a dark cloud of ick

joe and i rushed to the fair last night to see if any of my photos had becoming prize-winning.

i got nothing. well, except my "special olympics" ribbon for participating. woofuckinghoo.

i'm down for 2009. i must have one blue ribbon in my repertoire.

as heard on our home voicemail yesterday

"quoted and monitored.
i [computer] have a collect call from
'bob calling for amber,'
an inmate at ironwood state prison in blythe, ca

to accept dial or say 5
to refuse simply hang up."

can't make this stuff up.

ps. mom and kim - remember how many times we've stopped at that mcdonald's in blythe?

again, you can take the girl out of the trailer park ...

okay, so last week, in chicago, i was eating breakfast in my room, in my pjs, when i spilled some jam on my pj bottoms.

i washed them in the sink with some mint thyme shampoo, courtesy of marriott. i then hung them up in the bathroom, thinking they'd dry.

upon my return to the room, several hours later, i notated that the pj bottoms were as wet as when i'd left that morning. not only did i need to wear them to bed that night, i at least had to pack them in the morning.

so i did what i had to do. i wonder if my buyer at TV saw them?

OMFG

over the top but love it ...

ad from a high end luggage and handbag designer

"they'll fight over it when you're dead."

chicago beckons

it's no secret that i LOVE chicago.
it's also no secret that i've thought about moving here. i even have a job lined up here if i need it.

but i don't want to leave california ... because of family.

however, chicago is definitely trying to court me. i've been here five times this year so far and will return in 3 weeks. the weather has been FABULOUS every time ... not even humid this week. (okay, january was kinda bad but i was here for a record breaking storm so it really doesn't count).

we'll see how it is next month, but based on this year's trips, this would be an awesome place to live.

busted?

have you seen the tiny, glass jars of honey and jam that are typically offered in nicer restaurants and room service? well, a little lady in front of me in the security line got BUSTED for having 20 or so in her carry-on. tsa said they're liquids and she'd have to check them or trash them. seriously, they're barely liquids and she was like 70. doubtful that she was going to cause any malfeasance on the plane with her honey and jam. kinda made me sad for her. i know how long she must have collected them. :-)

hey, that's not nice!

so when i got home from entering my pictures, i showed joe the "participant" ribbon i got with my entry. i was excited because i'm really only in this for ribbons and infamy.

joe's sweet comment (and i'm paraphrasing as i am still wounded) - "wow, they give ribbons to participants at the Special Olympics too."

super awesome.

michelle wie? not me!

a couple of months i picked up an entry guide for the ventura county fair.
i've talked about entering photos for YEARS.
i decided this was my year.

so i picked 8 pictures ... tossed one picture and had them printed and mounted (couldn't figure out how to mount on my own). of course, i waited until the last minute to have them mounted as is how i deal when i'm not sure how to tackle a project.

yesterday, as i was making the labels for the back of the pictures, i noticed that i was supposed to submit and entry form by JULY 16th. which i had not done.

panic set in. pictures were at kinko's. i could see the blue ribbon dangling in front of my face. i HAD to be allowed to submit.

i was certain i was going to face unexpected disqualification and certain disappointment just like michelle wie did this week ... but i just couldn't let that happen. this is the FAIR ... not pro golf. so i did what i had to do ... i submitted my form late ... with a great excuse ... and was ushered in to the competition this morning.

pictures will be on display at the ventura county fair july 30th - august 10th. i entered 6 8x10s and 1 4x6. the following are the names of the photos ...

a jellyfish meets its untimely demise
cocktail weenies ring in the new year
paradise found in pismo beach
mama and her two daughters
joe enjoys new symrna beach, fl
chicago water tower at night
lola devours mr. snowman

good luck to me!

is my tiara on straight?

