explain this to me

i can't bring on more than a quart sized baggie of 3 oz sized containers on a plane.
i can't bring my tiny swiss army knife on a plane.
i can't take sharp pointed scissors on a plane.
all for my own safety, right?

then why are glass bottles allowed? won't broken glass cut like a knife?

i really wonder what guy in his ivory tower is making all of these rules. does he secretly work for glad or ziploc and needed to boost quart sized baggies?

consideration

i've been thinking of getting my MBA for two years now.

am i too old? i'll be 35 in a couple of weeks.

there's an executive MBA program at claremont grad school. they don't require the GRE, so bonus, but it's expensive.

i really don't think i have any shot of running a company without the degree ... so much to consider.

just wrong

i bought some newborn diapers yesterday for baby sink. they're needed for one of the presents for him/her.

i bought huggies.

who in the hell thought it was a good idea to put winnie the pooh on diapers? someone trying to be ironic? i think it's just gross. ew. poor baby sink will have poo[h] on the inside AND outside of his/her dipies. vile.

i feel like i need to go to confession

so my sister called last night and wanted to go to see rod stewart ... we did it once before ... before we were married and she wanted to relive the experience.

so i got the tickets.

VIP packages were available. So I figured, what the hell.

so i felt a little bad about spending that kind of money on one evening. called joe and he said, "did you spend more than $1,000?" made me feel alot better. but i did spend more than $500 and i feel like i should go to confession.

hell

the last two weeks have been utter hell.

i really should have kept the jobs i once had where i could bullshit my way through them. but no, had to go for the promotion. and now, two years later, i'm still working my ass off ... pretty much unable to bullshit my way through my job.

and then the travel. i was gone 23 days out of 35. seriously, that is a beatdown. i've been home for a little more than a week ... but am still inundated at work, am working on my sister's shower and now my step-grandpa's funeral.

i hate being a grown-up.

the included picture really sums it up. this was yesterday after i dropped a glass in our kitchen. just when i was getting ahead ...

orlando, florida

i've been in orlando since tuesday.
not my favorite place. okay, i really hate it.

orlando can be summed up by a sign on saw on a local walgreen's.

"coca-cola - $X.XX
florida t-shirts 3 for $10
wonder bread $X.XX"

white trash tourists. oh yea baby.

prize from kristine

kristine brought me a special prize from the girl's bathroom during her daughter's first piano recital. she presented it to me during the intermission.

so i am doing the only thing i can think of to thank her. i made my prize into a envelope and am putting it into the mail. i hope it makes it. i'm sure the post office employees will get a good laugh out of this piece of mail.

absolute chaos

there are too many projects going on in my life right now. OMG.

philosophy chocolate chip and spice cookie bubble bath

at my request, santa brought me a cookie themed box set of philosophy bubble bath for christmas.

i love philosophy products ... but this particular box has caused me some consternation.

one flavor is coconut macaroon. no issue here. it smells great and is white in color.

the other two, however, are a different story.

both of them make the water look like i pooped in the water. i just can't use them.

why oh why would someone make these yummy smelling bath treats looks like fecal matter? i am going to write to the company. it's disgusting.

hot. super hot.

got a new suit for the housewares show ... didn't get it at nordstrom ... so i'm in charge of my own alterations.

so, imagine if you will, me in the pants, with heels on, standing on the coffee table so joe could pin them. he is the best husband.

the look was completed by a brown, very old, tank top. so very hot.

why southwest airlines is still evil

say what you will about on time this, and happy flight crew that, but southwest airlines is still evil and i hope i never have to fly them again.

joe and i are headed to orlando ... to see his family and i have to business to conduct down there.

tickets were pricey - so pricey that joe opted to use my free southwest ticket.

because of their f-ed up boarding process ... joe got up at 6:40 am yesterday, exactly 24 hours before his flight and still only scored a A24 ticket. A17 for his connection.

here's where it gets bad.

because of WEATHER ... joe was rebooked this morning and his place in line lost. thank goodness we were so early, but he's still in the mid-B group (as they board by ALPHA and NUMERAL NOW). let's hope he gets an aisle.

