bite me city girl

as seen on a pick-up truck in scottsdale today. nice.

travel to phoenix

i am only flying one way this week, so i took a car to the airport this morning. i must reiterate that this is the only way to go. one can sleep, work, zone out, whatever ... and some one else is at risk for the speeding tickets! it is truly an ideal situation.

i need to figure out how to fund a full time driver ... stat.

buyer beware

so my cell phone did not in fact go to mexico with joe ... nor is it in his car where i am SURE i left it.

it has materialized.

i cannot live without a cell phone. so i visited the local cell phone store on saturday and got a new bubblegum pink slvr. of course.

i was on a roll. while the guy was getting my phone ready to go ... i looked around at the accessories. i picked out a matching headset and a car charger. figured they would be competitively priced, so i had james ring 'em up.

holy shit. the headset and charger were FAR from competitively priced. james charged me $99 + tax for the headset and $29.99 for the charger. i did a little research when i got home. i repurchased the headset from www.newegg.com for $48.95 WITH SHIPPING ... and the charger for $5 on www.ebay.com.

i figured i could just take the headset and charger back ... but alas, i noticed that the receipt said FINAL SALE. F.

so, i plotted. james actually never brought the final sales clause to my attention, but was that good enough? it was printed on the receipt plain as day. my bad for not reading it.

but i tried anyway. what's the worst that could happen?

he must have liked me. james took them back with NO QUESTIONS. rock on. totally made my day.

morale of the story: focus, julie! pay attention! do a little research before you impulse buy! a $400 impulse phone package is not the same as impulse buying nail polish. it's just not!

why does my time mean nothing to people?

re: broken washer

i made an appointment with sears between the hours of 8 am and noon on saturday in an attempt to have the washer fixed. or at least declared dead and hauled away.

noon rolled around ... no word from sears.

i spent the better part of an hour trying to track our repair guy down ... sears routing had a myriad of excuses why he was late (none were good) ... however, no one fucks with my saturday. apparently, sears did not realize that particular rule of the game.

so the guy FINALLY showed up at 3:24 pm. gone is most of saturday ... with it went two tee times and my blood pressure.

it took mr. sears 15 BLOODY minutes to fix our washer for $160. F.

we'll see what happens tomorrow ... i have placed a hold on the transaction and it will remain that way until someone from sears customer fucking relations calls me and advises as to why they were so late and apologizes to me for ruining my saturday.

BTW, if i hadn't been available between the set hours of 8 am and noon ... sears would have charged me $60. i am entitled to the same and fully intend to get it.

spoiled rotten

drama always ensues when joe is on the road. especially when he's out of the country.

he's in guadalajara.

so, this is when the washing machine decides to die. mid-cycle, no less.

only one choice - haul the wet, soapy clothes to the closest laundromat. FFFFF.

if i never have to go to a public laundromat again, it will be too soon. i know i'm spoiled, but i really thought i was past the laundromat stage of my life.

sears will be here in 36 hours. let's just hope it's fixable ... i'm not in the mood to buy a new washing machine.

BYOB?

we got the most white trash wedding invitation today. it is from our niece (mine by marriage) ... i could go on forever about the invite, but it really boils down to the term "BYOB" being printed on the invitation. words cannot describe how i feel about that.

new housekeeper

i love our new housekeeper. she is fabulous. she even cleaned out our refrigerator! this is love.

however, she must think i'm a complete domestic loser. i had no idea how to show her how to use our new dyson vaccum ... nor could i tell her where all of our cleaning chemicals are located ... and i'm sure she was horrified when she was dusting our magazine pile and came across joe's playboys. lovely.

the icing on the cake, i'm sure, was when i left for my golf lesson. i've really got my priorities straight!

BBQ

i have not, nor ever will be, a good bbqer. it's just not in my nature.

case in point, i managed to "lose" an entire hamburger patty on the grill tonight. it slipped through the slats.

i have never seen that happen!

ps. how do you keep the cheese from getting all over the grilling doodle?

i'm on a mexican radio ... er, phone

i am a dumbass.

my cell phone, complete with it's address book, is either in joe's car at lax, or with him in guadalajara.

what a nightmare. okay, truthfully, i'm enjoying the break.

but still, double F.

incident at the driving range

a big apology goes out to the guy driving the ball picker at the driving range ... i really didn't mean to hit you with my ball this afternoon. my bad.

i guess that's why you drive around in a cage on wheels.

vodka martinis

is it wrong to order a cherry instead of an onion or olive in a vodka martini?

mystery man

this picture was in our mailbox yesterday.

we do not know him, do you?

not newsworthy

the airline check-in process is no longer newsworthy.

it took me less than 15 minutes from curb to "sterile area" this morning at o'hare.