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lola

lola takes a bite out of texas after saving her frog from certain danger! i'm so glad to be back home with her!

pink is beautiful

i had forgotten that creme soda in canada is pink.

that is until i found some, quite by accident, in vancouver over the holiday weekend.

it is beautiful, isn't it?

alligator pear?

i had a lot of trouble considering eating meat on our alaskan adventure.
i think it stems from the talk of REINDEER SAUSAGE, how to roast a PIG in your backyard, and just the fact that i've been on the fence about meat for a long time.

last night we went to a new orleans style restaurant on the ship.
they had GATOR RIBS (which we don't even think exist) and lots of other weird meat on the menu.

so imagine my HORROR when an ALLIGATOR PEAR was listed as an ingredient in the green salad.

apparently, an ALLIGATOR PEAR is also known as a harmless avocado. WHEW.

channeling bappy

bappy was somewhat famous for her limericks. :-) she wrote them to all of us at one time or another.

i was inspired this morning on our way to anchorage. i know bappy would have liked this limerick.

There once was a girl named Sophia
Who couldn't wait to see the Tower of Pisa
She saved and she saved
Keeping her money in a cave
Until the plane came to jet her away-a!

ride 'em seabiscuit!

so, joe and i got a couples massage today.

OMFG.

during the massage, as i lay helpless on my stomach, i realized that the TEENY TINY woman (probably weighed a buck five) administering the massage had CLIMBED ONTO MY BACK and was now straddling me as she used her KNEES to massage my back. i was laughing so hard (on the inside) that i thought i might soil my massage bed. and i knew better than to look at joe ... i wouldn't have been able to control myself if we made eye contact.

all in all it was a great massage ... albeit a bit kinky.

wildlife update

here's a recap of what we saw today.

1 brown bear
countless whales - including MINKE, HUMPBACK and ORCA
4 sea otters (named one OTTO)
1 seal

BTW ... while we were watching the wildlife show, joe realized that he KNOWS the guy in the cabin next door. worked together at kinko's. SMALL world. and a little creepy.

glacier bay, alaska

we're now cruising through glacier bay. last night, we saw a very elusive glacier, the rainbow ... outside of skagway, alaska.

today we've seen the marjorie and the pan pacific. we saw a bear and are hoping for whales! we'll be in the bay today and tomorrow. i have never seen a shade of blue that remotely resembles the blue of a glacier. it's stunning.

i've taken a mere 400 pictures so far; joe is about the same + lots of video footage. OMG.

hello from alaska

i have survived 2 days on the ship. it's kinda creepy. even though the ship is only 6 years old, the decor screams 1982. seriously. it's hilarious. there are lighted sprial staircases and lots of mirrored signs. and the color scheme. don't even get me started!

yesterday was a bit rough, we hit some really rough water, but no puking, so that's awesome.
our room vibrates all of the time; it's like having a "magic fingers" bed that never shuts off. i am now somewhat used to it.

today we landed in ketchikan and took a 3.5 hour boat tour of misty fjord. it was beautiful. so many waterfalls; and lots of marine life! then we had about 45 minutes to shop ... which of course i made the most of!

the ship is now en route to juneau. we'll spend all day there tomorrow. just got finished with afternoon tea and am now headed back to the boardroom for a nap.

so far it's been a very relaxing trip; i have knocked out a lot of reading and am making fabulous progress on the DS version of yoshi's island. i even hit the treadmill!

happy 4th of july!

kim & sophia - claremont, ca

oh so much wiser

i'll never forget the first time i went to europe.
skye and i were there for about 10 days ... and i had THREE HUGE bags. seriously.
3 bags that were flown to paris, carried into paris on the RER, out of paris on the RER, flown to marsielle, flown back to paris, carried back into paris on the RER and finally back out of paris on the RER. what the hell was i thinking?

8 years and 750,000 miles later, i've FINALLY learned my lesson.

joe and i are leaving for alaska / bc in the morning (for 12 days) and i have ONE suitcase. and two small carry-ons. which are minuscule compared to what i took to france on that fateful trip.

only issue that lies ahead is that i'm sure my bag is over 50 lbs. well, it's better to pay $100 roundtrip for an overweight bag than break my back taking another.

i am so proud.

ps. i will be shipping home all souvenirs. which is what broke my suitcase on the way home from france. :-)

doesn't get much cuter than this

how to get your ass kicked in an airport

simple. just wear one of these.

streak desecrated

en route to salt lake for skye's baby shower, the handle on my favorite handbag broke. BROKE. it's only 6 months old ... a christmas present from my fabulous husband.

