doesn't play well with others

so what if i sing while i workout on the treadmill ... i never claimed to be a grammy winning singer, or even know how to sing on key. but recording my songs without my consent and then making fun of me is down right mean mr. joe. remember ... i know where you sleep and you sleep like a rock.

the 175+ sharpie salute

the weekend is over and we're still not done cleaning

if we kept up the same pace as we did this weekend, we would have the entire house cleaned out by flag day. we have that MUCH stuff ...(stopped counting at 175 sharpies) ... and i've only lived here for 5 years.

the real bummer is that it was a gorgeous weekend ... i couldn't stand it any more today ... i shirked my cleaning responsibilities and laid in the sun for 2 hours.

sometimes i miss my pre-house life.

happy memorial day!

just when i thought it couldn't get any worse

i thought i had organized and put away the last of the office supplies this morning.

until a few minutes ago when joe presented me with TWO more boxes of paper and pens that he'd found in the garage.

thank goodness my good friend has just opened a scrapbook house ... i feel a rather large donation coming on.

i may need help.

office supplies

i could start my own office supply store with the myriad of supplies i have unearthed. it is quite possible that i may not have to buy another paperclip for the rest of my life.

the first step is admitting i have a problem. i, jaws, am addicted to office supplies.

pez & beanie babies

so the cleaning continues.

i found over 100 pez and about 100 beanie babies in the dark, mysterious guest room closet. holy shit. let's not even discuss handbags and totes. much less t-shirts.

the beanie babies will be saved for nieces ... or the highest bidder. any takers? oh, i wonder if i could donate them to a women's shelter or hospital for kids. that would be the best use for them! must research ...

the pez are not going anywhere. the hello kitty and smurfs are my favorite.

can't wait to locate the swatch watch collection. thank goodness i've already dismantled the shot glass collection.

is there a collector's anonymous? i am my father's daughter.

microfiber

my darling husband is making me clean the house this weekend. well, more like organize and clean out ... i don't really "clean," per se.

anyway, i did find myself in a position that require some dusting today. it was really thick. ew. so i grabbed a microfiber towel and went for it. even though i sell this product everyday, i had never used it on a really dusty surface. viola! the dust was trapped by the cloth as i swept it across the bookshelf and didn't fall on the floor! amazing!

if you don't use microfiber for cleaning now ... i would consider a change.

lazy and / or dumb ass = fat ass

i may be the laziest beast in the world.

i hurt my back last fall and the exercise has trailed off since then because it hurt. since i loathe exercising, it was a real convenient excuse not to get my fat ass off of the couch.

well, six months later, my back still hurts. well, it did until last sunday. for the past 5 days, i've done 20 minutes on the treadmill each day; that's all. and woohoo, no more back pain. it was tough the first two days, but once i worked through the pain, it was okay. seriously, i feel like a new person.

so, lesson learned. sitting on the couch is NEVER a good idea. especially when i have a treadmill in my house.

however, it's only week one. can't lose steam. must keep going. must lose weight. this girl is done being a fat ass.

ps. i've also stopped driving through fast food restaurants to obtain food. also a very bad idea.

home office decorum

note to all home office dwellers:

spend the $$ and get a dedicated phone line OR only give out your cell phone number. no one wants to hear barb - a 2 pack a day smoker with a cough - yell out "darrel, there's a jaws on the phone from company x. are you available to talk?" now, in this instance, this guy works for me ... so it's even more disturbing and not a fun conversation to have after barb hands the phone over.

also, don't flush until you've hung up the phone.

jaws

allergist

interviewed an allergist today.

sign in the waiting room stated, "no perfume or cologne please." makes sense, right? those items can trigger some people's allergies.

so then why is it okay for there to be fresh flowers ... ?

my ass still hurts

joe joined me for a trade show in santa clara this weekend. WOOHOO! despite working all weekend, we had a pretty good time ... except for the fact that my back and ass still HURT. we've traced the culprit to the dilapidated chairs each booth was assigned by the convention center. they were so bad that we had to add our own personal touch to them in an effort to survive. we would have chucked them all together, but the floor was concrete; no carpet and definitely no padding. standing 7 hours per day was not an option. :-)

what did i do to deserve this?