way too much drama for me. i won't fly them for a flight longer than one hour. period. ever.

my flight is on time ... of course.

it's "nacho" audi!

sterling developed some engine trouble today. almost stalling, check engine light on, etc.

i was scared to drive her.

so, i called the audi hotline and asked them to pick her up and take her to the audi dealer. attached are pictures of her getting loaded up. it was kinda sad. but also funny. love that the towing company's name is "Nacho Towing." Super hot.

the dealer asked me to ride down with nacho so they could put me in a rental car. (omg. they didn't have anything but a crappy DODGE AVENGER and i'm kinda sad, but i digress.) nacho had to stop at the scales at the top of the grade too! it was so exciting!

sterling should be ready tomorrow ... they think it's a loose coil or something.

what an adventure!

country club / with white trash tendencies

as i walked into 7-11 this morning with my flip flops on to buy crossword puzzle lottery scratchers ... i thought "i guess you take take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl." wow. kinda sad.

velvet jesus

i've seen a velvet Elvis before, but never a velvet Jesus ... much less in pink!

this man is a little piggie

this guy was dipping at the o'hell airport.

i was horrified. when it was time to spit, he would lean over the trash can and let 'er rip. OMG. i know he was wearing a nascar jacket, but seriously dipping in the airport? is that even legal?

a gummy bear plunges to his untimely demise

last night, tim and i saw hairspray in thousand oaks, ca. not quite broadway, but it was better than nothing!

we had some gummy bears and were enjoying them immensely, when all of the sudden, one of the yellow bears leaped to his death! he flew from the 2nd row of the balcony ... hitting the floor below with a life-ending thud. well, that's the worse case scenario. he could totally be stuck in someone's hair, but i have a feeling that i'll never know.

who knew gummy bears could be suicidal?

did you really say poopie?

so, i checked into a moderate marriott courtyard tonight in a suburb of chicago. i had to pee really badly, so i ran into the bathroom and used the facilities.

the toilet clogged when i flushed. OMG. important to note that i only peed.

i had to call the front desk ... didn't bring a plunger with me.

so, the crustiest, oldest guy came knocking at my door. with a plunger. (and no, it wasn't a quickie.)

he assured me that he would totally take care of it ... so i left him to handle the plumbing situation and went back to my blackberry.

when he finished, he checked in with me and advised that if i have to go poopie, yes, he said POOPIE, then i should go poopie, flush, wipe and then flush again. seriously. i couldn't make this stuff up.

he then advised that if i poopie, wipe and then flush ... the toilet would be sure to clog up.

i didn't know what to say. he used the term poopie like three times and i was a little shellshocked.

so, i politely thanked him for the information and he left.

OMG.

have people lost their minds?

wow. an infant bikini, in hooker red, with juicy printed on the fanny, is now available from the fabulous (i use that term super loosely) people at juicy couture.

i would love to meet the people that buy this for their poor, defenseless little girl.

in the wise words of the beastie boys, "i think her name is Lucy, but we all call her loose."

show me the nuts

found a place where you can decorate and MAIL a coconut while in kona, hawaii earlier this week! i did two coconuts ... aren't they fabulous? (please keep in mind that i had to use Pineapple Bob's markers ... and he didn't have that many ... if i had known i was going to do this, i would have brought my own stuff!)

parrot fish

did you know that a male parrot fish is a polygamist of sorts? he has several female parrot fish that follow him around.

but because the male parrot fish are so beautiful, they usually get caught / speared first ... leaving his group of females without a leader.

after the male is gone, the strongest female parrot fish changes into a MALE parrot fish ... changing color and all. and then "he" is in charge until his demise.

weird, huh?

donkey crossing?

between our hotel and the airport ... there is a 2 mile donkey crossing. a DONKEY crossing! i guess i didn't know as much as i thought i did about hawaii ... did you know it snows here too? but i digress. anyway, we have been desperate to see a feral hawaiian donkey ... but nothing so far! we did see a pack of feral hawaiian goats near the donkey area, but they weren't nearly as exciting!

we're going to the volcanoes tomorrow. apparently, we need a coat. a coat in hawaii? bizarre.

poop is falling from the ceiling! poop!

upon arrival on the big island, i spied several bats at the top of the tiki hut, under which was baggage claim B. B is for BAT, i suppose.

ew.