i had to take her, broken, to salt lake because there was no way i was leaving her in the car to be stolen.

i sent her back to isabella fiore today to have her repaired. you can only insure up to $500 online so i had to go INSIDE OF THE POST OFFICE AND SPEAK WITH A CLERK.

there goes 2 years of boycotting. flushed down the proverbial toilet. btw, they suck just as much as they did when i started the boycott.

obviously, i'm not a very good boycotter. one broken handbag and i lost sight of my cause.

tomorrow marks day 1 of the new boycott.

trifecta

had calls from

TIM
JIM
KIM

in that order. all within 30 minutes of each other today.

very strange.

seriously

this is the bathroom at a POG facility for one of my accounts in chicago. OMG.

crazy hat day

due to last minute scheduling changes, i watched sophia for a few hours yesterday. just sophia and aunt julie.

to be honest, we got a little bored. one can only watch so much tv ... talk politics and family trees so long ... and it was too hot to take a walk. so, we declared crazy hat day!

washcloths and burp cloths make fabulous hats!

we did try belts later, but there is no photo documentation. next time we're making scarves.

the carpool lane is not a toy

note to self. the carpool lane is not a toy. i repeat, the carpool lane is not a toy. so, even if some jackass is going 55 and burning oil in the fast lane, it is a $400 move to pass on the left.

but in all honesty, i totally drove in the carpool lane all weekend and nothing happened.

i am so due for a ticket.

brita gets 2nd chance

was informed by my husband tonight that i didn't install the brita filter correctly.
no wonder the "filtered" water tasted like ass.

giving said brita a 2nd chance.

movie

the happening was awesome. not as gruesome as i expected ... absolutely excellent. highly recommend.

shooshed at brownies!

kristine and i went to sid's brownie award ceremony today.
we were totally visiting with some of the other moms and got SHOOSHED by the leader and were given the official brownie three finger "shut your cakehole" signal. OMG. felt like i was in 4th grade again.

situation

omg. diner dash 4 was just released.

i'm screwed.

i loved diner dash 2 and diner dash 3 (diner dash 1 sucked) so much that i obsessively played them until i beat the game. have no idea how many hours i'll never get back from those endeavors.

and just when i thought it was safe ... the cycle has begun again. f.

lola's fort

lola was very busy last night. she built her own fort out of the guest room bed. that is what is left of the comforter. (same one she ripped a couple of months ago - we have no guests). what you can't see in the photo is the menagerie that she built around the front of her fort. doesn't like to be alone.

i heart her.

assistant, please

i needed our COO's help on a project today so i called him ... he didn't answer so i left a message.

his assistant called me back and said, "please hold for paul." I LOVE IT. i so need an assistant.

brita water tastes like ass

i tried to like brita water. but it really tastes like ass particles got added to the filter. it's horrible.

so, back to the water bottles ... until i can find a better solution. any ideas?

lips

i never had any feelings about my lips. didn't love them, didn't hate them. really never thought about them.

until i was 24 and an ex-friend told me that i have "pencil lips," then i was self-conscious about them and experienced lip envy on a fairly regular basis. wished they were fuller, more "heart-shaped," more remarkable.

until 5 days ago. my sister told me that sophia has my lips. i studied them this weekend and sure enough, we have the same lips. and they are beautiful.

i have never thought my lips so perfect until now. i couldn't be happier to share them with my niece.

sophia!

picture taken by daddy today as sophia and aunt julie watched law & order.

returning baby clothes

omg. kim and i returned / exchanged an entire truckload of baby stuff today. seriously. no exaggeration here. kohl's, target, nordstrom, penney's (didn't even know they're still in business) and macy's. the macy's woman was a little too grumpy to be working in the baby department. they should transfer her to girdles.

somehow having a girl makes one want to dress said girl in PINK. kim is a TROOPER. had a baby one week ago and today was shopping like a true scorsatto woman. sophia is all set now!

lola rocks

we have a "no salesmen" sign on our front door.
but people knock and ring the bell anyway. after my bad encounter with a magazine salesperson in '02, i'm over all of them.

so today it was a couple of religious peddlers. they were ready. bibles out, phony smiles in place. i'd seen them at the neighbors when i pulled up to the house.

