559 miles

my route to flagstaff was not direct ... i flew into phoenix last tuesday and drove to flagstaff on wednesday. it's about a 2 hour drive.

i think i'm so smart. i canceled my flight from phoenix to burbank and figured it'd be easier to drive home. on paper, it made sense.

2 hours flag to phx + 2 hours at airport + 1 hour flight + 0.5 hour to pee and collect baggage + 0.5 hour in the valet line + 1 hour to ventura = 7 hours. it takes about 7.5 to drive home from flagstaff. a wash, right?

not so much.

the drive is less than scenic. if you've seen one pile of sand, you've seen 'em all. same goes for burned out gas stations & mini marts. definitely goes for trailer parks. it was brutal. coupled with thunder, lightning and flash floods from flagstaff to kingman, it was a real hoot. okay, it was totally fun when i hit orange cones (on purpose) at 89 mph. especially in the gold taurus rental car.

did i mention that the only radio stations are for rednecks and jesus freaks?

i did know one thing ... i certainly didn't want to get a ticket ... and since i was bleeding out of my eyes with boredom, it was pretty much guaranteed that i was going to drive triple digits to get home. since 100+ can land you in jail, i set the cruise control at 19 miles over the speed limit ... totally worked!

everything was fine until kelbaker road on I-40.

i rolled up on a complete traffic standstill.
people were peeing in the center divider ... a sure sign that they'd been there a LONG time.

i have little to no patience. so i called CHP.
i quickly learned that there was a wreck and that the 40 had been closed west bound for 90 minutes.

90 minutes? i kinda freaked out.

i asked the CHP guy how much longer? what if i had to pee? i wasn't going in the center divider. could they put up a scoreboard of sorts to advise of the situation?

i had stepped over the line. ponch lost his patience with me. and i quote, "ma'am, you will need to get back into your car and wait, patiently. we're doing all that we can."

FUCK.

lucky for me ... it was only a 20 minute further delay.

then all was well again for another 100 miles. that's when i realized i was almost out of gas and that i hadn't seen a gas station on I-58 in a while. this is where my inability to pay attention doesn't pay off.

thank goodness for hertz neverlost. i searched for the closest gas station ... however, it was back in fucking barstow.

having no choice, i turned around. dukes of hazzard style ... quick and in a huge dust cloud.

i was so scared of running out of gas that i turned off the "my wife left me and i ran over my dog with my 18 wheeler" music and the ac and drove like a maniac back to barstow.

i made it to the gas station with 9 miles on the tank to spare. whew.

with a full tank of gas i continued towards the coast.

the ordeal took 8 hours. i am hiring a driver the next time. period. this girl needs her ipod and naps on demand.