and onions in the crock pot and turned it on. i even remembered to "sear" the meat before i tossed it in. (okay, i really couldn't remember what i was supposed to do to prep the meat, so i did pound it with a meat doodle first, but quickly remembered that you do that to chicken, not cow.) i really thought joe might cry when he saw that i made dinner.

all was well until we were about 1/2 way through the meal and i smelled something burning. let's just say that the bread i prepared was no longer edible.

all in all, not bad for a julie-cooked meal. :-)

MALFEASANCE

this may be my favorite word ever.
okay, after ubiquitous.

i don't do dishes

"i don't do dishes" is the name of the new nail polish i picked up last week ... (it's by OPI). it's my new mantra ... my feet feel different with this stellar polish applied to my toenails. :-)

the renegade 99 cent only cart is on its way home!

From : Pamela [censored]
Sent : Tuesday, September 26, 2006 9:01 PM
To :
Subject : RE: 99¢ Only Web Site Message

Hi Prncessfsh,
Thank you for contacting our Customer Service Department.
I have now reported the abandoned shopping cart to our District Manager. He will
make arrangments to have the shopping cart picked up.
Again, thank you for letting us know.
99 Thanks,
Pamela

-----Original Message-----
From: prncessfsh@hotmail.com [mailto:prncessfsh@hotmail.com]
Sent: Monday, September 25, 2006 11:32 AM
To: Pamela [censored]
Subject: 99¢ Only Web Site Message
Name : jsw
Email : prncessfsh@hotmail.com
Phone :
Message
----------------------------------
there is a 99 cent only cart in front of my house. i would like it removed.
i've tried calling the store, but after 5 minutes on hold, i hung up.
the address is 6209 cardinal street ventura, ca.
thank you.

found porn

2 tequila bottles in monterey, california

mis-use of company email?

one of our customer service representatives continues to utilize company email to solicit money for her various fundraising committments. this week it's for a run she's in ... last week she was selling tee shirts.

i'm all for charity ... but i think it's way inappropriate to send out group emails (to the entire copmany) asking for donations.

am i wrong?

super sweet

i need this air freshener.

being a grown-up sucks sometimes

once upon a time there was a girl who was obsessed with music. she knew the album drop dates of all of her favorite artists. she rarely missed the concerts of said favorite artists. before the internet, she waited in lines for tickets ... sometimes waking up before the sun to secure the best tickets. she ditched class in college to wait on line in hollywood to meet elton john. she even flew out of state to see tom petty.

this girl has grown up. it's sad, but true. she has lost her grip on the music scene; tom petty and elton john both released new albums within the last few weeks and the girl was clueless.

she despises being a grown-up.

perhaps my favorite greeting card

love this card! too bad it's lost in newman's mailbag somewhere between here and china due to malibu tim's sudden semester at sea course change! thank goodness i had the foresight to scan it before i mailed it!

mystery object

does anyone know what this is?

did i mention ...

that i drove PAST my house on my way home from the airport on tuesday? i was 4 houses away when i realized that i'd gone too far.

i think this means that i need a few days home. too bad i won't be getting them until at least november.

too many airplanes, rental cars and hotels for this girl. suck.

quite the morning

lovely lola poked her eye on something this morning ... as it was pretty puffy and red, i made an appointment with the vet and headed over.

lola has never ridden in the convertible. as only her eye was affected, we walked the 15 minutes to the vet's office.

did we have fun!

first, we got to walk through a prayer circle in front of planned parenthood. while the demonstrators were on the public sidewalk, and exercising their first amendment rights, i still wanted to kick them in the shins.

then we were almost ran down by some old man who was DWD (driving while dead). that was super nice.

in the vet's office, two people tried to befriend us. they were OVER THE TOP. they looked like they'd just finishing doing it in the dirt ... (totally smelled) ... and they had a sick german shepard in a wagon. holy shit. they proceeded to tell me that in addition to the 18 month old daughter they had at home (staying with whom, i was afraid to ask), they have 2 additional hounds, 3 cats, 2 rabbits, and 6 lizards. did i mention that they gave their 3 ferrets (which are illegal in california) away when she got pregnant? fuck.