that's two, count 'em, two camry rental cars in the span of about 6 weeks. nice. really nice. today's camry is a LOVELY shade of light brown poop. if i had to choose, i'd take the powder blue one i had in houston.

sir, wouldn't it be better to perform that task in the privacy of your own home?

ew. this guy was clipping his nails in the terminal and letting the nail shards litter the floor. i almost puked. he was so into his project that he didn't even look up when i took the picture ... flash and all.

ps. re: golf

there are very few hello kitty golf accessories. so, that sucks a little bit.

i have to golf?

when i was offer the promotion to vp i took it without thinking about much beyond the pay increase. and the fact that i made vp before i was 35.

so, i've adjusted to the longer hours, more flights and a lot more marriott accomodations. (especially since i get to stay in nicer places and drive better cars!) i'm dealing with being a hell of a lot more accountable than i ever have been before. i'm almost okay with having to make decisions that affect a lot of people all day long. i'm about halfway to okay with the ceo of the company asking me for my opinion. so, in short, i was feeling pretty good about the job.

until yesterday. apparently i have to participate in GOLF tournaments. that's right. me. GOLFING. i guess my dad knew what i was in for when he gave me clubs a couple of weeks ago. duh, jaws.

so, i have to do what i have to do. i'm trying to psych myself up thinking about the new shoes, new clothes, and accessories that i will HAVE to have for the new sport. i'll be golfing with customers 5-6 times a year. apparently at the last tournament my boss went to they got FREE SHOES. maybe this won't be so bad ... oh and drinking is encouraged while golfing (remember, i'm in sales) ... i hope they have martinis!

illinois tollway - take a lesson from the french!

so this is nice.

during my 36 hour trip to chicago i had to blow through two tollbooths. why, you might ask? because i didn't have enough change.

this is the most fucked up system i've ever seen. they're too cheap to person the booths so change may be made, nevermind the receipts needed for this businesswoman's expense report ... so they leave the booths unpersoned and THEY ONLY ACCEPT CHANGE. (note, you may purchase a "pass," but that is unavailable to use car renters - um, hello, AVIS & HERTZ - money making opportunity here) ... but i digress.

if you don't have change, you have to call a "violations" hotline. as if i have the time to fucking deal with this. so really, if this process takes me 30 minutes to "clear" myself, i'm really out several bucks plus the $1.60 in tolls. that's really nice. i'd let it go, but this one time, california tracked me down through hertz when i drove through the wrong lane on the golden gate bridge. they will find you.

so, listen up illinois ... take a lesson from the french ... tolls booths do not have to be personed, but put in a fucking credit card reader and receipt printer. it may be the midwest, but it's not the middle of fucking des moines.

unauthorized access into the ladies' room

after 17 days of blissful travel-free days, i'm back at lax.

first stop, admiral's club for a little potty break. this morning, the security of the ladies' room was compromised by a 40-something gentleman ... sir, if the sign on the door (which included a picture and braille in case english isn't your first language) didn't clue you into the fact that you were in the wrong bathroom, then the tampon machine on the wall should have! that is not a candy dispenser! also ... perhaps the lack of urinals would also give you a clue. and if all else fails, the shriek of the little old lady from pasadena should have given you pause. i hope you enjoyed your view of how the other half potties.

second stop, seat 20D.

ciao!

drunken peeps tips

make sure the vodka and white chocolate liqueur are ice cold or the drink tastes like ass.

also, if you are going to eat the drunken peep whole by slurping it out of your glass, be careful ... there is NO going back.

cheers.
jaws

shellshocked

i was shocked by lola's electric fence this morning.

the neighbor's dogs were being very unruly, and like other times when they've barked incessantly, i got up on a step stool and told them to shut their pie holes. however, my foothold was not steady this morning and it was either grab the electric fence or fall to my death. i chose the electric fence. holy shit.