i love it. it hasn't been this easy in years!

celebrities

dear malibu tim,

i searched on www.deadoraliveinfo.com and confirmed that bernie koppel, of the love boat and get smart fame, is indead alive and well. at least as of today. i did not see a ghost yesterday; it was in fact bernie in the flesh. :-) proof of life is in your inbox as i type.

thank you for not contesting the mike ditka sighting.

your friend,
jaws

F.

so just how long was my zipper down today? i was on the show floor for 10.5 hours. F.

i know i'm not a "foodie," but ...

i am not a foodie. i can eat the same thing day in and day out ... there are a million other things that i would do before i chose to drop $100 on myself for dinner ... i love cheeseburgers & fries, however, even i know when to get over myself and enjoy good food.

like tonight for instance. we (3 sales guys, 1 sales girl, 1 marketing guy, and one marketing guy's girlfriend) went to a very lovely restaurant in chicago. it was a swanky place ... the average entree was in the neighborhood of $50 + $10 for a salad + $5 for veggies, etc.

in addition to the myriad of steaks & filets, there was an expansive selection of seafood, poultry (or fowl) and pasta. something for everyone ...there was a cheeseburger on the menu ... for kids, i'm sure, however, you never know. i would NEVER order a cheeseburger in a restaurant such as this ... however, much to my surprise, the girlfriend did.

to top it off, she chose pomme frites for her appetizer!!!! and potatoes au gratin for her side dish! one of the sales guys asked her if she was 12. even i was embarassed for her.

so, if you must know, i had the filet ... which was one of the best i've ever eaten ... and asparagus.

ps. joe - i ordered the filet "medium" so i wouldn't get an ass cut of beef.

sometimes you can't just "say anything"

i love the movie say anything with john cusack. it is definitely in my top ten.

there is a scene in the movie in which the two main characters are taking a super drunk guy home after a party. he's so drunk that he can't remember where he lives. the three of them drive around and around seattle until they happen to drive by the drunk guy's house and he yells, "there it is!" this occurs several hours later, after daybreak. the main characters just about lost their little minds.

i used to think this scene was funny, until tonight, when i lived it.

my boss and i were driving through downtown chicago, on our way back from the show. another sales guy, whom we know peripherally, tagged along.

i know i too will be old someday, but this guy was really crusty and a little disoriented. he knew he was staying at a hampton inn, on chicago ave., but that's it.

we drove along to where he thought it was; he was directing my boss, the driver. when it wasn't where it thought it was, he kinda freaked out ... and so did my boss. we drove around and around downtown chicago (which is a big pain in the ass), until i intervened. let's just say that the obscene amout of time i've spent shopping in downtown chicago paid off. the old man advised that he was kinda sure he was by a nordstrom, and off we went. directly to the hotel, mind you, with no more drama.

it took forever. i really thought i was going to either yell at someone or soil myself. you see, i also had to pee.

holy F.

12,369 steps

F. that is a lot of steps. by far the most i've walked since i started strapping on the pedometer in the morning ... usually i come in around 5,000 ... but this ... this is a reason to LOVE trade shows!

so how come i was only down 0.2 lbs today at ww? not only was it a pain in the ass to find a ww meeting in chicago, but the let down of not losing much this week sucks ass.

i guess i have to be happy that i was down and not up. 25 lbs here i come!

grace, yet again

and this time i tripped almost died on rush street. what is wrong with me?

grace

a big thank you goes out to the man that caught my arm as i tripped on michigan avenue today. without your help, sir, i may have tumbled to my death.

you are a gentleman and a scholar.

LAX

another day, another airport.

it took a mere 25 minutes from curb to "sterile area" at LAX today. i flew united, on which i do not have elite status, so i checked in through the general lines. i was prepared for a long wait, but it was easier than most days in the platinum line.

i hope it stays like this forever.

hello kitty usb pez drive

this is too over the top, even for me.


www.freshlysqueezedflash.com

my clubs are down

note to self:

if i am going to drive like a maniac in the golf cart, make sure the clubs are secure. it's a bit embarassing to have to pick them up after they've flown off of the back of the cart.

thanks to james for taking one for the team.

whore

it is way more fun to shout "whore" rather than "fore" when playing golf.

little miss sunshine

this is the best movie i've seen since napoleon dynamite. a must see flick!

o'hare security - the day after - and how i saved $25

i have an 8:13 am flight out of o'hare this morning.

as a result of yesterday's changes to carry-on policies, i spent some time researching what i can and cannot take on the plane this morning. joe sent me a lot of good information as well.

american airlines advised, per aa.com, that until 9/1/06, ticket change and excess baggage fees would be waived.