but apparently they can't read.

they knocked. and rang the bell. lola played the best watchdog possible. she sounded like she was going to rip those peeps limb from limb.

i arrived at the front door just in time to see them running for their lives, clutching their bibles.

lola rocks.

sophia on the brain

it's consuming. all i think about is my new little niece and count the minutes until i see her again. (which is tomorrow). if i can barely hold on for 72 hours ... how will i last when we're in canada / alaska for two weeks. there is only one answer. webcam.

i guess someone told american airlines not to fuck with their known repeat passengers

AAdvantage Platinum® Members Are Exempt FromNew Checked Baggage Fees

Dear Julie,

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Also, as an AAdvantage Platinum member, you will continue to be among the first customers to be boarded. This should provide ample time to locate available space for your carry-on luggage, settle in and attend to business well before takeoff. Thanks for flying with us. It's always a pleasure to serve you.

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President
AAdvantage Marketing Programs

sophia anne

it's sophia, not sofia

i'm a dork.
posting and emailing is not smart when you've been up for two days with one hour of sleep. yesterday i kept mis-spelling SOPHIA.

today, my mom and i both called her chloe. but not in front of her. probably had something to do with the mad 3-hour PINK shopping spree we went on and the fact that one of the stores is named chloe and hunter.

i really don't know how kim and james are holding up so well. they've had no sleep to speak of since wednesday night. they are incredible.

it's a girl!!

sophia anne
05.30.08
1:55 pm
8 pounds
12 ounces
21 inches long

she is healthy and fabulous. mama is doing fantastic. they are both strong women who worked very hard to bring sophia into the world today.

after a super tough week, i am overwhelmed with joy.

pictures forthcoming.

sympathy cards

the sympathy card.

i always send them ... to anyone i know who's experienced a death. it's just what you do, right? it's a way of acknowledging that you care, that you're thinking about the people who's lives are irrevocably changed forever. i've also sent plants and flowers - it's what you're supposed to do.

well, i don't want any part of it. being on the other side for the first time in a VERY long time, i don't want the cards, flowers, plants. they can't bring her back.

clear

2nd to sitting in the middle seat, i hate standing in the security line. inevitably, i get stuck behind a string of probable camry-drivers, who can't pay attention, and take forever to get it together so they can pass through security. these are the people that put massive amounts of liquids through the x-ray (even though it's been almost two years since the liquid ban) and refuse to take off their shoes, belts, ten gallon hats, etc.

so, for $128/year, and a government background, check i can now "fly clear." there are still just a handful of airports with the technology, but where it's available, i've bought my way to the front of the line. for $10.67/month (or two trips to starbucks), it's worth it.

green

we are finally making the change.
no more bottled water.
we're going to buy a purification system today and use cups. i'm really proud of us. we go through at least a case of water a week. that's a lot of plastic!

still nothing

we tried our best to walk the baby out yesterday with 7 hours of shopping (seriously, i don't know how kim hung in there for that long) but no luck. i left last night, sure s/he would make his/her appearance as soon as i left, but it's been 16 hours and baby sink is still happy on the inside. :-)

i do have to mention that i think baby sink is definitely going to be a dancer and party animal. when i played "da ya think i'm sexy" mixed by n'trance last night, baby sink started moving around A LOT. so much that we could see him/her moving through my sister's stomach. love it!

so we continue to wait. i'm going to the beach and try to concentrate on something else. :)

baby watch - 6 days to go

6 days to go.
no baby yet.
i'm going to drive to the IE tomorrow and check on mama sink myself. :-) she's bored ... who could blame her ... and i'm dying to see the finished nursery. plus i have like 5 toys for the baby and a ton of clothes ... i'm running out of room. :-)

i'm going to pack for a few days ... maybe that'll get the kid moving.

there will be blood is right

i'm still catching up on my oscar movies ... joe and i watched there will be blood over the weekend.

they're right ... there will be blood ... i wanted to claw my eyes out from sheer boredom. did it really have to be 158 minutes long? seriously? i could have put my amateur editing skills to use and cut about 75 minutes.

it had a great story and i'm sure is a really good movie, but for me it was like being locked in a museum for hours without my ipod, sunlight and snacks.