"poop is falling from the ceiling! poop!"
-angela martin, the office, "business school episode"

question.

how does one get a disabled tag for a motorcycle? isn't that strange? struck me as odd as i spied a biker with one today entering the 101 freeway in ventura.

was oprah booked?

hill made an appearance on the tyra banks show yesterday. if that wasn't bad enough, she chose that forum to discuss bill & monica's affair and why she decided to stay with him. wow.

a. tyra banks is as low on the journalism totem pole as jerry springer. was oprah booked? how about matt lauer? even barbara would have been better than tyra.
b. hill is a liar ... she stayed with bill and his cheatin' ass because she had her sights on the white house. pure and simple. i applaud her for doing so ... she was able to keep her eye on the prize, but don't lie about it.

regardless of her pinochino impression yesterday ... hillary '08. mailed the ballot this morning. no turning back now.

blackberry drama

joe and i leave for kona, hawaii tonight. i'm going to try and take an actual vacation ... i am actually leaving my laptop at home ... which is a major deal for me. i usually never leave home without it. but i figured, i will have my blackberry, so i should be okay.

until this morning.

i unplugged my blackberry from its charger this morning and realized that it had never charged.

i checked to make sure the charger was plugged into the wall.

it was.

i tried another outlet ... blackberry still wouldn't charge. tried hooking it up to my computer. still nothing.

so i panicked. seriously.

i called work and talked with tech support ... they told me to take it to an at&t store so they could see if it was a bad battery or a bad phone.

wouldn't you know ... bad phone.

so ... we leave in a few hours ... i did what i had to. bought a new $400 phone, overnighted the bad phone to our tech team at work and am getting on the plane. let someone else sort out the drama for once.

new blackberry is currently charging ... is already synced up with my corporate email, phone numbers, etc. all set to go.

ALOFUCKINGHA. :-)

snapple fact #77

no piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times

i remember testing this out in high school or college ... i couldn't get past 7 no matter how hard i tried.

strange. maybe i should have paid more attention in physics ...

old and snotty

10 years ago on a saturday night, i would have been at the local watering hole, dancing, shopping and / or hanging out with friends.

now, at the ripe old age of 34 ... here's what saturday night looks like today.

• movie with husband - saw "juno" - a must see, by the way
• drank rum during movie
• felt sick
• came home
• ate grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner - CLASSY
• hovered over lola - who had surgery yesterday
• played 90 minutes of "viva pinata" on xbox360 - AWESOME GAME
• rinsed out nasal passages - seriously
• ready for bed

and it's ONLY 9 PM.

what happened to me?

WTF

on my way to the mailbox today, i saw a southern california gas company truck being driven by an old crusty guy who was SMOKING! seriously, does he have a death wish?

i did what i had to. i memorized his truck number and reported him to the gas company.

i think i live in the land of whack-jobs

joe and i watched the 11 pm news last night ... we don't do this very often, but we were curious about the imminent storm ...

OMG.

the stories went like this.

storm - interrupted by breaking news at britney spears' house - storm - back to britney - storm - britney being rolled out on a gurney - storm - oh, by the way, the iowa caucus results are in - britney's kids are also going to the hospital - storm ... blah, blah, blah

seriously. who the fuck cares if britney is further messing up her life and the life of her kids? isn't the presidential election like WAY more important?

i guess it's just another day in la la land.

i am the only one?

doesn't anyone else watch nip / tuck??? i don't think i know one person that watches it ... except me, of course.

i missed my opportunity

i toyed with the idea of sending a holiday card to my neighbors with dogs that would read:

"all i want for Christmas is for your dogs to shut their damn kibble-holes!"

but i chickened out. and now i pay for it by listening to their whiny barking. gotta go. time to bribe them for silence by tossing some bones over the wall. oh the price i have to pay for silence.