my bag was 3.5 lbs over this morning ... no doubt due to what i had to check rather than carry-on. the ticket agent asked me to pony up my $25. when i advised her that american had waived the fee, we had to get every supervisor on the floor involved.

i prevailed.

if you're traveling in the imminent future, take the time to read what the TSA & the airlines are asking of passengers.

it only took me 30 minutes (at 6 am) to check my bag and get through security. no drama at all.

odd girl out

i attended a charity dinner tonight for a major hardware chain. there were about 1,200 people present; most of whom were men.

i thought i was being used to be in the 1%> female population at these events. (it was never this one-sided in the greeting card industry!) however, tonight, i was taken by surprise.

my rep, who is very well connected, spent the evening introducing me to everyone he knows. great networking opportunity!

until i met dan. at least i think his name was dan. i've started to block the incident already ... anyway, jim introduces us, "dan" shakes my hand ... makes small talk with us for a minute ... and then says, "i like you," grabs my left hand, sees my wedding rings, drops my hand and says, "too bad you're married. i don't have much luck with the married ladies."

ew. double ew. vile, in fact. i may not survive hardware.

white castle - addison, illinois

posted on a sign in from of white castle last night:

"try our new chicken rings for $2.99!"

what the hell is a "chicken ring?" did they run out of "w"s and had to improvise? or is white castle truly making do-nut shaped chicken pieces?!?!

if i wasn't banning junk food i would have driven through and found out. but, alas, i just couldn't do it.

i may never know.

the "friendly" skies

when i fly, i often sit in the exit row. i know the drill. the flight attendant comes by, explains the responsibilities of sitting in said exit row, and the passengers need to verbally accept the responsibility. pretty basic.

today, mary sunshine, the flight attendant, came back to rows 20 and 21, and said ...

"as you know, [the airline] has reduced the number of flight attendants on board this type of aircraft from 5 to 3. in the case of an emergency, it's up to the folks in these two rows to open the door and get people out of the plane."

wow. someone is a little bitter. was that really necessary? isn't that your job? trust me, if we're going down, i'm opening the door and getting out of the plane; not staying back to corral people. period.

peanut butter

i have HAD it with the obnoxious dogs that live behind the shack.

their owners leave them outside all day ... it's very sad. and on plain old dirt; they don't even have any nice grass to lie on.

in the past throwing a ball or treats over the wall has helped. today, nothing would quiet them down.

until i remembered a tip from a very wise friend. "throw over some peanut butter," she once said.

so i did. peace and quiet reigns once again.

question.

how come exercise clothes (okay, the cute ones) only go up to a size 12 or 14? don't fat girls a. deserve cute clothes and b. need them more than skinny girls? don't nike, puma, addias, etc. realize that the average dress size in america is a 14?

end result - i'm destined to be a fashion nightmare at the gym until i drop more lbs. that is a travesty.

the office

the office is by far my favorite tv show.

this "movie" is fabulous.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7RpBiV6H4w&search=the%20office%20fire

even

i noticed a HUGE crack in my windshield this morning.
i know it happened yesterday; i remember hearing a piece of debris hit my car. how strange is it that it didn't crack until last night or this morning? but i'm starting to digress.

it's the curse of the camry, my friends.

it's going to cost $465 to replace it. F.

however, i did avoid getting a ticket this morning ... so everything does even out.

the story of the ticket is fabulous.

i was on my way home from a ww meeting. i was driving PAST the police station, but was on the phone. shocking. the top was up, so i was a little less aware of my surroundings.

i noticed Ponch about 1/2 of mile away from the police station. as i noticed him in my mirror, i put down the phone and glanced at the speedometer. F. i was doing 48 in a 35. that is definitely ticket worthy.

i eased up on the gas ... brake lights would have been too obvious. we pulled up to a stop light ... the one right before my house. he was right behind me. it was then that i remembered my smart ass license plate frame that reads, "hello officer. put it on my tab." i thought i was f'd for sure.

for some reason he let me go. that is the 2nd police officer that has been close enough to sterling to read the frame ... and the 2nd that didn't give me a ticket.

so. $465 for a windshield; $0 for a ticket.

life is grand.

camrys are still very dangerous

how many people's lives have to be threatened by camrys to get them off of the road?
how many hours of traffic must we drive in because a camry couldn't get it together?

case in point ... i drove 95 miles one way to an appointment this morning. the first 65 miles were BLISS. that 65 miles took me 1 hour and 15 minutes ... despite the fact that i was on the 405 during rush hour. it was lovely.

then i encountered the sea of red brake lights. i sat in traffic for another 1 hour and 15 minutes to drive a mere 30 miles. it sucked ass.

