customer service

have you ever requested the last name of a customer service representative only to be told that they can't give it to you "for safety reasons?" as a consumer, i want something to differentiate between the reps i talk to at a company ... especially when i have had a problem. usually if pressed, the rep will give you an id number or their extension in lieu of their surname.

until today, i was okay with this. there are a lot of psychos out there. however, one of my esteemed friends commented that they SHOULD give you their last name, they have yours (and the rest of your personal information for that matter) after all.

interesting. i'd never thought of it that way.

it's kind of like when seinfeld proposed asking telemarketers for their phone numbers so he could call them during dinner. very profound.

question. what has 7 babies, 1 mullet, 1 pug and a girl in coach?

answer. my flight from denver to los angeles!

that's right, this girl gave up her first class ticket to be subjected to the hells of coach class in an effort to get home early ... she knew she was in for a rough ride, but the horrors of coach were beyond her wildest nightmares! the 7 babies CRIED A LOT, the pug smelled HORRIBLE (kind of like ass), and the mullet ... well, enough said.

if joe hadn't given me the bose noise canceling headphones for christmas, i would have DIED. i kept my nose in my tee shirt for most of the flight. between the stinky formula and the pug, i almost tossed my cookies.

there has to be a more dignified means of transportation. this may be the end of me. anyone who thinks business travel is glamorous has not traveled enough!

am i over candy?

i LOVE candy. any kind. chocolate, licorice, candy hearts, pez, etc. in fact, when i was in junior high, my friend michelle and i used to "borrow" the coins in the fountains at the local hotel to buy candy on the way home. i've always loved it.

until now. something's happened to me. i ate one creme egg last night and almost threw up. i have some peanut butter m&ms in my carry-on, but i'm just not interested. is it possible that i've outgrown candy? or have aliens finally taken over my body and are going to force me back down to a size 12?

if anyone wants the remaining 3 creme eggs, please advise. same goes for the peanut butter m&ms.

accident!

note to self:

NEVER make fun of a rental car prior to turning it in. its feelings might get hurt and the brakes might not work as well when you need them.

this happened to me today. i plowed into the back of a toyota prius. it would have been so perfect if it'd been a camry ... then it would have been the camry's fault, no matter what. but i digress.

no injuries to the drivers, no damage to the cars. should have just been able to walk away, but no, the boulder police (couldn't stop thinking of cartman and his mirrored glasses saying "respect my authority!") were right behind me and pulled us over. nice. 40 minutes of paperwork and we were on our merry way.

i do have to thank my boss and human resources, whom i called as protocol dictates, for being so fabulous. my boss wanted to make sure i wasn't too traumatized to work and offered to have me fly home early ... human resources advised to put any potential charges from hertz on my american express and expense them. very nice.

question.

does putting a spoiler on a ford taurus really make it "cooler?" i can attest that it hasn't make me feel any more fabulous as i drive around denver. :-)

airport security

airport security is not a game.
it's is there to make sure flying is as safe as possible.
if you choose to purchase an airline ticket and then would like to use it, you will go through airport security at some point. it is part of airline travel. period.

whining that you don't want to go through, take off your shoes / sweater, have someone go through your bag, ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING. it's the way it is. if you don't like it, don't fly.

i was behind the most clueless people today in the security line. one woman actually said, "i don't want to show you my ID. the picture is HORRIBLE." if it's that bad, pay the $25 and GET A NEW ONE. just get out of my way.

how busy are we really?

is everyone so bloody busy that it's impossible to slow down for two seconds and acknowledge a birthday, anniversary, promotion, or any other important event in someone's life ... even if it doesn't directly impact our own? i think it's inexcusable.

old

it happened overnight; i am old.

at the ripe old age of 32 i tend to wear "comfortable" shoes, am in bed by 10 pm, have a disturbed ulnar nerve, my contacts dry out after 12 hours of wear, and i take naps.

this sucks. i want to be 25 again.

harassed

to my local audi dealer:

isn't it enough that i leased an overpriced audi from your dealership? my payments are never late; i take amazing care of my car; i drive topless often; and i speak POSITIVELY about your dealership often. i would send my mom to buy a car from you ... you are that fabulous.

i think that's enough. i'm holding up my end of the bargain ... so STOP PUTTING A DEALER LICENSE PLATE FRAME ON MY CAR WHEN I GET SERVICE. the previous frames didn't fall off of my car ... i removed them, ON PURPOSE. yes, even i know how to use a phillips head screwdriver!

the car is 16 months old. i'm tired of unscrewing the license plate frames. i think i'm going to remove the screws and glue the plate directly on the car. you don't want that. it'll be ugly when i turn in the lease.

give it up. i won't give you daily free advertising. ever.

a4 cabriolet enthusiast

it would have been best for everyone if you'd just left it in your pants

well, i have definitely seen it all.