bliss

bliss is welcoming in the new year by driving one's car, with the top down, to the beach and walking on the sand under a perfect sunset.

tomorrow i will be more prepared and take a camera!

i just can't get enough

of "nip/tuck." i started watching it a few weeks ago and i can't stop. i'm on season 4 right now ... it's delicious.

you can take the girl out of the trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the girl

over the past week, i have scratched at least 15 lottery tickets. i got some for christmas and kept winning ... so i had to keep going back to establishments such as 7-11 and Circle K to exchange the winning tickets for new ones.

this afternoon i knew i had a problem when my scratching thumb cramped up.

maybe i should call 1-800-GAMBLER?

hey! where are you taking bob?

i've only read about this type of malfeasance. never before have i witnessed it.

"bob" was on the move in toluca lake tonight. super exciting.

merry christmas

"mom, i wish you could be santa's little helper and shut your damn cakehole!"
- matt the motivational speaker

i'm not a prude, but ...

is this really necessary? (as seen in the topanga canyon mall tonight). seriously.

proper nomenclature

sometimes there are samples in the admiral's clubs that companies donate for travelers.

the usual suspects include Airborne, Zicam ... and now DRIED PLUMS.

aren't "dried plums" also refered to as PRUNES? is the term "prune" not proper nomenclature anymore? when did this happen? i guess dried plums is a sexier name that prunes, but wow.

borderline

new nail polish color

kris kringle makes me tingle

it's on the edge of funny and absolutely sick. of course, i went for it and am planning on wearing it at christmas. i think my family will appreciate the step up from thanksgiving's almost black polish.

i am such a rebel. :-)

over the top

maybe i have "sucker" written on my forehead. or "childless." or maybe just "psycho." but the guys at tails in the city - an adorable pet boutique in downtown chicago - just knew that i couldn't turn down the adorable new puppy couture line they're carrying.

lola got two pieces from the line ... a matching cupcake collar and lead. it is super cute ... even if its price tag was over the top.

ah, poor Baby Sink! s/he will just have to deal with over the top Auntie Julie.

heartburn

i guess i am getting old.
heartburn has set in. very, very sad.

24 hours

after being on the road for 7 solid days (2 states, 2 states, 6,000 miles, stinky people on the airplane, etc.) i returned to the following:

• power had gone off at least twice during my absence. joe was home for one of the outages which was caused by a fire on an electrical pole in our neighbor's yard ... oh the drama. and might i add that he called me to report the fire at midnight chicago time? i didn't sleep for several hours worried about lola and our house. when i finally nodded off, the alarm company called my blackberry to advise that our power was out. duh. the other outage happened on the day i flew home.
• the power outages resulted in an hour of me figuring out (with joe ever so patient on the phone as he's in memphis - with a KIDNEY STONE) how to reset all of the our computers, TVs, TIVOs, routers, and clocks. okay, i know how to reset the clocks, but it still sucked up part of the hour fixing all of them.
• my dog pulled a section of her electric fence off of the wall thereby causing a breach in the beach shack security system. i got shocked about 7 times trying to fix it. it's going to stay broken until joe gets home. if she gets out i'm going to freak, but i think she's smarter than that now that she's been undoubtedly shocked several times.
• lola barfed on me two times today.

that's a lot of drama for 24 hours. i am going to bed now before anything else happens.

finally

our christmas cards are finally finished.

i have NEVER finished this late in the season before ... i'm a done around Thanksgiving kinda gal. traveling for a solid week in december has screwed me up! not to mention that our collective lists are up to over 200 cards ... OMG.

joe's out of town until sunday ... so i have three days to get a true headstart on wrapping. one more present to buy ... but that's it. i have never been this far behind. it's giving me indigestion.

me & mrs. claus

mrs. claus was on my flight from chicago to philly last night!

ratatouille?

saw my first city rat friday night. it was HUGE. like a opossum. ew!

two questions

These pictures were taken this morning in the Sofitel Hotel in Downtown Chicago.

A. Who needs a speakerphone in the bathroom? It was super fun to use, but i would rather have a TV over the tub like at the Penisula Hotel in NYC.