what was the cause of the delay, you might be wondering? a camry and a tractor that "fell" off of its owner's trailer on an off-ramp got into a fight. i'm totally sure mr. tractor drives a camry when he's not on the farm ... so really, it comes down to camrys. they should be outlawed.

white trash dinner

so just how white trash is it that i bought last nights dinner at a gas station? the gas station down the street from my house, that is. that particular gas station houses the closest subway to us, and it seemed like a quick and healthy dinner.

it's days like that when i remember the first residence i lived in was a mobile home. space 164 across the street from the chino men's prison. i guess you can take the girl out of the trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the girl.

if i only had lola's willpower ...

i gave lola a peanut butter bone before i left for work today.

i was gone for over 10 hours.

she didn't eat the bone until i got home.

that, my friends, is willpower.

star-ass

in doing a little convenience store research for an upcoming call, i grabbed a starbucks light iced coffee. it was in a can like red bull. for just 35 calories, i knew i wasn't going to get something FABULOUS, but i was expecting drinkable.

it was ass. pure ass. i actually pulled a white trash move and dumped it out in the parking lot. but did recycle the can.

ew.

invitations

i don't understand why some people think it's okay not to RSVP to a party to which they've been invited.

the host took the time to send the invitation; the least you could do is respond. it's really not that difficult.

goodbye to the brush up!

i love the oral b brush up. it is a perfect way to freshen up the fangs while traveling. no water needed.

so imagine my consternation when i learned that they have discontinued the brush up. it's over. once the supply's on ebay dries up, there will be no more.

it feels like the end of an era. like when they disco'd the today sponge. i hope i don't have to wait 10 years for the brush up to resurface.

is nothing sacred?

beach shack invention

we re-did our backyard several months back ... we had a lot of flagstone installed.

the initial plan was to install / maintain a fabulous ground plant (i am horrible with flora names) in-between the flagstone. but our gardener sucked at weeding (he was fired) and we're too lazy to do so ... in the end, i had the "flora" removed. we replaced it with pea gravel. of course, it was supposed to be sea glass and gravel, but the sea glass part just hasn't happened. again, lazy.

but i digress. so, even though there's pea gravel ... weeds still come up. bastards. joe's "rounded them up," but they keep coming.

so my husband is outside with a homemade blow torch. he's burning them up. he attached a nozzle to a propane tank. (super safe, i'm sure) he won't know until he reads this that i have some of the backyard action on video.

i wonder if i can post video here. it's priceless.

self-inflicted drama

so we had some last minute guests over a few days ago ... and in a tidying frenzy, i hid the dirty dishes in the oven because the dishwasher was full and clean.

i totally forgot about them until i turned on the oven tonight. until joe and i were asking each other "um. what's the smell? do you smell something funny?"

it wasn't pretty. but the dishes were okay once i rescued them. our kitchen still smells like burnt carrots.

first golf injury

i have my first golf injury.

somehow i jammed the middle finger on my right hand. it's swollen, but no bruise.

it hurts.

take a shower, please!

i walked into my ww meeting this morning and there was a serious dirt stench wafting EVERYWHERE.

turns out it was the dirt farmer in row 2. sir, we don't want to smell you ... please hose off before coming to the meeting next week!

ew.

driving range

i went on my first solo mission to the golf course today (not including lessons). i was the only woman on the range ... it was crowded ... so i choose a spot between a 60+ leftie and a 50 something lawyer-type.

after i warmed up, i let 'em rip. i was feeling pretty good. i had some bad balls, but who doesn't?

that's when leftie (who is golfing towards me) says, "hey, you've got a good move ... but don't scrunch your arms up so much."

i just couldn't bring myself to say, "i know ... my large breasts keep getting in the way."

i think it's weird to advise strangers how to allegedly improve their game.

shame on me for not wearing a sports bra to keep the girls in line.

i'm looking forward to the clean air!

marriott announced today that they are going 100% smoke-free. i can't wait. october 15th cannot come fast enough!

hello cooper

hello kitty kicks ass!

phone call

a woman named marina called me yesterday from the inland valley daily bulletin. apparently, they have a photo of joe and me that i submitted for our engagement announcement that they would like to return.

i called once. no answer; no machine. won't call back ... it's only been 4 years since we got engaged. i guess someone did a little summer cleaning ...

beanie babies have gone to the dogs!

what will they think of next?

business cards

nothing says "hi, i'm unorganized and a bit of a slob" than an rumpled up and / or dirty business card.

business cards remain with the recipient long after one has left. they should leave a good impression.

do yourself a favor and buy a little case for them, mr. rumpled, filthy business card guy.

i bet he doesn't turn his expense reports on time.