on my very DELAYED flight from DFW to LAX on sunday, a guy in coach decided that it was appropriate to whip out his unit and pleasure himself in his seat! question. why didn't the flight crew just handcuff him?

what is this world coming to? i hope he enjoyed his night in the pokey!

everything is bigger in tex-ass

you know what they say, everything is bigger in tex-ass.

this saying hit me square in the face tonight as i sit, delayed at least six combined hours in houston and dallas. thunderstorms.

everything is bigger here ... storms, drama, and gate agent's attitudes. why can't i get stranded somewhere cool; somewhere i would like to be delayed overnight, like paris? why can't people in tex-ass just be nice?? the gate agents here have been truly terrible; they have given me a run for my money!

let's keep our fingers crossed that i get out tonight. otherwise i'm here for another 12 hours. joy. and i chose this trip to check my toiletries. blast.

tradeshows still suck

apparently, my recent promotion to VP is not enough to get me out of tradeshows. in fact, due to my geography change, i am going to more than ever!!! i don't mind showing up, but the 10 - 11 hours a day of selling has got to end. and there are mean people everywhere. like the guy today that told me my toilet bowl brushes suck. that was problematic for two reasons. a. it was a big fat reminder that i went from selling greeting cards to toilet bowl brushes and b. he was totally outerlimits and i had to be nice. me. the queen of drama had to keep her big mouth shut and listen to this guy bitch. tons o' fun. i must find a way out of this mess.

this is a hotel, not a frat house

yesterday / last night was terrible. TSA held on to my bag at LAX for 7 hours before releasing it for the flight to IAH. to me this meant i didn't get my luggage until 3 am local time. i think it totally has something to do with me being in this red state of tex-ass.

so, after my bag was delivered, i settled back into bed to enjoy 3 more hours of sleep. until this time, the hotel had been silent. i did not anticipate any drama.

until my neighbors decided to come home, obviously intoxicated, at 4:30 am!!! peace and quiet flew out of the 10th story window!

i banged on the door that would be a pass-through if we had signed up for adjoining rooms, and they were so out of it, they started yelling that someone was trying to break in and rob them. nice.

so i did what every reasonable hotel patron in this situation should do. i called their room, posed as a member of the hotel management staff, and advised that several noise complaints had been received regarding their drunken and disorderly behavior. i further advised that one more complaint would land them on the street.

peace and quiet quickly reigned.

note: in a "party" town, such as vegas, measures such as the ones mentioned above would not be taken.

"reply to all"

note to all who use email.

the "reply to all" option should be used ONCE IN A WHILE. this is especially true when at work.

yesterday, a group email was sent to everyone at the company for which i work advising that one of the warehouse managers was retiring. i had no fewer than 30 "well wishes" emails to the future retiree ... all of which i simply deleted. it's lovely that everyone loves bob, but why do i need to be included? this made my usual 100+ emails a day go to 130 emails ... something i did not appreciate!!

interesting article regarding customer service

interesting reading as i am holding for a supervisor at fed ex ... they've really fucked up this time ....

"Biz Buzz: Shoppers unashamed to bad-mouth retailers

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Attention retailers: Pamper those customers, or else.
More than 50 percent of Americans say a negative shopping experience of a friend or colleague will prevent them from setting foot in a store, according to a study by Verde Group and the Baker Retailing Initiative at Wharton School. About 50 percent of consumers have had a poor shopping experience, and 31 percent tell one or more of their friends -- the average is four.
The survey represented 1,200 responses from U.S. consumers who made purchases worth less than $2,500 during the four weeks leading up to Christmas, with the average purchase price at $163. Typical problems were slow lines, trouble finding products, staff that didn't know the product or lacked courtesy and trouble finding parking,
"This study is unlike anything we've seen before because it shows that for every 100 American shoppers, 64 people will be told about a store's poor products or services and no matter what the store does to entice shoppers, these people will not set foot in their store," says Paula Courtney, president of Verde Group.
Remember when Oprah Winfrey had a bad shopping experience at Hermes in Paris? She told the world about it. "

as printed in the star ledger in nj

pee pee mints

i have learned that it is NEVER a good idea to put out unwrapped candy in a public area. just think about how many people that use the toilet ... don't wash their hands and then have the audacity to dip their germ-laden paws in the candy, completely disregarding the spoon provided to keep the remainder of the candy germ-free. VILE. my sister calls this phenomenon the creation of "pee pee mints."

take the time to say thank you

my mom raised me to write thank you notes. this was enforced throughout my "ticktocker" experience. (more on that later!) i was taught to take the time to thank people for the things they do for and / or give to you.

this maybe the best lesson i ever learned.

tonight, before a sales meeting, i had a rep come up to me and thank me profusely for taking the time to write him a thank you note for putting up my booth and helping at a recent trade show. he mentioned that he's been in sales for over 20 years and this is the first thank you note he has ever received.

wow. that note took a few minutes out of my life and positively impacted a relationship more than i ever would have dreamed.

we all need to learn how to say thank you. life is too hard without the "good stuff."

why i heart traveling, by jaws

the following is an excerpt from an email i sent to my beloved husband last night as i was on a flight from dallas to chicago.