i'm tired of the continued malfeasance of my neighbor's dogs. i do wonder when they'll ask where all of the new dog toys have come from ...

pepe comes home!

introducing Pepe the Marlin!

my maternal grandfather caught Pepe in the 60's off of the coast of Cabo San Lucas. Pepe is part of my childhood memories of my grandparents house ... so when my grandfather passed away, I inherited him. however, due to living in apartments and now a fairly small house, Pepe has been living in my dad's storage unit for the past 5 years.

but now he's home ... much to my husband's chagrin ...

totally the best husband ever!

not many people will indulge my obsessive need to shop ... especially when i don't really need anything. however, my lovely husband outdid himself last night ... he went to a shopping event, which was at least 95% women, 80% of which were crustaceans, and never once complained. he simply let me shop. to my little heart's desire. okay, i did buy him chocolate before and frosty beverages and snacks were provided at the event, but really ... NO complaining? i heart him.

over the top?

i just entered lola in the old navy search for magic dog sweepstakes.

i may have lost my mind.

birthday celebration - part 6

another fabulous jaws family birthday event!

fun was had by all at a little grass shack in claremont ... aside from spending time with the family, the highlights were the pink lemonade martinis and the hello kitty birthday cake! kim and i will never be too old for a hello kitty birthday cake!

update re: reward post on 5.04.2006

the house phone is still lost, however, we purchased a new phone tonight as the remaining handset has been so loved that the "6" key sticks. i took it as a sign that i needed new equipment.

on a side note, during the phone acquisition trip the birthday video camera was secured. funny story. so we decided on a camera and asked the clerk at fry's (who works on commission) to bring out said camera...he made his way into the stockroom and returned empty handed. apparently, sony has disco'd the model we wanted. he offered us the floor model (ew) and advised us to look at sony.com.

i felt very dismissed. we were looking to drop a couple thousand at fry's and this guy is too busy socializing with this colleagues to show us other options!?!

so i took the only jaws option possible. i demanded to see the store manager. he was very apologetic and took us back to the video camera department, where we were then treated like royalty. turns out that the lazy JA that advised us that the camera was disco'd could have also advised that for a mere $25 we could have the NEXT VERSION of the same camera, but instead, he lost the sale. i hope he's fired.

so ... the camera is charging now. look out world!

birthday celebration - part 5

the trip to LOLA'S has been rescheduled for saturday, may 27th.

birthday celebration - part 4

a triumphent return to disneyland was made today! it's been 5 years since i visited the "happiest place on earth." it was a lovely way to spend a day with my BFF and her little girl.

apart from battling los angeles traffic, the trip was a success! the longest we waited for any ride was a mere 25 minutes!

and now for the philosophical part of the post.

it's amazing how different disneyland is from an adult's perspective. a. the magic is totally gone. b. how does disneyland get away with the stereotypes in it's a small world, the drug smoking caterpillar on alice in wonderland, getting put in a cage on pinocchio and the hell scene on mr. toad's wild ride? i rode those rides a hundred times when i was a kid and i turned out okay, but if i were a parent i think i would think twice before taking my kids on them. c. it made me sick to watch the disney princess parade with the beautiful skinny, heterosexual and white princesses who are only happy after they marry their prince charming, who by the way is attractive and wealthy. (princess jasmine and mulan, the token princesses of color, were not included in the parade.) why aren't there movies called ariel goes to harvard? or belle buys her own diamond and new house? is how aurora and cinderella fell in love just too much for society? oh and my personal favorite, why are the bad women always fat and ugly? and are they really bad? or just aggressive? is it any wonder that so many little girls grow up into uneducated and bulimic golddiggers?

is my doctor trying to kill me?

for the past 6 months i have been taking fish oil supplements, per my GP's advice. she KNOWS that i'm allergic to fish, but she said i would be okay.

it finally dawned on me yesterday and i've had swollen and severely chapped lips, as well as full body itching for the past 6 months. coincidence? i think not. it is a conspiracy.

my GP could not be reached for comment as she is on a 2 week holiday in new zealand.