B. And when the decision was made to install the speakerphone, was a data port really necessary? who is going to sit on the can (man) and use the laptop? ew.

merry christmas from ventura

i got a parking ticket yesterday in downtown ventura.
bastards.
it was for "not parking in the marked stall." i was kinda over on one side, but seriously, i didn't know i lived in claremont. (i've gotten the craziest parking tickets in claremont ... i think they go around with a tape measure, but i digress.)

so, to be totally honest, i was parked a little crooked because i did made an illegal left hand turn into the space. but come on, it's CHRISTMAS!

the last ticket i got was for speeding in SANTA CLAUS, INDIANA. i'm serious. 2004. maybe christmastime isn't lucky for me. :-(

all in all, i paid $30 to park yesterday and didn't even have someone park it for me. F!

good to know

i tried clicking my heels three times yesterday to send myself home. i think that trick only works in kansas and you must be wearing red, sparkly shoes because i am still here in tex-ass. one hour to go. shoes or no shoes.

tots

"are you going to eat all of your tots?" - napoleon dynamite

terrell, texas - true story

btw, that is pronounced TER-L. nice.

so, i stopped in TER-L today to fill up my rental car and use a toilet. i chose a chevron on I-20 at the 34.

OMG.

first of all, my credit card didn't work. even though the pump advised that american express was accepted, the mean lady in the gas station store said, "no, only visa and mastercard."

fine. i have a visa.

so i filled up.

then i went inside to use the toilet. i had waited too long and was DESPERATE.

i entered the bathroom (door was open) and the mean lady ran after me yelling, "ma'am stop, ma'am stop."

i looked inside the bathroom ... there was a wooden plank with the words "out of order" scrawled on it lying across the toilet.

so i said, "oh, okay. it's out of order." and turned to leave.

to which she replied, "oh no. we are just out of toilet paper. you use napkin?"

damn straight i'm going to use the napkin. i had about peed my pants!

so i used the dirty bathroom. probably have a disease now. and when i went to through out the used napkins (didn't want to clog her toilet) i saw that there was no TRASH CAN.

some people get what they have coming. i flushed the wad of napkins.

i hate texas.

do people really eat this stuff?

almost vomited when i saw this "restaurant." it's called grandma's. it is located in forney, tx. according to my husband, who lived in tex-ass for 9 months, it is a chain. seriously disgusting.

baby sink cupcakes

kim and james made these cupcakes for turkey day in honor of baby sink's arrival.




the little "pacifers" are really lifesavers with little pieces of gummy worms poking through. they were yummy and super creative!

BEST THANKSGIVING EVER!

BABY SINK COMING MEMORIAL DAY 2008.

woohoo!

fruits of my labor

no taste tests yet.

but this is how the fruits of my labor look.

my dad advised to bring the pie and if it sucks he'll help me dispose of it.

i do not speak pie

i was so pysched to try my hand at another pecan pie this year ... it's been at least 5 years since the last disaster, so i figured i was in good shape.

WRONG. WELL, MAYBE WRONG.

i followed the instructions to a T. and it still came out ... well, really there is just a potential that it's over-cooked (last time it was under - so progress, right?) ... joe wants me to cut it here so i can avoid public humiliation tomorrow. but i say, bring it on. we can't all be little suzie fucking homemakers, can we? i am successful at my job, super fun, hilarious, fabulous (i could go on all day) ... so should i really care that i fucked up another pie? potentially fucked up, but still. it's not like i know for sure that it's good.

i'm making chocolate chip cookies as a back-up. i can so make those.

next year i am signing up for martinis. i speak martini. i think it's time to admit that i do not speak pie.

what is a Ben & Jerry's chunk spelunker?

people who tunnel through their favorite flavors to dig up the chunks.

i totally do this ... do you?

my dog is a piggie

true story.

lola walked into my office this afternoon.
sat on my foot (does it all of the time).
and then farted.
a real fart. audible. not a SBD.

wow.

dive bar

somehow i wound up at a bar in ventura last night that was super divey.