"Okay, so we're still on the tarmac in dallas.. they announced one hour ago that the plane was broken and needed repaired. i couldn't take it any more. i calmly pressed my flight attendant button, and when she got here i asked, "it's been one hour. i believe we are entitled to an update." she advised what they knew at that point, which really didn't indicate when we would be set free, but said she would check with the captain. two seconds later, we had an update! i am convinced that they will not update you until one of the passengers demands it! i am happy to provide that service for my fellow passengers...i also advised the FA that if it was much longer i would require a beverage, or I might get fussy. i love to travel!"

ps. we were given up to two free alcoholic beverages once the plane took off. i guess she was afraid of experiencing fussy jaws.

job applications & resumes

before finishing high school, everyone should be taught how to fill out a job application and / or create a resume, as well as learn how to interview.

at lunch in tex-ass the other day, i overheard (what, me eavesdropping!?!) some guys talking about the hiring process they are going through for their restaurant.

one of the guys interviewed a 19-year-old guy who listed "fired" as the reasons for leaving the 3 jobs he's ever had.

when the guy asked the interviewee to explain why he got fired he was brutally honest. too honest.

apparently, he got fired from red robin for eating cheese out of the big vats in the cooler. (k - remind you of anything we did in our youth?) he got fired from wal*mart for almost driving a cart, on which he was riding, into an elderly lady (k - again, does that sound familiar?), and finally, he was fired from sam's club because they found out about the cart incident at wal*mart.

if anyone had taken the time to teach this kid how to spin the bad things that happen in your life, he may have had a shot.

i am the perfect example of what a good spin doctor can do. :-)

time warp

learned a couple of tricks while in dallas. (and this has nothing to do with my first gay bar experience!)

a. how to balance a checkbook. this was really a "re-learn" situation, but i had to balance a checkbook nonetheless. i may not like this vp business.

b. how to use the memory function on a calculator. i had to add up a warehouse order for a customer ... and didn't have a laptop set up with excel (um, hello, that should have been handled, but this is somewhat of a retro show - paper order forms, etc.) ... so it was taking FOREVER for me to add up the order. my rep, who's about 65, showed me the wonders of the memory function on a calculator. i NEVER knew what those buttons were for. wow.

this has been a really productive trip!

i flew from dallas to chicago last night. this feels more like home to me. i LOVE chicago.

what i learned in the dallas airport

it is possible to fly without presenting identification.
the "extra" security consists of a little pat-down and a bag search.
makes me feel really safe.

ps. i was not the one who lost her identification. it was my new boss. he had quite a day. lost his license after he spilled coffee all over my pants on the way to an appointment. bad. very bad. tide-to-go to the rescue!

silver lining

well, that didn't take long.

i just watched 30 minutes of judge judy. suddenly my life feels perfect again.

one guy sued his former mother-in-law for burning his clothes on the front lawn because he broke up with her daughter. the couple and their kid lived with the mom-in-law. nice.

the next case was a mom who was suing her daughter for the $2K she lent her to bail her son out of jail. super nice.

i signed up for this?

i'm at my third tradeshow in two weeks, in tex-ass, no less. i have this one and two more to survive over the next 11 days. this is a rock star schedule as far as i'm concerned. oh, and without the $$ and groupies.

in the next 11 days i'll be home for 36 hours. this really sucks.

the aforementioned tradeshows are being held in such hotspots as orlando, san jose, dallas, chicago and houston. what sucks even more is that while i'm sweating my ass off in tex-ass, my husband is going to the uk, warsaw and milan. there is absofuckinglutely no justice. none. i'm surrounded by hicks and he's living the high life in europe.

i'm desperately trying to find a silver lining. i'm not home, my dog hates me, my husband is on an exotic business trip, and i'm having dinner at the grassy fucking knoll. nice. dinner with a view of where kennedy died. really fucking nice.

silver lining ... thinking ... thinking ... can't think of one now.

i'm going to regress now. play a little gameboy before my dinner with some stuffy executives. woofuckinghoo.

my new idol

check this out ...

http://www.the39dollarexperiment.com/

this guy is great! oh to have this much time on one's hands!

times ... they are a changin'

tee shirt seen on guy at restaurant in pleasanton, ca ...