full moon - still no baby

despite having three children of her own, my grandma's prediction that baby sink would be born on a full moon night is about 7.5 hours away from being inaccurate. as my sister is not in labor, the chance of her having the baby within the next few hours is slim to none.

so we wait. i just hope the baby doesn't come tomorrow as i'm in texas and i would almost feel obligated to buy a small cow-person hat. obligated. i did buy a monkey in texas today. he came named ... marvin the monkey. i may change it, but am not sure. marvin, as he is called today, joins norman from san jose. i bought a stuffed animal lamb last week in san jose and promptly named him norman after the norman y. mineta airport. extra credit for anyone who can tell me who norman y. mineta is ... without using google.

8 long days until baby sink's estimated due date.

seis de mayo

i know i'm out of chronological order, but this is a picture of the mariachi band that flew home on the same flight as me on el seis de mayo. i was coming home from chicago. my friend tim advised that they must have played for oprah, but his information was incorrect. :-) i love the sombrero holders!

apple itunes can kiss my ass

i have only purchased 2 songs from itunes and got another free with a starbucks promotion.

the first song was lost when i changed computers.

the other two are in itunes purgatory. it is absurd that i LEGALLY bought the songs, but can't convert them to mp3s. protected my ass. i tried everything to convert them, but most solutions cost at least $19.99 for new software. f that.

so never again mr. steve jobs. never. i will download music from amazon.com where there is no bullshit.

how do you respond?

i love being asked, "did you have a good birthday?" seriously, how are you supposed to respond? i had a great birthday ... but what if it sucked? could i be honest? "thanks for asking, but it sucked ass." these are the things that keep me up at night.

pee smell

it's no secret that i loathe texas. but really, did i have to be assigned a pee-scented COROLLA?? (small camry). seriously, it smells like pee. especially after simmering in the texas sun all day.

i'm so not paying for this rental.

black cherry chutney surprise

yesterday, as i sat sweltering in my un-airconditioned hovel as temperatures soared past 95, i had a fight with a bottle of nail polish.

i keep most of my manicure supplies in a small plastic box with a lid. however, apparently i did not secure the lid after the last time i opened it. i know this because as i lifted it to carry it over to my desk, it slipped out of my hands. a brand-new bottle of OPI black cherry chutney BROKE OPEN on its way out of the box and spilled onto my semi-light berber carpet. the stains covered a 12" x 8" square. super awesome.

instead of panicking (seriously, worse case scenario is new carpet) i surfed to google and found how to get nail polish out of the carpet. the advice i found worked like a charm!

here's what i did.

sopped up the wet nail polish by blotting clean paper towels on the puddles
dumped water over the whole mess - apparently, keeping the stain wet is the key
added some rubbing alcohol and hair spray (i am still high, i think)
scrubbed my little heart out with a firm, small scrub brush (lucky i sell cleaning tools!)

it took about 30 minutes, but the carpet is perfect again. :-)

no bottle duty for auntie julie

i know it's disgusting, but i have to do a nasal rinse a couple of times a week to see if i can avoid surgery on my nose.

ideally, you want to use warm water because cold water is shocking to the system.

my allergist said that i can microwave the bottle/solution to make it warm.

but i must have forgotten how long she said to heat it because I BURNED THE INSIDE OF MY RIGHT NOSTRIL.

so, no bottle duty for me. i would hate myself if i burned baby sink's little baby tongue, lips, gums, etc. HATE myself.

31 days until baby sink's due date. can hardly wait.

out of control hello kitty

from mother goose & grimm last week. the images are way better than my cut out comics ... http://www.seattlepi.com/ had them all. :-)

countdown

less than 6 weeks until baby sink makes his / her debut. i absolutely can hardly wait!

life

how did i become tied to my outlook calendar? everyday is like a rainbow, each busier than the next. how did my parents work, volunteer, keep up the house AND rear us? i am so tired at the end of the day ... and i have no kids. seriously. how did they do it?