a homeless guy with one eye greeted us at the door.

some of the female patrons didn't have front teeth.

it was a rough crowd, to say the least.

and 3 beers and 3 malibu & diet cokes cost $11.50. how is that possible? ONE martini at maestro's is $17.

i was scared. but did escape with my life.

ps. i think they did lap dances on the patio.

quote

"Magnum: [condom] not just for any weenie."
- the best rep in the whole world

snapple fact #34

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

american express card

took 2.8 years, but i finally memorized my american express card number. i memorized my visa number years ago ... so now i can shop online in no time flat! and yes, i know the codes as well. :-)

happy birthday to ms. hello kitty white!

33 years old today!

creative spelling

you know you're a frequent flier when ...

the bartender at the admiral's club not only recognizes you, but has your breakfast ready by the time you saddle up to the bar. wow.

fuck india

i can assure everyone at dell fucking computers that i absolutely DO NOT want to talk to anyone from india when my fucking computer dies. i have been on this call for 20 minutes and have had to repeat myself 100 times. i so can't wait for the survey re: their service.

AND THEN ...

i found out that the bunnies GLOW IN THE DARK!!!!!!

fabulous anniversary gift!

joe got me a bunnysutra swatch watch for our anniversary. we weren't supposed to exchange gifts, but when i saw heard about this watch, i just had to have it. isn't he sweet?

the watch has been disco'd, but where there is a will there is a way!

there are six pairs of bunnies around the face, each pair is engaging in a different kama sutra position. if you tap the face, the hands spin around and land on a pair of bunnies ... and that's the position you're supposed to try! after a few seconds, the hands go back to the current time position.

it is absolutely fabulous.

winner! sexiest outfit in atlanta!

sometimes a picture is worth more than 1,000 words.

quote

"your body is a temple. you must respect it. you can't just whore it out." - angela martin the office

hail to the chief

joe and i celebrated our anniversary by going to a concert at the new nokia theater in los angeles. it's small ... only 7,000 seats (compared to over 50,000 at staples, for instance.)

we saw the dixie chicks and the eagles.

i've always loved the dixie chicks, but i love them a little bit more now that i've seen them live. "hail to the chief" played while they took the stage. subtle, but powerful. love them!

the eagles rocked ... as usual. i think this was the 3rd time i've seen the eagles and the 7th time i've seen don henley. he is so awesome. which is creepy as he's older than my dad, but there is just something about him ...

happy anniversary to joe and me ... a few days early as i have to be in atlanta for our big day. :-(

note to self

make sure airplane lavatory door is REALLY locked before hovering over toilet. it can be super embarrassing if the door flies open mid-hover.

never underestimate the power of julie

so, it came to me yesterday in a flash of red ... the bastards at work had suspended my right to text when they took over my account ... that's why a COUNTLESS number of texts have not gone through in the past couple of days.

so here's the back story. so, the company i work for has decided that we are all getting new blackberries and they will be our sole device. i'm game. one device does sound lovely. so, they're transferring my current cell number to the new blackberry (which is not yet in my possession) so i don't have to get a new number, let alone a NJ number. would would really suck, but i digress.

so, apparently, the changeover has already taken place behind the scenes ... the company for which i work is already receiving the bill and lumped me into the company plan. which apparently DOES NOT INCLUDE TEXTING.

i cannot live without texting. well, i could, if everyone in my personal AND professional lives had blackberries, treos, etc. but that is not the case. so, i need to text and it the right was STRIPPED from me. and to make it worse. i didn't know it happened until it happened. bastards.

so i did what i had to do. i called at&t and authorized texting to be put back on my account. i am a vp dammit. f the stupid tech people that took it from me ... if you really didn't want me to have it, they should have locked up the account tighter. it only took about 2 minutes for me to get it added. where there is a will, there is a way.

so, i can't wait for some bean counter to call me and yell about the $120/year i just added to their line item. seriously. $10/month. i need to text. i have EARNED the right to do so.

and now i am stepping off of my soapbox to do a little texting. :-)

attention whore

lola stole an 8" ostrich feather duster out of a box in my office and proceeded to chew it up. nice. that was so for a product comparison. if she wanted to play, couldn't she just mash her cold, wet nose into my hand like usual?

ellen and iggy

based on news of death threats and harassment filings with the pasadena police, i think Ellen can just suck it. buy the kids a new dog and next time read the contract, babe. celebrities should not be any different than us mere mortals.

famous nicknames

Within the music industry, Elton [John] is sometimes known as ‘Sharon’, a nickname originally given to him by good friend Rod Stewart. In return, Elton calls Rod ‘Phyllis.’