*disclaimer - this post refers only to professional organization and cleanliness issues.

f. too hot in the hot tub.

i just returned from 30.5 hours in the inland empire.

hot does not begin to describe the weather conditions in which i was forced to exist.

case in point. i started the trek home tonight at 8:10 pm ... it was 87 degrees ... just a mere 74 minutes later ... i was back in paradise ... 66 degrees. it doesn't get any better than that.

i wonder if i sweated any lbs off during my ordeal.

almost arrested at target!

i was stopped, by a rent-a-cop, today on my way out of target. one of the packages of pens i had (don't worry, they weren't for me!) had slipped down along the side of the cart and were caught. i didn't see them when i loaded my items onto the conveyor belt; thus i did not pay for them.

as i told the rent-a-cop that it was a mistake, he seized the pens. my sister, who was along for the adventure, advised that we still wanted them and i was ESCORTED to guest services to pony up my $1.08.

how f'ing embarassing!

hummers

tonight, sitting on my mom's patio, we were watching the hummingbirds. well, i wasn't, but my mom and grandma were marveling at them.

my eloquent brother-in-law suddenly exclaimed, "i love hummers!" my sister and i about wet our pants laughing ... it was fabulous.

the big question is, did grandma pick up on the joke?

my memory and retail relationships finally paid off!

i made a return today at a store at which i am a regular. i inadvertantly left my credit card at home, which the manager needed to process the credit.

i advised said manager that i know my credit card number by heart, and if she wouldn't mind entering the number manually, it would save me a trip back to the store.

she obliged, laughing the entire time at what a freak i am to know my credit card number.

big cars

in the illustrious words of my good friend, Malibu Tim ... "if you can't DRIVE the big car, don't BUY the big car."

this is true everyday. little sterling and i almost got killed by a woman in an excursion today.

GOLF doesn't stand for "gentlemen only, ladies forbidden"

One of my reps told me that the word GOLF means "gentlemen only, ladies forbidden."
He's from Texas; I should have known he was telling tales. Below is the proof.

Golf History FAQ: Where Did the Word "Golf" Come From?
From Brent Kelley,Your Guide to Golf.

Does it Stand for "Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden"? Did the word "golf" originate as an acronym for "gentlemen only, ladies forbidden"? That's a common old wives' tale. Or, in this case, more likely an old husband's tale.

No, "golf" is not an acronym for "gentlemen only, ladies forbidden." If you've ever heard that, forget it immediately. Better yet, find the person who told you and let them know it's not true.

Like most modern words, the word "golf" derives from older languages and dialects. In this case, the languages in question are medieval Dutch and old Scots.

The medieval Dutch word "kolf" or "kolve" meant "club." It is believed that word passed to the Scots, whose old Scots dialect transformed the word into "golve," "gowl" or "gouf."

By the 16th Century, the word "golf" had emerged.

Sources: British Golf Museum, USGA Library

i wonder if this constitutes sexual harassment?

bad week for the staff

why me? i have had to fire two staff members this week. while i like to fire people in theory, it's really not my favorite thing to do.

i need a new housekeeper and hair stylist stat.

the golf tournament

woohoo! i survived my first golf tournament. more importantly, the three men with whom i golfed survived. i know it was tough for them to golf with me all day ... they're all good golfers.

here are the highlights:

• 18 holes in 5 1/2 hours
• we actually used one of my drives as the team ball
• i made a birdie putt on the 6th hole
• we shared the course with wild turkey (the real ones, not the whiskey), deer, ducks and cows
• i almost killed a duck
• we drank lots of beer (collectively, i only had 2)
• we came in 9 under par with no bogeys! (and only used 8 mulligans)

it was a blast. i can't wait to golf again!

cocktail hour

so last night, at the pre-golf cocktail hour, the bartender gave me a funny look when i ordered a vodka tonic. he kept looking at me and then said, "hey, do i know you from somewhere? you look familiar." I replied, "i don't think so ... i have a pretty good memory for faces." to which he replied, "oh i remember, didn't we date when i liked girls?" at that point i knew he was f'ing with me and fired back, "wow. i think you're right. now i remember!" to which he replied, "well, don't worry, it wasn't you, it was me." at that point, my boss and i were cracking up and decided that we heart dave the bartender.

you're lucky that you don't work for me

my boss and i arrived famished in san francisco.
we headed to the hotel and got a bite to eat at the hotel restaurant. it was about 1 pm and the restaurant was empty. that should have been our first clue.

a server approached our table and inquired, "how are you today?" we stated that we're fine ... and asked him the same. he replied, "well, i'm wondering if this day will ever end. i've been here since 6 am and i'm counting the minutes until i go home. can i get you something to drink?"

the service was bad (duh) ... bad enough to f with the server. for example, if i had been with someone other than my boss i could have pulled my district manager bit. this is when i advise sparky that i am the new marriott dm and i am doing a hotel / restaurant check. based on his service / demeanor / eagerness to leave ... i would be signing him up for a permanent vacation.