next stop, allergist. second stop, find a new GP.

reward!

i am missing one of our cordless house phones. i've looked everywhere. i'm offering $20 and alcoholic beverages for its safe return.

jackass

somehow i missed my never opened pee wee's big adventure dvd on our media shelf. joe discovered it AFTER i opened my new birthday copy. the duplicate will be given to my friend's little girl for another generation's enjoyment.

look out k, s may become quite a pee wee fan.

birthday celebration - part 3

joe and i enjoyed a lovely dinner at marie callendar's on my birthday. it was almost like the days of the free dinner at denny's; i had a coupon and everything! we followed up dinner with a very productive trip to target. this is what happens when birthdays fall on school nights! :-) it was a fabulous evening. - next stops ... disneyland on friday, lola's for martinis and dinner on saturday night and dinner with my dad's side of the family on sunday!

for k

photo entitled - "yummy, i just love girl scout cookies."
photo entitled - "this one time, at girl scout camp..."

pee wee's big adventure

this spectacular movie was part of my husband's prizes for me.

my birthday is a success. :-)

happy birthday to me.

"over and out, dot butler."

it looks like we have a winner!

the attached card was given to me by two very special people for my birthday! not only is it the perfect card for me, i gave the identical card to my sister-in-law for her birthday in march. weird coincidence, huh? thank you to a & k for such a fabulous card! ps. this did happen to me once before. my parents gave me the same high school graduation card. :-)

birthday celebration - part 2

the next wave of celebration took place at mimi's this morning for a little breakfast with k & s. had a great time! while the food and company were phenomenal, the highlight was my "aunt birthday" card with an "awesome aunt" sticker for me to wear! thanks, s!

peeps are available 365 days a year!

this just in! yeah!

"Dear Ms. [jaws],

We received your recent e-mail message from www.marshmallowpeeps.com.

Our PEEPS® Chicks and Bunnies are available only during the Easter season. Unfortunately, at this time we do not have the appropriate means to sell directly to consumers. We realize the demand for doing so and are looking into the possibilities for the future.

Dylan's Candy Bar located at 1011 Third Avenue in New York City does offer our Easter PEEPS year-round. They deliver anywhere in the United States and have no minimum order requirement. For additional information or to place an order, call Dylan's at 646-735-0078 or check them out on the web at www.dylanscandybar.com. note: i checked ... they sell a tower of peeps - two 5 peep trays of each color for $9.99!

Thank you for your interest in MARSHMALLOW PEEPS®.

Regards,

Just Born, Inc.
Consumer Relations Department

<<<<>>>>
hi is there any way i can order peeps any color online? there is a GREAT
martini recipe that calls for peeps and i want to make them for an upcoming
party but don t have any peeps left"

i just don't give texans enough credit

this here is some good plannin', ya'll! photo taken on LOVERS LANE in dallas, texas last week.

and i was dangerous before?

the world is about to experience a whole new level of julie.

joe is presenting me with a video camera for my birthday.

i can only imagine the possibilities and ask myself, why has it taken me so bloody long to get a video camera?

thanks, fred

as always, i was offered carry-out service at my local vons today. and, as unusual, i declined. however, fred, courtesy clerk extraordinaire, INSISTED that he help me to my car as he "needed to get outside."

so i obliged. it was bizarre. i really felt old. especially when he addressed me as ma'am and told me what a cool car i drive and that if he could afford it, he'd buy a car like mine. super nice.

i'd really like to know when the hell this happened. next thing you know i'll be driving my caddy to the 4:30 early bird special. just call me mrs. seinfeld. i wonder if they still do free birthday dinners at denny's ... joe - get my cane, we're going to supper!

white chocolate martinis with drunken peeps

this is a must try recipe!

white chocolate martinis with drunken peeps

2 ounces vodka
2 ounces Godiva White Chocolate Liqueur
1 drunken peep

to make the drunken peeps, swim colored peeps in vodka for a few hours before planning to serve

shake Godiva liqueur in a cocktail shaker with ice. pour into a martini glass. float a drunken peep on the martini and serve.