in addition to life, work, the shack and my usual committments, i have to have surgery. i've never had surgery before, so i'm a little nervous. it's not a big deal, just some work on my nose ... yes, i am having my deviated septum repaired ... isn't that hollywood code for "nose job?" well, the outside of my nose isn't going to change, they're just going to re-route a few things. super fun. another rainbow color in my already packed outlook calendar. :-(

explain this to me

i can't bring on more than a quart sized baggie of 3 oz sized containers on a plane.
i can't bring my tiny swiss army knife on a plane.
i can't take sharp pointed scissors on a plane.
all for my own safety, right?

then why are glass bottles allowed? won't broken glass cut like a knife?

i really wonder what guy in his ivory tower is making all of these rules. does he secretly work for glad or ziploc and needed to boost quart sized baggies?

consideration

i've been thinking of getting my MBA for two years now.

am i too old? i'll be 35 in a couple of weeks.

there's an executive MBA program at claremont grad school. they don't require the GRE, so bonus, but it's expensive.

i really don't think i have any shot of running a company without the degree ... so much to consider.

just wrong

i bought some newborn diapers yesterday for baby sink. they're needed for one of the presents for him/her.

i bought huggies.

who in the hell thought it was a good idea to put winnie the pooh on diapers? someone trying to be ironic? i think it's just gross. ew. poor baby sink will have poo[h] on the inside AND outside of his/her dipies. vile.

i feel like i need to go to confession

so my sister called last night and wanted to go to see rod stewart ... we did it once before ... before we were married and she wanted to relive the experience.

so i got the tickets.

VIP packages were available. So I figured, what the hell.

so i felt a little bad about spending that kind of money on one evening. called joe and he said, "did you spend more than $1,000?" made me feel alot better. but i did spend more than $500 and i feel like i should go to confession.

hell

the last two weeks have been utter hell.

i really should have kept the jobs i once had where i could bullshit my way through them. but no, had to go for the promotion. and now, two years later, i'm still working my ass off ... pretty much unable to bullshit my way through my job.

and then the travel. i was gone 23 days out of 35. seriously, that is a beatdown. i've been home for a little more than a week ... but am still inundated at work, am working on my sister's shower and now my step-grandpa's funeral.

i hate being a grown-up.

the included picture really sums it up. this was yesterday after i dropped a glass in our kitchen. just when i was getting ahead ...

orlando, florida

i've been in orlando since tuesday.
not my favorite place. okay, i really hate it.

orlando can be summed up by a sign on saw on a local walgreen's.

"coca-cola - $X.XX
florida t-shirts 3 for $10
wonder bread $X.XX"

white trash tourists. oh yea baby.

prize from kristine

kristine brought me a special prize from the girl's bathroom during her daughter's first piano recital. she presented it to me during the intermission.

so i am doing the only thing i can think of to thank her. i made my prize into a envelope and am putting it into the mail. i hope it makes it. i'm sure the post office employees will get a good laugh out of this piece of mail.

absolute chaos

there are too many projects going on in my life right now. OMG.

philosophy chocolate chip and spice cookie bubble bath

at my request, santa brought me a cookie themed box set of philosophy bubble bath for christmas.

i love philosophy products ... but this particular box has caused me some consternation.

one flavor is coconut macaroon. no issue here. it smells great and is white in color.

the other two, however, are a different story.

both of them make the water look like i pooped in the water. i just can't use them.

why oh why would someone make these yummy smelling bath treats looks like fecal matter? i am going to write to the company. it's disgusting.

hot. super hot.

got a new suit for the housewares show ... didn't get it at nordstrom ... so i'm in charge of my own alterations.

so, imagine if you will, me in the pants, with heels on, standing on the coffee table so joe could pin them. he is the best husband.

the look was completed by a brown, very old, tank top. so very hot.

why southwest airlines is still evil

say what you will about on time this, and happy flight crew that, but southwest airlines is still evil and i hope i never have to fly them again.

joe and i are headed to orlando ... to see his family and i have to business to conduct down there.

tickets were pricey - so pricey that joe opted to use my free southwest ticket.

because of their f-ed up boarding process ... joe got up at 6:40 am yesterday, exactly 24 hours before his flight and still only scored a A24 ticket. A17 for his connection.

here's where it gets bad.

because of WEATHER ... joe was rebooked this morning and his place in line lost. thank goodness we were so early, but he's still in the mid-B group (as they board by ALPHA and NUMERAL NOW). let's hope he gets an aisle.