CAR RENTAL TIP

if you're going to rent a car at an airport ... do yourself a TREMENDOUS favor and sign up for the rental car company's preferred member program. At Avis it's called "Preferred" ... at Hertz it's called "Gold Member" ... I think it's "Fastlane" at Dollar ... etc. The programs are typically free of charge to join; they simply require a credit card number to hold your reservation. (It's not like a hotel; they don't charge you if you don't cancel a reservation. And you can pay with cash or debit card when you turn the rental car in.)

I flew to San Francisco today; the lines in the rental car building were HUGE. People were waiting upwards of one hour to get the keys to their cars.

However, the "preferred" members got to bypass the line and go straight to their cars. The contracts are electronically printed up and placed in the cars. When one exits the lot, all that has to be shown is the contract and the driver's license. It's that easy! It can be a major time saver; especially when flying in and out of large airports.

so how bad do i feel?

i headed straight to the ladies when i landed in san francisco today. there was no line.

so i took my time. answered a couple of emails via the blackberry ... took a picture of a sign in the stall (photo documentation will be posted when i'm back home) ... "brush up'd" my teeth ... did a little lip gloss ... didn't rush at all.

so imagine how badly i felt when i finally exited the stall to see a line of women about 12 people deep. i didn't think i was in there that long.

wow. i suck.

paging mr. baldwin

well, this just keeps getting better.
not only is there a double secret lounge, but now they're paging Mr. Baldwin.

could it be Alec? Or Billy? Or Daniel? Or the other one? i must get in there so i can finally break into fame.

or maybe i'll just publish my blog ... however, that would make me infamous, not famous.

double secret first class lounge????

need to know what's going on.
the admiral's club has a double secret first class lounge. imagine the celebs in there!
i have no idea how to gain access; i'm a member ... i fly first class pretty frequently ... both by upgrading and by paying for the ticket ... so what am i doing wrong?

must find out.

on a side note ... had to put my golf clubs in the front seat of my car, with the top down in order to get my suitcase and clubs to the airport. oh if only i had a driver with a shiny black Lincoln Towncar.

photo documentation to follow.

ironing

i dragged out the iron last night after i realized that it costs about $18/week to keep me in clean, pressed shorts. (that's like $14.25 more than Netflix!)

i am not one to obsess about the price of anything, however, $72/month is a little out of control ... especially when i don't even wear the shorts to work!

i loathe ironing. it sucks. ass. but i realized last night that perhaps i don't like to do it because i don't have cool tools.

so, next stop ... some place where they sell cool irons / boards / covers. do you think joe would notice if the iron was pink?

why didn't i think of this earlier?

i love being the only girls on the sales team at my current job.
i love being successful in a boy dominated industry. especially now that i have the hardware chains.
i love football.
i like hanging out with the boys.

so why in the hell did it take me so long to pick up golf? joe and i went to hit balls this morning and i was the only girl for as far as the eye could see. I LOVE IT!

golf

i love playing golf.

okay ... except for the fact that i'm allergic to everything on the course ... but the rest is fabulous!

my husband has tried for years to get me to play. i think it's really the adorable shoes that put it all together for me. :-) that and the fact that i HAVE to play for work functions.

but in the end it's a good time. i'd take 18 holes and an inhaler to a day full of meetings ANYDAY!

narcissist!

it really pisses me off to see people watering down their sidewalks and driveways. don't you realize that water is a very precious resource, mr. neighbor? are you really too lazy to break out a push broom and dustpan to clean up your area? i wish ventura would adopt miami's water laws where you can actually get fined for watering your lawn on the wrong day!

summer travel

summer is here and the clueless are flying.

it's one thing to hold up a security line because you're juggling items; trying to take off your shoes while digging out the video camera, etc., but it is QUITE ANOTHER to stand there asking your traveling partner, "it says passengers should take off their shoes, should i take off mine? they're sandals ... are they really shoes?" and then to the tsa agent, "i see that i should remove my laptop and video camera from my bags and put in a separate tray, does that mean disposable cameras? how about the digital camera? what about my hair dryer?" i shit you not.

THE SIGNS ARE THERE TO GIVE YOU INFORMATION.
THERE ARE NO IMPLIED OR DOUBLE SECRET DIRECTIONS EMBEDDED IN THE SIGN VERBAGE.

SHOES MEAN WHAT'S ON YOUR FEET DEFINING THEM AS "NOT BAREFOOT" AND A VIDEO CAMERA TAKES MOVIES; NOT STILLS.