after the vet (lola is fine ... eye drops for 3 days) ... we walked home. the only drama we encountered is depicted at the beginning of this post ... even the protesters had gone back to church ... so, yea!

what a morning.

bloody marys

how many bloody marys does it take to make a vegetable serving?

hotel hand towels and wash cloths

i have discovered a situation in my garage.

the rag box is overflowing with hotel hand towels and wash cloths. i had no idea i had such a collection ... from time to time i wrap one around my hot curling iron if i have to pack and run. apparently, that has been happening A LOT.

i need to thin out the selection and hope that i haven't been charged for my little habit. does anyone need any rags?

i will be packing a lovely hello kitty hand towel from now on ... i can't keep taking home stinky hotel towels!

airplanes do not have windows

to mr. f-face in 20b:

in case you didn't realize ... airplane windows do not open, thereby prohibiting a continuous flow of fresh air ... so bringing a stinky tuna sandwich on board is really not considerate of your other passengers. wouldn't a pb & j hit the spot just as well?

sincerely,
trying not to hurl in 20c

airplane lavatories

can't one get really sick from drinking the water in airplane lavatories?
if that's true, why would american offer dixie cups in the toilets?

just wondering.

sam hill, part 2

my mom's research has revealed that "sam hill" is synonymous with "hell." that's super nice.

caution - oblivious people traveling

i am so tired of people causing delays through security because they are absolutely incapable of paying attention.

granted the recent liquid ban just that, recent, but you've NEVER been able to walk through a metal detector with METAL in your pockets. duh.

here's my million dollar idea ... if you can't focus and hold up the line because you're oblivious, you are sent to the back of the line. once the public sees that TSA is not f'ing around, perhaps we can all stay focused at the task at hand and move on with our lives.

why is it okay to bbq in one's front yard?

one of our neighbors has redone their front yard to include three tables worth of seating and a really nice bbq.

it's all very lovely ... but why put that stuff in the FRONT yard?

i felt like lola and i were intruding on a garden party tonight when we were out walking.

i don't like it - but i am glad that i'm not next door or across the street from the porch people.

another serving of jet lag, please

the jet lag must have gone to joe's head.

less than 24 hours after returning from his whirlwind european trip, he agreed to letting me redo our room in chocolate and pink.

i can't believe it. just a few days ago we'd settled on an ocean blue color. i think the lack of sleep has gotten to him.

as he's leaving for a week in memphis today, i am going to jump on recent color decision as soon as i return from chicago. :-) life is good.

sam hill

where is sam hill? my mother-in-law always asks us "where in the sam hill have you two been this week?"

curious.

stripes

why do clothing manufacturers continue to make big girl shirts with horizontal stripes? it's going to take a lot more than 30 lbs. for me to go for non-vertical stripage!

ob tampons

how's this for a sales call?

my rep in chicago worked on the ob tampon launch in the 70s. he was about 30 at the time. on calls, he took a plastic vaginal canal, red dyed water, and ob tampons. he DEMONSTRATED, with said canal, how the revolutionary, digitally inserted tampons worked!

my hat is off to mr. jim.

naked merlin

i met a guy named merlin in vegas this week. he uses the same rep i do in the chicago area.

so, he told this great story one night at dinner about why he doesn't sleep naked anymore.

several years ago (he's like 60 and spent the last 40 on the road) he was in denver ... sleeping naked ... and got up in the middle of the night to pee.

he chose the wrong door.

he wound up in the hall, naked, as the door shut and locked behind him.

he stood there until another guest happened by ... that guest went down and got him another key.

i love it!

moving on

this week's vegas scandal is going to remain in the proverbial vault. things only got worse as the days progressed.

what happens in vegas ... stays in vegas

this is my second most scandalous trip to las vegas in my life.

the records of the first are sealed ... but the details of tonight will follow shortly.

holy fuck. did tonight really happen?

i miss malibu tim!

this one's for you, malibu tim!