"i'm blogging your mind."

and to think, when i was in high school ... we didn't even have the internet. somedays i really feel old.

we don't care about your cats, ladies ...

kim and i worked a tradeshow in the bay area this past weekend. (she is the BEST sister in the world) and we had the supreme opportunity to rub elbows with some of the state's finest.

for example, two women came up to our booth to inquire if the microfiber items we were featuring would pick up pet hair. "of course," we replied, and then to our astonishment, the two women started telling us about their cats. DANGER! DANGER! we couldn't run, we were working in the booth ... held prisoner. so, we had no choice to listen to how these women torture their beloved pets.

apparently, they have two LONG haired cats. which they SHAVE because the fur is so unruly. at this point, i'm surprised and feel sorry for the cats, but i'm not shocked yet. the shock and awe came when one of the women advised that they sell a special CAT SHAVING RAZOR at Wal*Mart. i'd like to meet the guy that invented that contraption ... an invention that sends a shudder through cats everywhere.

Wal*Mart's stock just took another nose dive in the jaws stock market, as did the residents of the bay area. if you can't care for the long haired cat, then don't buy / adopt the long haired cat!!!!

tiaras

at what age is a tiara no longer cute and adorable atop a girl's head?
is 30-something really too old?
i say no! if one wants to wear a tiara, then one should. period.

who names cars???

so i'm driving a pontiac vibe this weekend.

how do these names get past the marketing department?

perhaps "pocket rocket" was just a little too far over the line and the "vibe" was a close 2nd.

who knows?

burger king gets flame broiled!

true story. burger king in oxnard, ca was on fire this morning around 5:30 am. it was flame broiling itself! very bizarre!

please note:. i'm on a ghetto computer at a marriott property in the bay area. the settings suck ass so i'm not sure what my font / color will look like. may have to update later. i hate being "on the ghetto."

if the plane won't wait for me ...

the struggling airlines continue to make my day

i made it to the airport on time this morning, in plenty of time, as a matter of fact. i braved a bad-ass storm, drove past 5 accidents, even called 911 for a spun-out taxi, and still made it to the gate on time. am i superwoman? did i speed? no. i am just a good manager of my time.

can the pilot say the same? i think not.

the passengers of flight 3193 had the awesome privilege of waiting at the gate for the tardy pilot. for 45 minutes, no less. when the total flight time is only 53 minutes, that really blows.

i guess i know my place in the mind of the airlines ...

you know you travel too much when ...

the guard at the hertz guard shack recognizes you BEFORE you hand over your license.

oh my hell.

whatever mama wants ... mama gets

a car in front of me had this to say on her license plate frame.

gotta love it.

mail and the personal assistant

mailbu tim - are you still up to the task of being my PA? this is the pile of mail that was waiting for me when i got back after 5 mail days in orlando.

there is nothing more exciting that opening up a sample of a new sponge, dust pan or toilet brush.

please advise.

love,
jsw

jury duty

i have completed my civil service.
jury duty is over.

however, today's contestants were a FREAK SHOW!

present were the following people:

• one chronic belcher (nice)
• one chronic cougher ... who was projectile spitting
• two snorers
• a psycho sitting next to me who would NOT SHUT UP about her stupid art class
• a knitter - who became an ex-knitter when they seized her knitting needles (don't even get me started on the knitting needles...)
• a dvd watcher who didn't own headphones (and I can't use my cell phone in the waiting area because it might bother people???) i did lodge a complaint regarding the hypocrisy of "the rules"
• a guy who yelled "gloom and despair" instead of present when called for the first, and only, panel. nice. really nice.

so we made it through lunch without one panel call.

then ... at 2:30 pm ... 50 people were called. yours truly was one of the lucky prospective jurors selected for a MISDEMEANOR CHARGE. fabulous waste of time, people. (thank goodness i remembered my new last name ... i was listening for my maiden name! oops!)

i was juror #2. i got to sit in the box and EVERYTHING!

notate the was.

i gave my riveting soliloquy regarding my name, where i work, what i do, etc. (i LOVE this part ... all about me!) ... and when asked if serving on said jury would constitute a hardship for me and / or my family, i replied, "no, your honor. my job would pay for me to be here. however, i do have a scheduling conflict regarding the 5 tradeshows in the next 3 weeks at which i have a leading role." i did stress that tradeshow scheduling is not done by me like a client meeting. being the reasonable man that he is, he concurred.

i then offered up my schedule and plane tickets, which were not accepted into evidence, total bummer, and with a "wow, you have a rough job," i was excused.

i am free, i don't have to worry about jury duty for another year, however, after hearing the charges and meeting the defendant, i really have to ask myself, could i have been fair? could i put aside everything i believe re: her charge and how wrong it is, how hurtful, and truly listen to the facts presented, denounce my own prejudices and offer a fair verdict? i really don't know.

i now have at least 12 months to ponder these questions ...