Love it. This is reflective of my own life. My dad calls me 'Fred' and my friend Kristine calls me 'Ralph' and 'Sir'. :-)

free iggy?

http://www.petitiononline.com/FreeIggy/petition.html

maternity & bereavement

i was pondering this question on my way home from seeing my friend Sweet and her new baby today ... who is damn cute by the way ... why do [most] companies give people 3 days paid leave for bereavement, but nothing for maternity? if one of my friends or family members gives birth, i should be entitled to 3 days of baby visiting. don't you think?

the price is oh so wrong

i never would have known today was the day for drew carey to debut on the price is right if my sister hadn't called this morning and asked me to record it for her ...

i wasn't going to watch. i really wasn't.

i watched 5 minutes. it was so bad that i turned it off.

but i knew it was there ... and i just couldn't help myself. i had to watch the train wreck.

and train wreck it was.

it was horrible. and i watched until the bitter end.

and then ...

we went through the tiffany catalog ... super fun!

an afternoon with aunt julie

i picked sid up from a field trip today ... the brownies went to the courthouse!

then we went shopping.
then we got manicures. this was sid's first manicure!
then we shopped some more.
then we watched the muppet show manamana sketch incessantly on you tube. (another first for sid)

now we're making cookies and listening to "achy breaky heart" because sid didn't believe me that "hannah montana's dad" was famous (or infamous) before the lame ass disney show.

joe is bringing us take away for dinner ... isn't he sweet? we are tired from a full afternoon of fun!

what a day.

is scorsatto synonymous with scorsese? you decide!

found this little gem today. it's from my 33rd birthday.

good advice

it is not a good idea to curl one's hair naked.
the curling iron could slip and burn one's boob.
i have it on good authority that this can be a serious situation.

i've still got it

i'm in chicago this week. staying downtown in a part of chicago that i have really come to love.

we had dinner at gino's east ... even though it's a little on the campy / dirty side, it really is the best pizza in chicago.

so, my colleagues were ready to go before i had finished my delicious whiskey sour. so, i did what any good person would do. i smuggled the drink out of the restaurant and continued to drink it during our five block walk back to the sofitel.

when i got back to the sofitel, the trouble started. the bartender busted me for bringing in an "outside drink." so i ordered a fresh drink and he took my gino's drink away. but before he completely discarded it, i got the attached picture.

i love sales meetings.

gotta go to bed. the car will be here to whisk me to o'hell airport in 7 hours. :-(

google this

hymenoplasty

OUCH!

see you next tuesday

potential open mouth insert foot situation.

for those of you who watched sex and the city, you may remember when charlotte referred to a woman as a "see you next tuesday ... aka C U Next Tuesday."

ever since that episode, i've used that phrase where appropriate ... but obviously NEVER in my professional life.

until today. well sort of. i sent out an email to the sales team with a little song in honor of our meeting in chicago next week. we're going bowling and it's a song about bowling. but i digress. the subject line read "see you next tuesday." it was supposed to be innocent, as we arrive in chicago on tuesday, but i am just hoping no one on the distribution list dips down into the gutter when they read it.