way too much drama for me. i won't fly them for a flight longer than one hour. period. ever.

my flight is on time ... of course.

it's "nacho" audi!

sterling developed some engine trouble today. almost stalling, check engine light on, etc.

i was scared to drive her.

so, i called the audi hotline and asked them to pick her up and take her to the audi dealer. attached are pictures of her getting loaded up. it was kinda sad. but also funny. love that the towing company's name is "Nacho Towing." Super hot.

the dealer asked me to ride down with nacho so they could put me in a rental car. (omg. they didn't have anything but a crappy DODGE AVENGER and i'm kinda sad, but i digress.) nacho had to stop at the scales at the top of the grade too! it was so exciting!

sterling should be ready tomorrow ... they think it's a loose coil or something.

what an adventure!

country club / with white trash tendencies

as i walked into 7-11 this morning with my flip flops on to buy crossword puzzle lottery scratchers ... i thought "i guess you take take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl." wow. kinda sad.

velvet jesus

i've seen a velvet Elvis before, but never a velvet Jesus ... much less in pink!

this man is a little piggie

this guy was dipping at the o'hell airport.

i was horrified. when it was time to spit, he would lean over the trash can and let 'er rip. OMG. i know he was wearing a nascar jacket, but seriously dipping in the airport? is that even legal?

a gummy bear plunges to his untimely demise

last night, tim and i saw hairspray in thousand oaks, ca. not quite broadway, but it was better than nothing!

we had some gummy bears and were enjoying them immensely, when all of the sudden, one of the yellow bears leaped to his death! he flew from the 2nd row of the balcony ... hitting the floor below with a life-ending thud. well, that's the worse case scenario. he could totally be stuck in someone's hair, but i have a feeling that i'll never know.

who knew gummy bears could be suicidal?

did you really say poopie?

so, i checked into a moderate marriott courtyard tonight in a suburb of chicago. i had to pee really badly, so i ran into the bathroom and used the facilities.

the toilet clogged when i flushed. OMG. important to note that i only peed.

i had to call the front desk ... didn't bring a plunger with me.

so, the crustiest, oldest guy came knocking at my door. with a plunger. (and no, it wasn't a quickie.)

he assured me that he would totally take care of it ... so i left him to handle the plumbing situation and went back to my blackberry.

when he finished, he checked in with me and advised that if i have to go poopie, yes, he said POOPIE, then i should go poopie, flush, wipe and then flush again. seriously. i couldn't make this stuff up.

he then advised that if i poopie, wipe and then flush ... the toilet would be sure to clog up.

i didn't know what to say. he used the term poopie like three times and i was a little shellshocked.

so, i politely thanked him for the information and he left.

OMG.

have people lost their minds?

wow. an infant bikini, in hooker red, with juicy printed on the fanny, is now available from the fabulous (i use that term super loosely) people at juicy couture.

i would love to meet the people that buy this for their poor, defenseless little girl.

in the wise words of the beastie boys, "i think her name is Lucy, but we all call her loose."

show me the nuts

found a place where you can decorate and MAIL a coconut while in kona, hawaii earlier this week! i did two coconuts ... aren't they fabulous? (please keep in mind that i had to use Pineapple Bob's markers ... and he didn't have that many ... if i had known i was going to do this, i would have brought my own stuff!)

parrot fish

did you know that a male parrot fish is a polygamist of sorts? he has several female parrot fish that follow him around.

but because the male parrot fish are so beautiful, they usually get caught / speared first ... leaving his group of females without a leader.

after the male is gone, the strongest female parrot fish changes into a MALE parrot fish ... changing color and all. and then "he" is in charge until his demise.

weird, huh?

donkey crossing?

between our hotel and the airport ... there is a 2 mile donkey crossing. a DONKEY crossing! i guess i didn't know as much as i thought i did about hawaii ... did you know it snows here too? but i digress. anyway, we have been desperate to see a feral hawaiian donkey ... but nothing so far! we did see a pack of feral hawaiian goats near the donkey area, but they weren't nearly as exciting!

we're going to the volcanoes tomorrow. apparently, we need a coat. a coat in hawaii? bizarre.

poop is falling from the ceiling! poop!

upon arrival on the big island, i spied several bats at the top of the tiki hut, under which was baggage claim B. B is for BAT, i suppose.

ew.