I HATE SUMMER TRAVEL.

one more reason to hate texas

i had to pay a "pass through" fee for the supreme privilege of driving from the north end of DFW to the south end to return my rental car.

shouldn't texas be paying me for having to be within it's stinky state borders for 2 days?

who knew?

i've been using and loving grenadine for years. (thanks, grandma). i always thought it was sweetened cherry juice ... probably because we would put maraschino cherries in soda with grenadine ...

well, that bubble was burst today when i found out that there are no cherry parts in grenadine. it's typically pomegranate juice and honey. i also learned that "rose's" is owned by cadbury ... who know owns jenny craig.

the world is disturbing and small.

weird

while driving through east texas today, i saw a farm alongside of i-20 that had several camels and one zebra.

rednecks i expect. exotic animals i do not.

ps. texas sucks ass.

look out world!

my first golf lesson is saturday. look out tiger!

it's been a whole year!

Lola has lived with us for a year ... and somehow we've managed to find her everytime she ran away! The good news is that the running away has dissipated and she now views the Beach Shack as her home.

Lola celebrated her year of living at the Beach Shack with a day at the doggie spa. Isn't she lovely? Her new nickname is Red.

well spent friday afternoon

smuggling alcohol into a matinee on a friday afternoon can be very therapeutic. for two hours, i forgot my stressful job and my only worry was not getting caught making rum and cokes in row 6 of the movie theater. smart move putting the apple martinis in a snapple bottle.

i think i need to let go more ... relax a little ... relive a little of my youth. the gay bar was a nice touch ... if they took credit cards we'd still be there.

jsw

still in its infancy ...

Announcing my new photo blog!

http://tiara73.blogspot.com

Please be patient ... i have A LOT of work to do to get it up to speed ...

Cheers!

note to self

get to work on new photo blog. need somewhere to display the pictures i take "in the field." continue to impact the world with my very existence. the world needs more jaws.

video camera

this guy has been sitting outside of my house, in a silver low-rent coupe, for the better part of an hour. he's a little creepy. he's been reading, eating and drinking. i know this because my husband didn't skimp on the video camera he bought for my birthday. it has a really good zoom. of course, some of his stay in front of the beach shack has been documented.

he finally left and i'm on the phone to the police advising that he's left and there's no need to investigate.

it's wake up time

scripps alumna office has been calling me, on a semi-regular basis, for YEARS.
i haven't taken one of their calls in a very long time. and i think the last time i spoke to them i advised them to put me on their deceased list.
when they call "do not answer ever" flashes on my phone's screen.

when will they wake up and realize i will never take their calls?

oxymoron

does anyone else find it strange that nestle sa is buying jenny craig for $600M?
it's about as bizarre as when the parent company of slim fast bought ben & jerry's.

unless they view it as job security ...

paris, london or rome?

as i work in my home office ... have a blackberry and a laptop ... would anyone miss me if i went to europe for a few days?

over the top?

is putting in an in-ground dog poop disposal system in the backyard over the top?
www.doggiedooley.com

unbefuckinglievable

from an email i received today from one of my reps. the content was not edited. he lives in the red state of texas.

"they will just give them time to "Git 'er Done" as Larry the Cable guy says.

Doug"

i did not respond.

you might want to start a therapy fund for your child ...

this photo was taken at a kindergarten graduation today.

they're six; they notice these things. you probably don't want your kid thinking his / her mom is a hooker.

and no one wants to see your butt crack in the middle of "the itsy bitsy spider." no one.

drop everything, we're going to wal*mart

i'm pretty sure my new allergy medicine is going to my head.

my sister called tonight to advise that wal*mart has hello kitty sandwich baggies.

rather than remember why i hate wal*mart, joe and i hopped in the car and started on our quest.

oh my. it was packed ... but we pushed on.

when we couldn't find the baggies, i even asked three wal*mart employees if they knew where to find them.

despite our efforts, the trip was a bust. no baggies were secured.

good luck to my sister and her friend kim who are up next.

teddy grahams

is it really a bad thing that i throw teddy grahams (or small dog treats) over the wall to quiet my neighbor's dogs? i think it's smart. they get treats and i get silence.

joe thinks i've stepped over the line.

i just want a little peace and quiet and the teddy grahams do taste like ass.

nostaglia snuffed

remember jell-o pudding pops? they were popular in the 80s. remember bill cosby's commericials for them? pudding pops were one of my favorite desserts in the cafeteria when i was in elementary school.

so, imagine my excitement when i learned they were back. i rushed right out and got a box. since joe and i are on a 100% popsicles for dessert plan, i knew right where to find them.

all was well until i opened them. f popsicle. they changed the shape of the pop to match the rest of their dumb popsicles. sounds like they were too cheap to bring back the old mold. may sound crazy, but they just don't taste the same anymore. thank goodness lola likes the vanilla ones.

what's next? changing the smell of play doh?

gift wrap room

i have two sets of gifts to wrap today.

one for a birthday, one for a graduation.

i am dreading dragging out the gift wrap box, the ribbon box, and the extra box box, only to have to drag them back after i'm finished.

i need a gift wrap room. all wrapping, all the time.

gasoline

catchy

saw this on a magnet today ...