OMG - true story

i ran into petsmart today to pick up some supplies for lola.
the guy in front of me looked like he just rolled out of a trailer; he was kinda dirty, definitely trashy and about 50. my fault for going to oxnard.

anyway, the cashier rang him up and asked him if he had a petsmart rewards card. he advised that he didn't ... to which the cashier inquired as to whether or not he wanted to get one. he declined by saying, "it's okay, MY PARENTS have one." PARENTS??? do they live in the trailer with him? seriously scary.

the colorado curse

i may never drive in the state of colorado again.

i've been here for five days and have had at least 5 run-ins with walls, concrete pylones, small yellow poles, and curbs. i spent 20 minutes at a gas station scrubbing / scraping yellow paint off of the front bumper ... attached is a "before" picture. i think it is because i'm driving a HUGE grand marquis.

only two of the incidents left significant damage ... as is illustrated in the photo. i did get all of the yellow paint off, so i hope that the rental car company doesn't notice.

on a side note, the last time i was here, i was in a minor fender bender.

i think i'm going to have to stick to taxis and drivers when i come back. :-)

i think the marketing person that approved this ad should be fired

all i see here is a guy who is smelling his own crotch area. bad art decision. ball sniffing guy really skeeves me out.

is this gross?

i have super dry heels that sometimes crack.
i find it helpful to use a foot file (like a giant emery board) to rid myself of some of the drama before i apply a liberal amount of lotion.

joe almost barfed when he saw me do it a couple of weeks ago. i think it's okay. is it gross and i just don't know? it's not like i did it in public.

the best dessert ever

i ate dinner at elway's last night in denver. a little business at the best quarterback ever's restaurant.

i had the "do it yourself s'mores." attached is a photo. i also attached a movie. it was the hit of the night.

that's because elway wasn't there. i know. i had a mole. i was positive one of the FOUR bentleys in the parking lot had to be his. but i was wrong.

i still have saturday night. let's keep our fingers crossed. :-)

brushing up on the old espanol

i've had two encounters with my housekeeper today (at the hotel, not the one at home.) She doesn't speak English ... well, she knows a few phrases, but not enough to communicate very well.

she knocked on the door at 8:00 am ish ... my room was void of a do not disturb sign, but i was about to leave so no biggie. i did ask her for a do not disturb sign for future use, but she didn't understand me. so i said, "no moleste" and used my fingers to draw a rectangle in the air. it worked! she handed me a sign and i was on my way.

well, apparently, she thought i didn't want service at all today ... as when i returned at 3:30 pm, my room was not made up. i really don't care, but i had a TON of trash to go ... so i called downstairs and they sent housekeeping up.

the same lady from this am showed up.

i told her, in English, that i didn't need much ... i just wanted the bed made, new towels and the trash emptied.

i got that blank look again.

so, i said, "basura, cama y toallas." and i was in business!

i am so going to work on my spanish. this was fun!

question

why are there bike holders on the front of buses?
if you're riding your bike, then you're riding your bike. where does the bus fit in?
if you're riding the bus, you aren't riding your bike, so you wouldn't need the holders.

i am officially middle-aged

i played bunko for the first time last night. i was an alternate for a group of moms whose kids go to school with sid. i have never been included because the head bunko snob only wants women with kids at mound to participate. super nice. but who did she call when one of the mom's had to stay home with a sick kid? that's right. me. although she did introduce me ALL NIGHT as julie, kristine's friend, no kids at mound. nice.

while it was fun, the game itself could not be more lame. seriously.

diet dr. pepper

why does diet dr. pepper make me burp unlike any other soda?

this is how we do breakfast in ventura ...

Breakfast Burrito
Specialty of the House
"A Delicious Combination of Scrambled Eggs, Green Chilies and Bacon. Rolled in a Flour Tortilla, Topped with Sauce, Cheese, Green Onions and Sour Cream. Served with Pot.

i can't believe i paid $212 for one night in squalor

victorian inn

487 foam street

monterey, california

DO NOT STAY THERE. THERE WERE FOREIGN PUBIC HAIRS IN THE SHOWER, TO SAY THE LEAST.

i come by it honestly

i realized tonight that i learned a lot of my "tricks" from my dad tonight ... he called me from a rascal flatts concert. he had me listen to part of a song over the cell phone ... just like i've done to so many of my closest friends and family. :-)

large marge - the whale

good-bye, buddy! :-( we will miss you!

charlotte ... our resident spiderwoman

isn't she cute?!?

name the movie

i love this license plate frame ...