"poop is falling from the ceiling! poop!"
-angela martin, the office, "business school episode"

question.

how does one get a disabled tag for a motorcycle? isn't that strange? struck me as odd as i spied a biker with one today entering the 101 freeway in ventura.

was oprah booked?

hill made an appearance on the tyra banks show yesterday. if that wasn't bad enough, she chose that forum to discuss bill & monica's affair and why she decided to stay with him. wow.

a. tyra banks is as low on the journalism totem pole as jerry springer. was oprah booked? how about matt lauer? even barbara would have been better than tyra.
b. hill is a liar ... she stayed with bill and his cheatin' ass because she had her sights on the white house. pure and simple. i applaud her for doing so ... she was able to keep her eye on the prize, but don't lie about it.

regardless of her pinochino impression yesterday ... hillary '08. mailed the ballot this morning. no turning back now.

blackberry drama

joe and i leave for kona, hawaii tonight. i'm going to try and take an actual vacation ... i am actually leaving my laptop at home ... which is a major deal for me. i usually never leave home without it. but i figured, i will have my blackberry, so i should be okay.

until this morning.

i unplugged my blackberry from its charger this morning and realized that it had never charged.

i checked to make sure the charger was plugged into the wall.

it was.

i tried another outlet ... blackberry still wouldn't charge. tried hooking it up to my computer. still nothing.

so i panicked. seriously.

i called work and talked with tech support ... they told me to take it to an at&t store so they could see if it was a bad battery or a bad phone.

wouldn't you know ... bad phone.

so ... we leave in a few hours ... i did what i had to. bought a new $400 phone, overnighted the bad phone to our tech team at work and am getting on the plane. let someone else sort out the drama for once.

new blackberry is currently charging ... is already synced up with my corporate email, phone numbers, etc. all set to go.

ALOFUCKINGHA. :-)

snapple fact #77

no piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times

i remember testing this out in high school or college ... i couldn't get past 7 no matter how hard i tried.

strange. maybe i should have paid more attention in physics ...

old and snotty

10 years ago on a saturday night, i would have been at the local watering hole, dancing, shopping and / or hanging out with friends.

now, at the ripe old age of 34 ... here's what saturday night looks like today.

• movie with husband - saw "juno" - a must see, by the way
• drank rum during movie
• felt sick
• came home
• ate grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner - CLASSY
• hovered over lola - who had surgery yesterday
• played 90 minutes of "viva pinata" on xbox360 - AWESOME GAME
• rinsed out nasal passages - seriously
• ready for bed

and it's ONLY 9 PM.

what happened to me?

WTF

on my way to the mailbox today, i saw a southern california gas company truck being driven by an old crusty guy who was SMOKING! seriously, does he have a death wish?

i did what i had to. i memorized his truck number and reported him to the gas company.

i think i live in the land of whack-jobs

joe and i watched the 11 pm news last night ... we don't do this very often, but we were curious about the imminent storm ...

OMG.

the stories went like this.

storm - interrupted by breaking news at britney spears' house - storm - back to britney - storm - britney being rolled out on a gurney - storm - oh, by the way, the iowa caucus results are in - britney's kids are also going to the hospital - storm ... blah, blah, blah

seriously. who the fuck cares if britney is further messing up her life and the life of her kids? isn't the presidential election like WAY more important?

i guess it's just another day in la la land.

i am the only one?

doesn't anyone else watch nip / tuck??? i don't think i know one person that watches it ... except me, of course.

i missed my opportunity

i toyed with the idea of sending a holiday card to my neighbors with dogs that would read:

"all i want for Christmas is for your dogs to shut their damn kibble-holes!"

but i chickened out. and now i pay for it by listening to their whiny barking. gotta go. time to bribe them for silence by tossing some bones over the wall. oh the price i have to pay for silence.

bliss

bliss is welcoming in the new year by driving one's car, with the top down, to the beach and walking on the sand under a perfect sunset.

tomorrow i will be more prepared and take a camera!