"no one died when clinton lied."

love it.

also love "after we rebuild iraq, can we rebuild our schools?" makes me wonder when people will stop voting republican.

new white chocolate m&m's

be warned the new m&m "pearls" taste like ass.

laundry

i had to do a load of laundry when i got to boston tonight. it was that hot in memphis. i couldn't handle the dirty clothes in my suitcase.

so ... the hotel is nice enough to provide two washing machines and dryers ... and complimentary soap & bounce. but it's $1.50 / load or dry.

i forgot how much it sucks to use public machines to do laundry. i can't stop thinking about what was in them before i got there ... not to mention how exposed i feel with my laundry washing and drying in public.

yuck.

major suitcase drama

the suitcase weighs 59 lbs. my guess that on the outbound flight it was closer to 65.
i was charged today for the "overweight" bag ... and it was tagged "heavy."

despite my compliance with their posted baggage weight rules, they broke the handle on my favorite suitcase. bastards.

i'm saving the "heavy" tag. i think it could have many uses.

maybe i shouldn't have packed the free weights ...

how to know if your suitcase is too heavy ...

if the suitcase holder in the hotel room crashes to its untimely demise under the weight of your suitcase, there is too much stuff in the suitcase. it's as simple as that.

i hope the peabody memphis is understanding of the situation.

photo documentation of the damage is now included in this post.

diamond in the rough

how is it possible that the best margaritas i've had since senior year in college were served in the admiral's club at gate c19 in dallas? this guy is wasting his talent.

i must figure out his recipe ... it's all about the ratios ... triple sec, sweetened lime juice, sweet & sour mixer and tequila.

i've sucked down two and am praying for a non-turbulent flight. here's to no puking in first class. ... this could get ugly. i don't think i've eaten anything today ...

airplane bathrooms

do airplane bathrooms remind anyone else of an outhouse with running water? i've flown more times than i care to count and that hit me like a ton of bricks when i was using one today.

sweet - how on earth did you change mimi's diaper in that closet?!?

flying is anything less than glamorous.

airport security

note to self: take off big silver necklace and HUGE metal watch when going through the metal detector. if this is forgotten, prepare to be fondled by a female tsa agent ... and she's not gonna buy me dinner first.

camry danger

i remember fondly the days when just camrys were the cause of freeway strife. i now long for those days. while the camrys are still out there in full force, one must now look out for the corolla (camry-in-training), as well as the avalon and lexus sedan (camry for rich folks). the addition of these models to the danger, danger list makes driving more frustrating and puts more of us regular drivers at risk.

on a side note, the camry phenonmenon is not limited to southern california. i have witnessed it in the 46 american states in which i've driven.

don't be part of the problem ... just say no to camrys, corollas, avalons, and lexus sedans.

just because your diamond is bigger than mine ...

just because you have a 10 carat diamond ring and a size 00 ass doesn't mean you can pony up your meager $20 to the skycap to cut in line.

thank goodness that i chose to be the spokesperson for the line of patrons patiently waiting. i too have a first class ticket ... please step to the back of the line.

sharpie saga

shocking as it may be, there was only one slim turquoise sharpie in that entire heap of sharpies ... and it's about to die. so, i had to buy two replacements today. it's one of my favorite colors.

to make up for the increase, i am donating a portion of the original sharpies to my mom's classroom. :-)

i think i'm on the road to recovery. i didn't buy one office supply-type item last night at barnes and noble ... it was really hard, but i resisted.

automatic flushing toilets

i'm sure some psycho germaphobe invented the automatic flushing toilet. sure, it seemed like a great idea ... you use the toilet and when you stand up, it flushes for you. keeping people's paws and hooves free from germs.

flushing when, and only when, one stands up seems to be an issue. today, at the sacramento airport, a toilet flushed a record 7 times while i sat there. i wasn't even down for the count for very long. nice. how much water was wasted during my toilet use? how about the paper i wasted drying off of my ass?

so really, are these toilets worth the waste and wet asses? is it really that cumbersome to hike your foot up there to flush the toilet (how germy do you think your shoes are?) or if you can't do that ... use your paw ... it's gonna get washed anyway.